Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Here's how it happened. I had an appointment at my dermatologist at 402 7th Avenue. But I went to 204 7th Avenue by mistake. It's like numbers are so crazy, am I right?
Hitchcock and Scully: Amen.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not really.

Amy: I think we all agree that C.J. is, to put it mildly, not very impressive.
Sergeant Jeffords: I watched him try to close the blinds in his office for 40 minutes. He finally just gave up and changed his pants with the windows wide open.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Santiago, come with me a sec.
Amy: Why? So you can show off some new cool thing that C.J. got you? Let me guess, golden suspenders?
Sergeant Jeffords: Can you imagine? I would look amazing.

Captain Holt: Now let's pick teams.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've got a ton of work. You can just leave me out this year.
Jake: Interesting. Interesting.
Amy: Oh, Terry, Terry, Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Captain Holt: How naive do you think we are? You're "not participating" so you can sneak under our noses and steal a victory, like Santiago did last year.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm going to my desk. Heists are dumb.

Rosa: Look who I found hiding in the interrogation room: this guilty son of a bitch.
Sergeant Jeffords: Still your sergeant.

Adrian Pimento: When I was in that Uzbek prison, choking on my own blood because my face was being beaten in, I realized, life is funny!
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what you realized?

Sergeant Jeffords: [impersonating Holt eating a marshmallow] What is this glutinous monstrosity before me?

Sergeant Jeffords: When I was a little kid, I spent hours reading those books.
[cut to Terry as a kid]
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa. Little Terry did not see that coming.

Sergeant Jeffords: I was overweight and lonely, and I wrote DC Parlov for advice, and he sent me this!
Rosa: I hope it's not a severed head.
Sergeant Jeffords: "The Skyfire Cycle: Sand Into Glass: The Reckoning of Ka'Lar." Man, that is a long book. Is the rest of it just more of the title?

Sergeant Jeffords: And listen to the inscription he wrote. "Terry, you do have friends."
Jake: Oh, boy.
Sergeant Jeffords: "You have me. Never forget that in this life, we write our own stories. Parlov." And that's what happened. Little Terry wrote his own story.
Jake: Yeah, Little Terry got buff-a!
Sergeant Jeffords: Little Terry got emotionally healthy.
Jake: Yeah, and ja-a-acked.
Sergeant Jeffords: You know what? He did get jacked. Way to go, Little Terry. Big pecs coming through!

Jake: Parlov is in town for a reading of his new book, "The Skyfire Cycle: A Bridge to Jarcata.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ah, ah. It's actually pronounced "Jarca-a." All the Ts in "Skyfire" are silent.
Jake: This book sounds impossible to read.
Sergeant Jeffords: [laughs] I know, right?

Sergeant Jeffords: There is no way Parlov sent himself that death threat. Look, we are gonna go to his hotel, we're gonna talk to him, and he'll have an explanation.
Jake: Whatever you need.
Sergeant Jeffords: Screw you, Peralta! I'm sorry, I thought you were gonna disagree. Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me.

Jake: Hey, good news. I found the address of Parlov's old assistant. I'm gonna go over there and question him. You want to come? Maybe he won't open the door and you'll have to kick it down. That always cheers you up.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't feel like kicking down doors.
Jake: What about running really fast through a wall, leaving a perfect outline of your body?
Sergeant Jeffords: Like a cartoon?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. I'm just gonna sit here and think about how the words I lived by my entire life are a big fat lie.

Amy: Sorry, look, don't give up on the green initiative. You're a great sergeant. You'll get everyone on board.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not Gina.
Amy: Yes, Gina. You can handle her. You can do this. Sarge, it's test time.
Sergeant Jeffords: Diaper up.

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, I won!
Amy: You did it, Sarge. You're gonna get our power usage down.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't care about that crap. I took down Gina Linetti. I did the impossible. Terry is back on top. Diaper up!