Hitchcock: We cooked that lasagna for nothing. Nothing!
Jake: Okay. But have you ever considered eating lasagna with no garlic bread?
Hitchcock: We've- Never done that before.
Scully: I guess maybe we could give it a try. What do you think, Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: What the hell. I had a feeling something crazy was gonna happen today.
Jake: There you go.
Scully: It's almost ready.
Jake: [microwave dings] Mama Magglione.

Jake: How is she running so fast in those shoes?
Rosa: She's too drunk to feel any pain.
Jake: Open up.
Jenna Pazhley: No.
Rosa: You are trapped in a very small room, and we can see you. What's your plan here?
Jenna Pazhley: Shut up, I'm trying to think. If you come in here, I'll bite you with this weird mouth thing.
Rosa: That is a staple remover, and it's shocking you don't know that.
Jenna Pazhley: Sorry, I'm not a secretary.

Rosa: Whoa, what happened? You know what, forget it. I'll just read Amy's notes.

Captain Holt: Peralta, Santiago, you'll be happy to know that I did not erase the server.
Jake: Oh, thank God.
Captain Holt: But sad to know that Knox caught on and is now holding me at gunpoint.
Jake: Why not lead with that?

Jake: "How certain are you? Sincerely, Raymond Holt." "100 percent, sincerely-" Why am I doing that part? Send. Okay, it said delivered.

Sergeant Knox: What's going on? We're running out of time here.
Captain Holt: Uh, sorry, it's uh from my husband, Kevin.
Sergeant Knox: Well, all due respect, but you don't have time for that. You've got 15 seconds before the hacker is inside the server.
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, uh it's just that Kevin just texted me some hot goss about our favorite reality TV star.
Sergeant Knox: 10 seconds. Your agents' lives are at stake. Eight, seven-
Captain Holt: Oh, I understand. I just have to find out about the hot goss.

Jake: Hey, there, Captain. Everything okay?
Captain Holt: No, I'm having a meltdown.
Rosa: Props. That was amazing.
Jake: Thanks. It was a lot of work.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, maybe it's time to face reality. We have to erase the servers.
Sergeant Knox: I'll initiate the sequence for you. It just needs your passcode.
Captain Holt: Perhaps you're right. How depressing. I never would've thought that typing an intricate sequence of numbers from memory would bring such sadness.

Captain Holt: Wiping the servers is not an option. The only solution is to track down the hacker.
Rosa: How? It could be anywhere in the world Osaka, Berlin, Macau, Stockholm... Are you guys just gonna keep letting me list cities I've lived in?

Jake: So you guys are gonna tie up the only microwave for 20 minutes to make a frozen lasagna? Ballsy.
Hitchcock: You ignorant loser. First of all, it's not just a frozen lasagna, it's a Mama Magglione's.
Scully: Second of all, it's gonna take 21 1/2 minutes. The box says 20, but we know better than the box.
Hitchcock: You see, this microwave is a KitchenPro Max.
Scully: Bit of a lightweight.
Hitchcock: It's only 1.2 kilowatts.
Scully: Fine for popcorn.
Hitchcock: But we're talking about a Mama Magglione's here.
Scully: Takes a lot to get mama hot.
Hitchcock: She's a real size-queen.
Jake: Well, that started out fun, and here we are at our normal ending place: disgusting.

Jocelyn: You don't even apologize blow me off. You just text "Double homicide TTYL".
Rosa: Sometimes I add those little heart emojis. You know how uncomfortable that is for me.

Rosa: I don't have time for this. My girlfriend leaves in three minutes. You are ruining my life.
Jenna Pazhley: You're ruining my life. I missed my Drybar appointment without calling to cancel first. They keep record of those things.
Jake: Oh, my God, neither of your lives are being ruined. I told you I'm not on board with your psycho plan to destroy your girlfriend.
Rosa: I'm not gonna destroy her. I actually want her back. I really love her, Jake.
Jake: What? Rosa, then why'd you say all that stuff about winning the breakup?
Rosa: Because it's weak and humiliating to love someone. I lied to make myself feel strong and normal.
Jake: Right, that's definitely what came across, how normal you were being.

Jocelyn: Rosa, this is dumb. I'm just gonna go.
Rosa: No, no, no. You promised me more time. I still have seven minutes.
Jocelyn: I really don't want to miss my flight, and I cannot physically stand the way that room smells anymore.
Rosa: Just breathe through your mouth.

Jake: Hey, you made it.
Amy: Yeah.
Jake: We finally got all the Lambda Nus back into holding.
Amy: Who are the Lambda Nus? Doesn't matter. I'll read your notes later.
Jake: I didn't take any notes.
Amy: What the hell, Jake? Do you even love me?
Jake: Says the woman who never once sent me flowers. Never mind.

Jenna Pazhley: Don't let her go. You guys, I used to have this boyfriend, Jason, then we broke up 'cause I got drunk at Spring Fling and passed out in a bush, and he took too long to find me, and now he's gone and it's like, there's no one to find me when I pass out in a bush.
Jake: I'm not sure that totally applies here.
Rosa: No, she's right. I can't let Jocelyn go. Can you handle this without me?
Jake: Yeah, it's under control. Go get Jocelyn back. Jocelyn Pryce.

Jake: Rosa! We gotta go up to Holt's.
Rosa: Is this not done yet? Ugh. Jocelyn leaves in eight minutes, and I don't want things to end like this.
Jake: Wow. Way to be vulnerable. I thought for sure you'd write her off the second she said she wanted to break up.
Rosa: Yeah, I did. She's dead to me.
Jake: Wait? Then why are you so anxious to get back up and talk to her?
Rosa: Because I have a plan. I'm gonna beg her to stay, change whatever it is I need to change, then once our relationship is stronger than ever, I'm gonna dump her ass so quick. It's gonna be brutal.

Captain Holt: Wait, the LACMI server isn't wired to the Internet. It's supposed to be offline. How are they accessing it?
Sergeant Knox: They must be going through a physical AP.
Jake: Again, these guys don't get computers like you and I, so-
Sergeant Knox: It's not a remote connection. The hacker's inside the building.

Captain Holt: What is that?
Sergeant Knox: We just got an NOS ping from the first floor. The hacker is in room 103.
Jake: [gasps] Mama Magglione.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, come on. Get down from there.
Heather Monitz-Glausch: Do you know who my father is? He's in business. That's where you actually make money at your job.
Sergeant Jeffords: I make money. I make good money.
Heather Monitz-Glausch: That can't be true. Otherwise, you wouldn't still have that chin.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? Nobody ever said anything about my chin? Boyle, is something wrong with Terry's chin?
Charles: I don't want to get involved.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God. It's true.

Sergeant Knox: The NYPD servers have internal backup batteries. Even if we unplug them, they'll stay on for another two hours.
Captain Holt: As a captain, I have an override code I can use to wipe the servers clean so there'd be no information for the hackers to steal, but there's one problem, Jake.
Jake: Yes, sir?
Captain Holt: You still have something in your teeth. You tried to get rid of it, but it's made it much more prominent.
Jake: Why would you stop everything just to tell me that?
Captain Holt: It's very distracting.

Sergeant Knox: Damn it, I tried to remove the server from the chain, but the hacker blocked the protocol.
Jake: Why don't you just unplug it? That's what I do any time I'm having computer trouble. And also I code a lot. Java, mainframe. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Jake: A countdown clock, green text on a black background: we are in full-on action-movie mode. Now all I need is my no-nonsense captain to tell me to focus, because time is running out.
Captain Holt: Peralta.
Jake: Yes?
Captain Holt: You have something in your teeth. It's, uh, quite off-putting.
Jake: What? No. "Time is running out." I fed you your line. No one ever has something in their teeth in a movie. Watch a movie, stupid Holt.

Scully: Time check.
Hitchcock: Five minutes, ten seconds.
Scully: It's over.
Hitchcock: Don't say that.
Scully: We'll never get the garlic bread toasted in time.
Hitchcock: We can, and we will.
Scully: How?
Hitchcock: We'll set the oven to 500.
Scully: Are you insane? It'll burn.
Hitchcock: We'll wrap it in foil.
Scully: The foil will stick to the cheese.
Hitchcock: That's a risk we'll have to take.

Captain Holt: The LACMI server holds clearance-protected information, including the names of our undercover agents. If it's compromised, people could lose their lives.
Jake: Okay, but isn't the server secure?
Sergeant Knox: Yes, but the hacker's already used an ARP to resolve the host name with the DNS server.
Jake: Uh-huh. ARP. DNS. Totally following what you're saying.
Sergeant Knox: Right now, they're trying to get root access by connecting the OSI network to the data-link.
Jake: You know, I'm a bit of a computer nerd myself, but could you, maybe dumb it down a bit for my friends here?
Sergeant Knox: They're almost through our defenses. If we can't stop them, they'll be inside of our server in 19 minutes.
Jake: Mama Magglione.

Jake: We still haven't found the hacker, but the cyber guy is getting close.
Amy: Okay, let's check in with Holt.
Jenna Pazhley: Hold on to him, girl. He seems pretty sweet, and you guys are like both sevens.
Jake: Oh, come on.

Captain Holt: This is Sergeant Knox. From Cyber Operations. He's discovered the reason for our network issues. A hacker is attempting to break into our servers.
Sergeant Knox: Not all of them. Just the LACMI server.
Rosa: Well, that's good.
Jake: No, Captain Holt's nostril just twitched. It's bad.
Captain Holt: It's devastating.
Rosa: Props again.
Jake: Thanks, again.

Jake: We have 14 minutes to find a hacker. You're not gonna get back in time.
Amy: But everybody else is there, right? I mean, it seems weird to have this big thing happen without me.
Jake: We talked about this, Amy. You have an unhealthy fear of missing out on work. You have FOMOW.
Amy: This isn't FOMOW. It's not like I'm freaking out or anything. Out of my way, you old bitch! This cab is mine. I'll be there in 10 minutes. I love you. Don't solve it without me.

Scully: What are we gonna do? It's still frozen in the middle!
Hitchcock: Well, then turn up the temp.
Scully: It's already at 500. It's maxed out.
Hitchcock: Then set the mother[bleep] to broil.

Jake: It's empty.
Amy: And there's nothing plugged in to the Internet port.
Jake: But Knox said he got a NOS ping. I mean, NOSes don't just ping themselves, guys.
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, stop. You're not fooling anybody. You don't know anything about computers.

Rosa: Why is it taking Holt and this I.T. guy so long to fix the Internet? One Police Plaza sent him an hour ago.
Jake: Huh. Why does Holt look so worried?
Rosa: What are you talking about? He looks exactly like he always does.
Jake: To you, perhaps, but I finally learned how to read his emotions. His lips are slightly pursed, and he's blinking at eight-second intervals as opposed to his normal 10. [gasps] Oh, my God. He's having a meltdown.
Rosa: "Meltdown" seems excessive.
Jake: Yeah, it's a meltdown. Mark my words.

Sergeant Knox: Nobody has to get hurt. Just put your guns down, and put your hands in the air. [to Hitchcock & Scully] Hey! I said put your guns down, and get your hands in the air.
Scully: The bread, it's gonna burn.
Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, do what he says. I'll buy you all the garlic bread you want.
Hitchcock: We're gonna hold you to that, Sarge.

Jake: Knox, you're pointing a gun at an NYPD captain. Have you really thought this through?
Sergeant Knox: This is not my fault. You were supposed to be at the dentist.
Amy: What? How did you- You called me. He called me. He said he had a tip for the officer in charge of the Avery murder. I said I could meet any time except for this morning because of the dentist.
Sergeant Knox: I had it all planned out.
Amy: Guess you didn't count on my FOMOW. Yeah, that's right. It's crippling.
Jake: Oh, picking a weird time, but I'm glad you're finally owning it.

Captain Holt: Jeffords, get him into holding.
Sergeant Jeffords: With pleasure. You're about to have a really bad day. Give me that. Look at his pants, ladies. They're relaxed fit. Uh-oh. Is that a braided belt?

Jake: Why aren't you guys on your way to the airport?
Jocelyn: Oh, I'm gonna miss my flight, but it's worth it. It means a lot that Rosa bailed on all this just for me.
Jake: Aww.
Captain Holt: You did what, Diaz?
Jake: Now, sir, I told her it was okay. If you're gonna be mad at anyone, be mad at me.
Captain Holt: Okay, I am mad at you.
Jake: What? No. I didn't think you were really gonna be mad. That's that backfired. Be mad at Rosa.

Scully: Look at this bread. It's completely inedible. There's not even any soft parts in the middle we can pull out.
Jake: Title of your sex tape?

Hitchcock: Uh-oh. Guys! We have a major problem here. No garlic bread.
Scully: Okay, we need to stay calm. Let's think. The garlic bread needs to go in the toaster oven with eight minutes left on the lasagna. Maybe we could run down to the corner store and make it in time.
Hitchcock: That just gives us 12 minutes to go to a place and come back.
Scully: Mama Magglione.

Sergeant Jeffords: Quinn, did you get the alert?
Officer Gwen: Yeah, but I haven't seen anyone unusual down here. I mean, other than 1,000 Kappa Gamma Kappas.
Sergeant Jeffords: At least you didn't have to deal with Lambda Nus. Those girls are savages.
Whitney Grubner: Right? We're the victims here. We have a nighttime event, and if we don't make our blowouts, then we'll all look disgusting, and nobody will give any money to the kids, or dogs, or whatever the charity is.
Barbara Arbara: It's to buy shoes for poor people so they can get jobs.
Whitney Grubner: Yeah.
Sergeant Jeffords: We'll do our best, but it's possible you're gonna miss your event.
Whitney Grubner: That's too bad, 'cause you could use some decent shoes.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? Terry got these at Aldo.
Whitney Grubner: Was it buy one, get one?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, it wasn't. It was a three-for-one Labor Day doorbuster.
Whitney Grubner: Makes sense.

Jake: [answering a video chat] Ames, I love you, but I can't talk right now.
Amy: I just got an alert that the Nine-Nine is on lockdown. I'm on my way.
Jake: Wait, aren't you at the dentist?
Amy: Yeah, I left. It's fine. It's a new hygienist, and to be honest, her scraping technique was a joke.

Rosa: You want to break up? But I just met your college friends. Are you telling me I had to talk to Matt for nothing?
Jake: Rosa.
Jocelyn: I thought you liked Matt.
Rosa: Matt is a nightmare. He kept saying "hashtag tell me about it."

Charles: Ooh, did something awkward happen? I can probably relate. Dish, bish.
Jake: Rosa got dumped out of the blue because she cares so much about her job and doesn't spend enough time with Jocelyn. [Rosa punches Jake in the arm] Ow! There's no winning with you.
Charles: Oh, so you got dumped, and you didn't see it coming. Oh, brother, you are in Boyle Country. Here's what you're gonna want to do.
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, Boyle.
Charles: Beg her to take you back, and don't be afraid to cry. I'm talking tears and snot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no. They're running free. Everyone, cover up your worst physical attributes.
Charles: It's no use. They could always find new ones.

Hitchcock: [answering the phone] Go for Hitch.
Captain Holt: Hitchcock, damn it. I meant to call Peralta. We're in the middle of a crisis.
Hitchcock: Oh, no. Is it the lasagna?
Captain Holt: The what?
Hitchcock: Don't play dumb with me, Raymond. What's wrong with the lasagna?
Captain Holt: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Scully: What is it? What's wrong with the lasagna? Is it bubbling over?
Hitchcock: He won't tell me.
Scully: Captain, give us the damned information. Is it bubbling over?
Captain Holt: I don't have time for these shenanigans.

Scully: What's the problem?
Hitchcock: He wouldn't say.
Scully: Oh, no. Then it must be bad. Call Jake. He'll tell us the truth.
Jake: [answering the phone] Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: Give it to us straight, man. What's going on?
Jake: Uh, just searching the first floor.
Hitchcock: [to Scully] Searching the first floor?
Scully: Why is the lasagna on the first floor?
Hitchcock: [to Jake] Why is the lasagna on the first floor?
Jake: What? Are you talking about? The lasagna is fine.
Hitchcock: Oh, thank God. [to Scully] He says it's fine.
Scully: Oh, you're a saint, Jakey. I love you.
Jake: Okay. Holt's texting me. Love you, too.

Charles: What's happening?
Sergeant Knox: I think the hacker just opened the holding cell.
Jake: Mama Magglione.

Captain Holt: Let's mobilize. Nobody in or out of the building without authorization. Check every inch of every floor. And, Jake.
Jake: Oh, let me guess. It's on another tooth now. Is it somehow on my face?
Captain Holt: No, what I was going to say is, we only have 15 minutes left. You need to focus, because time is running out.
Jake: Oh, yeah. That's what the F I'm talking about. Thank you, sir.

Charles: We just checked the third floor. We didn't find anyone.
Jake: We're on our way to one.
Sergeant Jeffords: You didn't even start yet?
Jake: Rosa took a long time getting ready. You know how ladies be preppin'. [Rosa punches Jake in the arm] Ow! I was just covering up the truth so it wouldn't be awkward.

Rosa: Jocelyn.
Jake: Jocelyn Pryce, hey.
Rosa: What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the airport?
Jocelyn: Yeah, uh, I wanted to stop and see you on the way there. I think we need to talk.
Rosa: Why? Is something wrong?
Jocelyn: I should've done this last night, but I chickened out. We need to break up.
Jake: Ugh. Mama Magglione.

Hitchcock: Worst morning ever.
Jake: Yeah, it was stressful, but we got the guy. Surprised you two are taking it so hard.
Hitchcock: We were talking about our lunch, you self-absorbed son-of-a-bitch.
Jake: Come on.

Rosa: Stupid piece of crap.
Jake: Rosa, come on. You can't break a mouse in half.
Rosa: [mouse snaps]
Jake: Oh, wow, you did. Scary. You really earn your rep.

Rosa: Listen, I just don't understand why this is happening.
Jocelyn: Look, I love being with you, but how often am I actually with you?
Rosa: We're together every night.
Jocelyn: Unless you're at work, or doing work, or thinking about work. It's like you never have time for me.
Jake: I'm sorry, but Rosa doesn't have time for you. We have a really important work thing. That was bad. Let me try rephrasing it. You are not as important as Rosa's job. Oh, wow. That was way worse.

Jocelyn: Okay, fine. But I'm leaving in 10 minutes.
Rosa: Okay, just wait in the break room. Don't sit on the couch. It's full of farts.

Jake: You okay?
Rosa: Yeah, I'm great. I love being dumped. It's super great.
Jake: I think you're being sarcastic, but it's hard to tell with your voice the way it always is.

Rosa: Stupid Internet. The network's been down all morning, and my girlfriend-
Jake: Jocelyn.
Rosa: Right. She's leaving town for two weeks.
Jake: Oh, is Jocelyn leaving town? Where is Jocelyn going?
Rosa: Dude, you forgot her name one time. It's not a big deal. You don't have to keep proving you remember it.
Jake: [laughs] That's not what's happening here. I'm just saying it a lot, because she's so important to me.
Rosa: Okay, what's her last name?
Jake: Uh-oh.

Rosa: I'm sorry. My job is hard.
Jocelyn: Yeah, it is, and it's important, and you help people, but I need more.
Rosa: I promise I'll try.
Jocelyn: Honestly, I just don't see it changing.
Amy: Move, move, move! Oh, no, why are you outside? Is it over? Did we catch the hacker?
Rosa: No, I have a personal thing that's more important to me.
Amy: Oh, yeah, work-life balance. I have that, too.

Sergeant Jeffords: I thought you said you searched the entire first floor.
Jake: I did. I even checked the ceiling for clingers.
Amy: Hey, who's that guy from Cyber?
Jake: Sergeant Knox. We've been talking computers all day. Pretty technical stuff. I kept up.

Sergeant Jeffords: Do you need to use a phone to make a call?
Heather Monitz-Glausch: Gross, I don't know any phone numbers.

Rosa: Where the hell did Jocelyn go?
Charles: Elevator. Tears and snot.

Amy: Hi, I'm Sergeant Santiago. I'm sure these guys have told you all about me already. Long story short, nothing happens around here without me.

Jake: [answering a video chat] Hey, Ames.
Amy: Cab was too slow. Decided to walk. It's nice to take a little stroll.
Jake: You're clearly running at full speed.
Amy: Whatever. How's it going there?
Jake: Not great. We still haven't found the hacker.
Amy: Oh, super. I mean oh, no.
Rosa: Is Amy FOMOWing?
Amy: Of course not.
Jake: Big time. Okay, I gotta go, babe. We're headed to Holt.
Amy: Don't you dare hang up on me! I am part of this.

Jake: What's all this?
Charles: Drunken brawl broke out between to sororities. We're keeping the Lambda Nus up here, and the Kappa Gamma Kappas are in holding on two. They're all so mean.
Sergeant Jeffords: They're kids, Boyle. I'm sure they're just scared.
Heather Monitz-Glausch: Yeah, we're just scared kids. Can we please go home now?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry, we have to process you, but I promise we'll go as fast as we can.
Heather Monitz-Glausch: I hope you get shot in the line of duty.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God.

Jake: Okay, I'm gonna try and put this nicely. That is psychotic. Okay, maybe not psychotic, but it's like something the lady from "Killing Eve" would do. Not Sandra Oh, Villanelle. You know, the crazy one who stabs everyone with her hairpin. Have you still not watched "Killing Eve"? I've told you about it so many times.

Rosa: Look, I've never lost a breakup, and I'm not starting now. I'm 12-0. I'm always the dumper, never the dumpee.
Jake: I just don't think every breakup has a winner and a loser.
Rosa: Sounds like somebody who's lost all his breakups.
Jake: [scoffs] Not all. Maybe like half, max. Just being generous.

Rosa: She's leaving town for two weeks. I want to send flowers to her hotel room.
Jake: Aww, that's sweet. I wish Amy would send me flowers.

Sergeant Jeffords: We searched everywhere. No hacker.
Charles: Maybe he camouflaged himself. Maybe he's a real-life Peeta Mellark, out there - looking like a river rock.