Season 5 Quotes Page 1 of 27

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Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Venue

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, can I get $350 in petty cash? I need to throw an ice cream party for Teri-with-an-I, make sure there's no hard feelings.
Captain Holt: Why? She gets it was a misunderstanding. She's a Teri, and you're a Terrance who, even though he's not a child, still goes by a nickname ending in a Y.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, don't people call you Ray?
Captain Holt: How dare you.

Quote from Hitchcock in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Sergeant Jeffords: Just eating butter like a popsicle, huh, Boyle?
Charles: Yeah, I know, I'm spoiling myself, but I'm depressed. Or have you forgotten that Jake, my best friend, is in prison?
Scully: Wait, Jake's in prison?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah! He and Rosa were framed for a bunch of bank robberies by Lieutenant Hawkins.
Scully: Oh, right. And where's Gina?
Sergeant Jeffords: On maternity leave! We were all at her baby shower last week.
Hitchcock: Okay. And why am I bleeding?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Oh, so you don't have all the answers. I'm bleeding because my piece-of-crap son-in-law bit me.

Quote from Jake in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which is why we have to keep working the case. There has to be some way to exonerate them.
Amy: I've been looking, but I can't find anything, and I don't know what to do.
Jake: "I can't find anything and I don't know what to do": title of your sex tape.

Quote from Charles in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Quote from Jake in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Charles: So, it sounds like you're isolated and haven't had any chance to make new friends.
Jake: Well, my cellmate, Caleb, is okay.
Charles: Just remember he's in prison. No matter how small the crime, people don't change and don't deserve second chances.
Jake: Charles, relax. I'm not gonna replace you.

Quote from Charles in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Guard: There's an incident in the yard. We're going into lockdown. Inmates, line up.
Jake: No. No, no, no, no, no. I have 50 more minutes. I need this.
Guard: Back to your cells right now.
Charles: No! My touching time.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Captain Holt: Pay no attention to him, Rosa. He's very emotional, Rosa.
Rosa: Why are you saying my first name?
Captain Holt: Well, Rosa, I read an article in a medical journal that said one destabilizing aspect of incarceration is the constant dehumanization, Rosa. You need to be reminded that you're more than just a number, Rosa. You are Rosa, Rosa.
Rosa: Yup, that fixes prison.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, Diaz sent us a list of favors she needs us to do for her. She didn't hold back. First, she wants us to move all her furniture into storage.
Captain Holt: Okay.
Sergeant Jeffords: Then file her taxes for her.
Captain Holt: Really?
Sergeant Jeffords: And then she wants us to type up and email these letters to Pimento in Argentina.
Captain Holt: Are they sexual in nature?
Sergeant Jeffords: Crazy sexual.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, also, she's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle, so she wants us to take it out once a day. Here.
Captain Holt: I think you should do this. You're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
Sergeant Jeffords: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain Holt: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain Holt: Yas, queen.

Quote from Rosa in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Rosa: Oh, were you able to send that email to Adrian?
Captain Holt: Oh, yes, he wrote back right away. It wasn't as graphic as I feared. He wrote the number eight, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, capital D. Oh! I see what this is. This is a-
Rosa: Yup.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Captain Holt: I've been on the phone for six hours and I just wanna cancel an account. Yes, you've mentioned the bundles and I don't want home phone service. No, do not transfer me, Rodrigo no, no! No, Rodrigo!

Quote from Rosa in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Rosa: So, were you able to cancel my cable?
Captain Holt: Of course. It was easy.
Rosa: Good, because I have something else. I need you to take my dog to Argentina to be with Adrian on his ranch. Now, I know what you're gonna ask me, and the answer is no, I don't have a map of the booby traps, but I can tell you how he thinks.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Big House Pt.1

Rosa: I can't believe it took that long. I really thought the cable company was gonna break you.
Captain Holt: It did. But the good news is, you now have Epix, plus some channel called "Tunez," with a Z. Two-year commitment.

Quote from Jake in the episode The Big House Pt. 2

Jake: So, I got assigned to this one rookie, and on his training day, I made him smoke angel dust at gunpoint. King Kong ain't got nothing on me.
Tank: Isn't that the plot and tagline of The movie "Training Day"?
Jake: Yes, great observation, Tank. That's because it's based on my life.

Quote from Jake in the episode The Big House Pt. 2

Jake: Okay. No big deal. Five days is nothing. I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are awesome. "Die Hard 6" on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me, I'm gonna die alone. Oh, boy, that happened fast. Guard? Guard!

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