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Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Ransom

Captain Holt: He's calling.
Jake: Sir, remember, we need two minutes for the trace.
Captain Holt: Two minutes, understood.
Jake: So just keep him talking and stay calm.
Captain Holt: Peralta, I'm in complete control.
Man: [disguised voice on the phone] Hello?
Captain Holt: Shut your damn mouth. I'm the one talking here.
Man: Then this is over. [beep]
Jake: And he hung up. Well, that could've gone better.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Jimmy Jab Games II

Captain Holt: So Diaz, I figured out why you wanna win. I hacked your work calendar.
Rosa: Those calendars are public. Everyone on the system has access.
Captain Holt: I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

Quote from Amy in the episode Manhunter

Amy: My period's late, I think I might be pregnant.
Rosa: Oh, damn.
Amy: I can't be pregnant! Jake and I agreed to wait at least a year until we tried. I haven't found an OB, I'm not on any preschool waiting lists, and I spent all of yesterday in a room with Hitchcock and his new cologne, which can't be good for the baby it is literally called Zika!

Quote from Hitchcock in the episode The Jimmy Jab Games II

Charles: Okay, here we go, everyone. The game begins when the elevator doors ding. Are you ready for the Hellevator?
Hitchcock: Buckle up. The juice is loose! I am, Hitchcock!
Jake: What the [bleep]?

Quote from Amy in the episode Admiral Peralta

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, we're so happy for you, but we also maybe, kind of already knew. I mean, you didn't do the best job of hiding it.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why have you been carrying that box around so much?
Amy: I just love this box.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Why are you reading that newspaper? It's two days old.
Amy: I just love this issue.
[flashback:]
Rosa: Hey, why are you wearing that Hazmat suit?
Amy: I just love this look.

Quote from Charles in the episode Manhunter

Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta, you're in charge of the manhunt for the shooter.
Jake: Oh, my God, it's a manhunt. And I'm the Manhunter.
Charles: And I'm your sidekick, the Boyhunter.
Rosa: Come on, dude.

Quote from Adrian Pimento in the episode Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Uh, I'm scared of heights, Jake.
Jake: Yeah, so am I, Adrian.
Adrian Pimento: This might not be the time to tell you, but both my parents died falling out of lighthouses, separate incidents.
Jake: Oh, man, I have so many questions, but for now, just follow my lead, okay?

Quote from Jake in the episode Ransom

Jake: Okay, I'm approaching the drop site. I don't see anything unusual.
Captain Holt: We have eyes on you. Just be natural.
Jake: Indeed, I will. Oh, look, a yellow crested warbler.
Kevin: Very good.
Jake: [phone ringing] He's calling. Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.
Captain Holt: There isn't time. Just answer.
Jake: Okay. [answers phone] You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner. Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Ding Dong

Jake: Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.
Captain Holt: Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.
Charles: A what?
Captain Holt: A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.
Jake: You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Captain Kim

Captain Holt: It's like there's something great at this party for everyone, even me. She's serving my favorite dessert: carrots.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Ransom

Jake: That was the single coolest thing that has ever happened.
Captain Holt: Relax, Peralta. That wasn't even the coolest thing I've ever done.
Jake: What have you done that's cooler?
Captain Holt: It was the '80s. It was nothing, I mean, they made a movie out of it, but whatever.
Jake: What? What movie?
Captain Holt: I don't remember the title. Uh, there was a crime on a plane, I was a passenger.
Jake: Was it "Passenger 57?"
Captain Holt: I honestly don't know.
Jake: It had to have been. Just say it was that.
Captain Holt: You know, Peralta, sometimes I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth.
Jake: Oh, my God, was it "Rush Hour?"
Captain Holt: What? No. You know what? I'm too old for this crap.
Jake: It was "Lethal Weapon?!" Sir, are you Murtaugh?! Does that make me Riggs? I'm Riggs!

Quote from Charles in the episode Ransom

Sergeant Jeffords: You know, I bet we could sell this stuff.
Charles: You really think so? [gasps] We can call our company "The Bone Boys." No! "More Bone, Less Moan." No! "Workplace Bone Buds." That's the one. I'm registering it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ewh, we can name the company later.

Quote from Amy in the episode Captain Kim

Jake: Okay, look, Captain Kim lied to us. There's something in this house that proves she's conspiring with Madeline Wuntch, and we're gonna find it.
Amy: I am not letting you snoop around in her stuff and ruin this party.
Jake: Oh, okay. Well, good luck trying to stop us.
Amy: Oh, Jake. You don't know who you're dealing with, do you? I was a student chaperone at every dance from middle school on. I've stopped more horny teenagers from making out to Savage Garden than you can count.
Jake: Cool story, but we're not horny teens. We're horny adults. And tonight we're going all the way. Come on, Holt, let's shake this narc.
Amy: That's right, I am a NARC, a Nationally Accredited and Registered Chaperone.

Quote from Jake in the episode Ransom

Jake: The 92nd Street Y, I had a wonderful symposium on just that topic.
Kevin: That's it. You're getting it.
Jake: Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Captain Holt: Don't say "cool," instead say "indeed."
Jake: Oh, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed. [laughs] It's weird.

Quote from Scully in the episode Valloweaster

Charles: Why did you want Cheddar to swallow the gems?
Rosa: Because I needed to delay things. The second part of my plan took place on Valentine's Day, which went perfectly.
Jake: Ah, I wouldn't say perfectly. Scully swallowed the gems.
Rosa: 'Cause I tricked him into it. Wasn't hard. Pretty much used the same Cheddar ham playbook.
[flashback:]
Scully: Table ham. Seven days in a row.
[present:]
Scully: So now I have to think twice before I eat food I find lying around. Thanks a lot.

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