Sergeant Jeffords: This is gonna take forever.
Captain Holt: I actually took a speed reading course. I tested at 800 WPM.
Amy: That's pathetic. I tested at 802.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's pretty close to Holt's score.
Captain Holt: No, no, 802's incredible. She pwned me. I read the entire Urban Dictionary So I could converse with the other uniformed officers. Finished it in 47 minutes.

Captain Holt: But we have to let the investigation run its course. Right now, everyone's a suspect.
Rosa: Except for Hitchcock and Scully. Whoever did it took the stairs.

Rosa: Ugh. She'll probably get ten years. It's better than 30. Let's be real, Debbie's life wasn't gonna begin till she was 50 anyway.
Jake: Yeah, the kooky aunt vibe will probably play a lot better then.

Sergeant Jeffords: Is there anything in those diaries that can help us find 'em?
Charles: Debbie mentioned her mom a bunch in one of the ones I read. Seems like she tells her everything.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ooh, that's a good lead.
Charles: It is a good lead, isn't it? Did you hear that, speed freaks?
Sergeant Jeffords: Let's find out all we can about the mom.
Charles: I'll start reading right away because slow and steady wins...
Amy: Her mother's name is Margaret Jean Fogle.
Captain Holt: She lives in Bensonhurst.
Amy: She drives a maroon Lexus.
Captain Holt: Vanity plates, "DEREKSMOM."
Amy: She's been married three times.
Captain Holt: To Horace Mills.
Amy: Then Frank Yelter.
Captain Holt: And then James Fogle.
Amy: She goes grocery shopping on Tuesdays.
Captain Holt: Water aerobics on Wednesdays.
Amy: Book club on Fridays.
Captain Holt: She drinks too much wine.
Amy: Always a pinot grigio.
Captain Holt: Always from Napa.
Charles: The race. Slow and steady wins the race.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we don't know where Debbie has hidden the drugs. We searched her car, her apartment we even tried the location data on her phone, but she was smart, she had it turned off.
Amy: Or her battery died. According to her Screen Time app, she plays five hours a day of a game called "Cool Girl in School."
Charles: I love "CGIS." I just made captain of the color guard. Junior year's looking up.

Amy: Ow.
Captain Holt: What's going on, Santiago?
Amy: It's nothing. It's my guide finger. I've got paper burn.
Captain Holt: Let me see.
Amy: Hm. Santiago, you're hurt. Don't be a hero.
Captain Holt: Damn. You must've been cooking.
Amy: I was.
Captain Holt: Let's take a break, put some ointment on that.
Amy: Right. And when I come back, my finger's slipping all over the page. Nice try. I'm not falling for any of your tricks.
Captain Holt: Oh, but you already have. While you were waggling your finger in the air, I've been reading all this time out of the corner of my eye.
Amy: Damn it!

Jake: Okay so the women's gym and the cocaine have given Debbie super powers. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Captain Holt: Don't call her Santiago, call her Virginia Slim. Because I'm smoking her.
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, Ray!

Officer Debbie Fogle: What about you guys? How did he turn you?
Jake: Well, I've been dirty long before Nucci came onto the scene. I do a ton of coke. They call me Mr. Springtime because of how fast I make the snow disappear.

Sergeant Jeffords: So how's it going?
Amy: What do you want, Terry? Or are you just here to fan some more flames?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I'm just here to see who's losing and therefore has to wear this hat I made that says, "More Stupider." Fine, yeah, I'm fanning flames. Fan, fan, fan, fan, fan, Santiago.

Jake: So hey, one more thing. We can never let anyone know that we got beat up by Debbie Fogle.
Rosa: Agreed.
Jake: Take it to the grave?
Rosa: To the grave.
Jake: This conversation never happened.
Rosa: I don't even know who you are.
Jake: That's hurtful. You took it too far.
Rosa: That's a weird thing for a stranger to say. Bye.
Jake: Okay.

Charles: This is ridiculous. Neither of you have even taken a bathroom break.
Captain Holt: Are you kidding me? Do you think world record-holder Howard Berg would stop in the middle of a read-off to expel?

Rosa: Shut up, Margaret! Same crap my parents pulled. Always pointing out my flaws, never helping and then bailing when things got messy. You know, I was a lot like you.
Margaret Fogle: You were holed up with a ton of cocaine and a bunch of guns?
Rosa: That's my business.
Jake: What?
Rosa: I spent years telling myself that tough love made me stronger, but you know what I really wish they'd done?
Officer Debbie Fogle: What?
Rosa: Been nice to me. I wish they would've told me I made a mistake, but they still loved me and they would help me try to figure it out. Would've saved me a lot of pain. Debbie, you have made some really bad choices today.
Margaret Fogle: Really bad.
Jake: Not now, Debbie's mom.
Rosa: You are not a bad person. If we get out of this alive, I promise you I will help you however I can.

Charles: You guys are moving fast, but there's no way you're actually comprehending anything. I'm taking my time and reading deliberately, and you know what they say, slow and steady wins the race.
Captain Holt: Psh, classic reg-reader bullcrap.
Amy: Yeah, what are you gonna say next, that you read to relax?
[Amy and Holt laugh]

Jake: Debbie, I'm not like Rosa. Here, check my phone. I haven't been texting the Nine-Nine. I have nothing to hide.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I don't know, there are a lot of sweet messages between you and Amy. I thought you said she stinks like [bleep].
Jake: She does.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Prove it. Describe her stink to me. Don't think about it, just say it.
Jake: Bad mayo, three-day-old macaroni salad.

Jake: Ah, great note, Debbie. The point is we all think Mr. Bean is sexy as hell and wish we looked exactly like him.
Officer Debbie Fogle: You're closer than you think.
Jake: Hm?

Officer Debbie Fogle: I'm gonna send him my favorite GIF of Mr. Bean giving a thumbs up. Oh, Mr. Bean. What a stud. Hey Rosa, what would you do if you could do anything to Mr. Bean?
Rosa: Nothing.
Jake: Come on, Rosa. Don't be shy. Say what you would do to international sex symbol Mr. Bean's body.
Rosa: Fine. I would take a very large glass... [continuous beep] Let himself out.
Jake: I see.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Wow. Um, I just have one quick note, Mr. Bean never [bleep] beg for mercy.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, I normally don't encourage such childish competitions, but this might help things go faster. My only question is, Holt, are you sure your old ass eyes are up to the challenge?
Captain Holt: I know you're just trying to motivate me, but these old ass eyes will be reading your tombstone, son.

Amy: I've never been so attracted to a gay man before, and I dated several in college.
Captain Holt: Shall we have a read-off, Santiago?
Amy: We don't have finger guards.
Captain Holt: So we do it raw.

Sergeant Jeffords: We need to find out how Nucci got to Debbie. Fortunately, it turns out she kept a fairly comprehensive diary.
Charles: As a power journaler, I think we can hold off on using the word "comprehensive."
[cut to:]
Charles: Oh, damn, that's comprehensive.
Captain Holt: These are all just from this year? This one is labeled August 21st.
Amy: "Morning." This one is August 21st "Evening."
Charles: This entire diary is about an episode of "House Hunters."

Jake: Nucci is the real bad guy, here. And you heard Debbie, she's only doing this to get the money for her dad's surgery.
Rosa: There are other ways to get money. She could've gone to a bank.
Jake: Right. And she's white. She definitely would've gotten approved. Terrific point.
Rosa: That's not what I was saying.
Jake: Ah, we were both thinking it.

Officer Debbie Fogle: Bonkers morning, huh? So, any idea who did it?
Captain Holt: No, but whoever it was had an intimate knowledge of our security systems. It was obviously an inside job.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I bet it was Brian.
Captain Holt: Why do you say that?
Officer Debbie Fogle: Because he once said he has a hot tub. You know how that crowd is.
Captain Holt: I didn't know Brian had a hot tub. That does sound bad.

Jake: Well, I know she committed a crime, but she's clearly in over her head. I don't think she's actually a bad person.
Rosa: She's a grown-up who made her own decisions, and now she has to suffer the consequences.
Jake: You might not get it, but personally, I relate to someone who made a mistake and can't find their way out of it. When I was younger, I was thoroughly hoodwinked by the so-called good people at Columbia CD Club. Next thing you know, I had 16 copies of Blind Melon's first album.

Rosa: Right, well, I'm gonna let the Nine-Nine know we're looking for you, you know, so those idiots don't think we broke you out.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Ooh, you think they're idiots?
Jake: Oh, yeah, big time. I mean, Holt's a blowhard, Jeffords is all brawn, no brains, Boyle's a laughing stock, Amy's just the worst. I mean, she thinks she's so smart and so pretty and she makes me feel good about the world and my place in it, and she [Rosa clears her throat] smells like [bleep]. We've all smelled her.

Hitchcock: It was her. I heard her setting up a drop.
Jake: And why were you in the women's room?
Hitchcock: It wasn't for a gross reason. The men's room was occupied, and I had to dump out.
Jake: Well, as long as it wasn't for a gross reason.

Jake: Anyways, it doesn't matter. Our plan is working. What are you worried about?
Rosa: There's a loose cannon in there with two machine guns.
Jake: She's not a loose cannon. I saw her apologize to a chair after bumping into it. Trust me, we are not gonna have any problems with Debbie.
[cut to:]
Officer Debbie Fogle: Hey, Jake, guess what? You made cocaine sound so cool, I decided to try it. But I didn't wanna overdo it, so I only did, like, a tiny, little toot. Then I didn't feel anything, so I did, like, a little bit more, and I still didn't feel anything, so then I did a lot more, and then I felt it. Like, I really felt it. So then I did a couple more, like, big ass toots. Why do you guys keep ducking behind the bed?
Jake: 'Cause you keep pointing those guns at us.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Oh, my God. Do not worry about it. It's totally fine.

Officer Debbie Fogle: What'll happen to the person, you know, if you find them?
Captain Holt: Well, they've committed several felonies. Probably looking at, uh, 30-to-life.
Officer Debbie Fogle: So that person could miss 15 Olympics. Cool. I have to go.

Jake: Well, you really gonna help out Debbie or did you just say all that stuff so she'd let us go?
Rosa: I told the DA she cooperated and he agreed to be lenient, especially since we got Nucci and the cocaine was returned. Except for the pound of it that Debbie did.
Jake: Yeah. The paramedic said he had never heard a human heart beat that loudly. He could hear it outside of her body.

Jake: Oh, man, grabbing Debbie was a big mistake.
Silvio Nucci: What do you mean by...?
Officer Debbie Fogle: Hi-ya!
Amy: Whoa, Debbie, that was amazing.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Thanks. By the way, Jake thinks you smell like [bleep].
Jake: What? That's weird. I don't know why she said that. Anyways, let's get Debbie into a cop car.

Officer Debbie Fogle: [on cell phone] They know the drugs are missing. They don't suspect me because I'm playing it super cool. Now, when is the handoff? Yes, I'm alone in the ladies' room. No one can hear me.
[cut to:]
Hitchcock: Okay, so I know something, but you can't ask how I know it.
Jake: Debbie.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's Debbie.
Jake: Took the coke and the guns.
Rosa: Debbie, right?
Amy: Yeah. We know it's Debbie.
Jake: Acting super suspicious.

Officer Debbie Fogle: Mmm, what do I want in my sandwich? Let's see. Definitely ham, cheese, baking soda for sure, French vanilla creamer, ooh, orange chicken. [runs] Ah!
Sergeant Jeffords: Debbie!
[Scully holds his arm out and knocks Debbie to the ground]
Officer Debbie Fogle: Ooh!
Scully: You really thought you'd get away with it?
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, Scully!
Scully: I was planning on eating that orange chicken later!
Sergeant Jeffords: Is that why you took her down? Do you even know about the missing cocaine?
Scully: Cocaine?

Jake: Debbie, what's your plan here? Talk to me.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Why? So you can just tell me more beautiful lies? You think you can just lick your lips and make me weak in the knees?
Jake: No. [licks lips]
Officer Debbie Fogle: Nice try, but I closed my eyes so I didn't even see it.
Jake: Oh, come on.

Jake: Well, anyways, I was just gonna say that, you know, once we're done with this big score, we need a place to hide out. Somewhere where the cops could never find us.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Ooh, like Epcot.
Jake: Uhh, yes, Epcot is great. That's exactly what I was thinking.
Officer Debbie Fogle: We can kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower, on the canals of Venice, oh, in the Canada pavilion.
Jake: Yes, but why wait till the Canada Pavilion when we can start right now?

Jake: Hey, sorry to interrupt. Mrs. Fogle, we weren't introduced. I'm Jake, Debbie's boyfriend.
Officer Debbie Fogle: You are? We are?
Jake: I mean, yeah, if you're into it.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I am. I do. See, Mom. I am with someone. All those psychics were wrong.
Jake: So listen, babe...
Officer Debbie Fogle: Yes, babe?
Jake: I was thinking...
Officer Debbie Fogle: About what, babe?
Jake: That we...
Officer Debbie Fogle: Go on, babe.
Jake: Wow, you really latched onto the babe thing.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I love it.
Jake: Great, great, great.

Rosa: You have to get the gun from her.
Jake: I know, but how do I get close enough?
Rosa: There's one way. She clearly has a thing for you.
Jake: Why do you say that? Just because she has a fantasy of us as a dog couple? Wait. Yeah, I see it. That's gonna work.

Sergeant Jeffords: The coke Debbie took was evidence against Silvio Nucci. Now, he wanted it gone, and I think he got Debbie to do his dirty work.
Jake: I'm sorry, you think Debbie is working with notorious crime boss Silvio Nucci? The same Debbie who has a denim jacket that says "Rock 'n Roll"?

Officer Debbie Fogle: Oh, hey, Jake. What's what's the deal with the office today? It it feels crazy.
Jake: Somebody stole 20 bricks of coke and some machine guns from evidence.
Officer Debbie Fogle: What? It's the first I'm hearing of it.
Jake: Yeah, well, you just got here, right?
Officer Debbie Fogle: Right. I need you to find whoever did this and kill them... Till they're dead.

Officer Debbie Fogle: Look what I found. Do you like it, Jake?
Jake: Uh, yes! I love it. Real Cruella de Vil vibes.
Officer Debbie Fogle: No, no, no. I'm not Cruella de Vil. I would never hurt dogs. I'm Perdita!
Jake: Who?
Officer Debbie Fogle: The romantic lead of the film. Pongo's wife. The girl dog.
Jake: Yes, yes! Of course, you look exactly like Perdita.

Sergeant Jeffords: We know you did it, Debbie. Just tell me the truth. Let me be your friend here.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Thank you, but I already have plenty of friends. Gil, Finn, Goldie, Bubbles...
Sergeant Jeffords: Those are clearly just the names of your pet fish.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Okay, fine. They're my fish. And I took the drugs. I'm sorry. I screwed everything up.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, this is good. Now just tell me why you did it.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Because I need my drugs. I'm a big time drug girl.
Sergeant Jeffords: Debbie, I don't think that's true. I think Silvio Nucci forced you to do this against your will.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Nucci? [laughs manically] What?
[cut to:]
Sergeant Jeffords: She sat there and laughed for 40 minutes.

Jake: Hey, you know that was Undercover Jake talking in there, right?
Rosa: Relax, man.
Jake: So you're not gonna tell Amy what I said.
Rosa: Oh, no, I definitely am. I'm saying relax because there's no way you can stop me.
Jake: Damn it.

Rosa: In high school, I broke into a bunch of houses and wound up in juvie.
Amy: What? That's terrible.
Jake: I mean, yeah, Rosa's is a little worse.
Rosa: I was in ballet school, and there was so much pressure to be perfect all the time that I just snapped. If I hadn't been underage, I would've gone to prison.
Jake: It's all the more reason you should have sympathy for Debbie and understand why she could use our help.
Rosa: Nobody helped me. My parents kicked me out of the house - and told me I was on my own.
Charles: I'm so sorry you had to go through all that alone, Rosa.
Rosa: No, it was a good thing. I had to face my mistakes and fix them by myself. It made me a stronger person. So, no, I don't think we should take pity on Debbie.

Officer Debbie Fogle: I'm so dumb. I'm such an idiot. I'm dumb! I'm dumb!
Jake: Ah, hey, why don't you let me hold your gun for you, and then you can hit yourself in the face with your fist like a normal person having a mental breakdown.

Jake: Okay, fine. But even so, wouldn't you rather take down Silvio Nucci, a known crime boss, instead of Debbie Fogle, a rewards member at JOANN Fabrics?
Rosa: Yeah, but Debbie's not gonna testify against Nucci.
Jake: You may be right. And that's why we're gonna catch him in the act. Brace yourselves, everyone. We're about to pop that Nucci. Apologies, that was inappropriate in the workplace. But in my defense, that was a song that I learned about from Columbia House, Rosa.

Rosa: Debbie. Trunk. Now.
Jake: Sorry, it's a little tight in there.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Oh, I'm not picky. I don't need light or oxygen. I'm kind of like a low-maintenance plant. Ooh, like a succulent.
Jake: That's great, Debbie. But the trunk is closing on its own, it's definitely not me slamming it.

Officer Debbie Fogle: So you guys are gonna stay here with me?
Jake: Nucci thought we could help you guard the coke.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Oh, I can handle it. I'm pretty tough. I take self-defense at the women's gym. Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
Jake: Oh, neat. You actually say the words "hi-ya," like Miss Piggy.

Rosa: You're making a big mistake, Debbie. This isn't gonna work.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I'm such a terrible judge of character. I was wrong about Rosa, I missed all the signs with my cousin Jared.
Jake: The sandwich guy.