Rosa: And hey, you should never worry about your kids. You're the best dad I know. Cagney and Lacey are gonna grow up great.
Sergeant Jeffords: You think so?
Rosa: 100%.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're right. They're gonna be twin presidents. They'll either run as one person and trick everyone, or they'll run as two and they'll serve for sixteen consecutive years. It's a damned dynasty.

Gina: First off, I would like to remind you all about several notable men from my past. The rock-climbing backpacker, the underwear model, the guy who looked like Tywin Lannister. I bring these men to mind so you can appreciate this dalliance for what it was, an outlier. I will now take questions.
Hitchcock: How was the sex?
Gina: Gross.
Hitchcock: The sex was gross, or I'm gross?
Gina: You're gross. The sex was adequate.
Rosa: How many times did you do it?
Gina: 16 and a third. Don't ask, can't explain.
Charles: I have a question. Do you have any regrets?
Gina: No. It was pretty fun. Thank you so much for coming out today.

Jake: Hey, I should've said this last night, but your first casual relationship nice work!
Charles: I know! I didn't even propose to her once.

Jake: You wanna do me? I'll do you right back. Tit for toot.
Captain Holt: I've been on the force for 30 years, and I've never been accused of impropriety.
Jake: Oh, is that a fact? Because I heard you call Deputy Chief Wuntch by her first name and after that, you told her you hoped she got carried off by crows. That is gross insubordination.
Captain Holt: Madeline is irrelevant. Our battles extend beyond the confines of NYPD rules. You're being ridiculous.

Jake: All right, let's go through the squad one by one.
Captain Holt: Rosa's very secretive. I don't know anything about her personal life. Charles has expensive tastes. Gina has said many times that she would sell us all out for five minutes with Blake Griffin.
Jake: Let's see, Terry wants to send his twins to private school. But on his salary, that's difficult.
Captain Holt: Mm.
Jake: Plus with twins, one of them's always evil, so... It's Cagney.

Captain Holt: Miller may be in Internal Affairs, but he wasn't here on official business. You sent him to spy on us. That's a flagrant ethics violation, Madeline. And it could sink you.
Madeline Wuntch: Fine, you're right. But you can't prove that. It's just your word against mine.
Jake: Ooh, actually, it's your word against you. Pardon me. I put a recording device in this dope drive, so I got your whole conversation.
Captain Holt: You're going to leave my precinct and my task force alone. Or else... You're Wuntch meat.
Jake: You sure you wanna go with that one?
Captain Holt: Absolutely. It's hilarious.

Kevin: Raymond, your work life is here. [to Jake] Please, come in. Take off your shoes.
Jake: Neither of us want that.

Jake: What else, what else, what else? Wait a minute. One time, I saw Rosa eating watermelon. But then, when I asked her about it, she said she'd never eaten that or any other kind of melon. Now that I say it out loud, it doesn't seem like much.
Captain Holt: No. Put it on the board!

Captain Holt: Unfortunately, we don't have any hard proof that they're working together.
Jake: Well, lucky for you, proof is my middle name. And yours is Jared. Juice box. Jellyfish. Jamiroquai!

Jake: But more importantly, what does the "J" stand for? James? John? Jo-Jo?
Captain Holt: My middle name is more important to you than being suspended?
Jake: If it's Jo-Jo? Yes.

Jake: If you're such a great cop, how come you didn't know there was a mole in your precinct? That's right, because you did. Because you are the mole, you mole!
Captain Holt: I've heard enough! Please return your guest pajamas, guest toothbrush, and guest slippers, and get out of here. It's time for you to be suspended.

Jake: Hey, check it out. Dog bra. Dog bra. Oh, I'm so tired. I can't keep my eyes open. Here, I need you to slap me.
Captain Holt: I'm not gonna do that, Peralta. [slaps Jake]
Jake: Oh!
Captain Holt: I thought perhaps the element of surprise would help.
Jake: It did!

Jake: Wait a minute. You lied to me? There was no "pizza for one" cooking class tonight. You've been lying to me for weeks!
[cut to:]
Charles: Oh, I can't tonight. I'm teaching inner city kids to make candles.
[cut]
Charles: Oh, sorry. I'm going to a prenatal yoga class.
[cut]
Charles: No can do, going to my adult tumbling class.
[present:]
Charles: Yes, Jake, those were lies. But the way you looked at me when you thought I was a gymnast made me wish it were true.
Jake: You came into work with chalk on your hands, Boyle.

Jake: Because I know these guys. I know everything about them.
Captain Holt: Well, you're a poor police officer if you don't think people can surprise you.
Jake: Not these people. Here, watch this. I know what everyone's gonna do tonight. It's Thursday, so Gina's gonna leave early to rehearse with her new dance group, Dancy Reagan. They're the first ladies of movement. Amy's gonna be going over her weekly budget. And Charles will be attending a "pizza for one" cooking class.
Charles: Tonight's menu: Pepper-alone-I.
Jake: And if I run and leap at Terry, he will most certainly catch me in his arms. Coming in!
Sergeant Jeffords: No! I'm holding coffee!

Jake: Hey there. Jake Peralta.
Lieutenant Miller: I'm sorry, handshakes are the greatest avenues of germ transmission. I generally prefer simple nods.
Jake: Okay.
Lieutenant Miller: Would you, uh, pass me that hand sanitizer, please?
Jake: Yeah.
Lieutenant Miller: No, no, no! Use your elbows. And keep your nostrils closed. Don't breathe on it. [Jake drops it] Forget it, I'll just use a wipe.
Jake: Smort. Get off dem germs.