Rosa: And when this is over, I'm going to find you, and I'm going to break those little fingers.
Judge: Ms. Diaz, please stop threatening the stenographer!

Jake: It's the most fun day of the year. Something you wouldn't understand because you're not programmed to feel joy.
Captain Holt: Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Gina: Plus, we already have the perfect candidate already, Savant.
Sergeant Jeffords: That punk who hacked us?
Gina: Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength. Like Paris Hilton re her sex tape.
Captain Holt: Get to the point.
Gina: Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up. Taller and thicker than ever.
Sergeant Jeffords: But how can we be sure he won't turn on us?
Gina: His mom ratted him out, so I bet he'd love a steady pay check to get out of that snitch's house. Oh, if I had a mic right now, I'd drop it.

Gina: All men are at least 30% attracted to me. My mother cried the day I was born, because she knew she would never be better than me. At any given moment, I'm thinking about one thing: Richard Dreyfuss hunkered over eating dog food. I feel like I'm the Paris of people.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Gina: Have you seen Captain Holt? Tall, handsome gentleman dressed like an airline pilot.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Gina: It's a sloppy Jessica. Mac n cheese, chili, pizza on a bun. Its everything I've wanted to eat for the last 48 hours.
Sergeant Jeffords: What happened? I thought you were gonna 'last forever bitches.'
Gina: Turns out I gave up easy. You hear that bitches? I gave up so easy.

Sergeant Jeffords: You look chipper, Captain. Fun weekend?
Captain Holt: There was a small fire in my home. I lost many photo albums of treasured memories. I'm devastated.