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Quote from Adrian Pimento in the episode The Bank Job

Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Quote from Gina in the episode The Overmining

Sergeant Jeffords: And, Gina, you can't run that space heater 24/7 anymore.
Gina: Space heater? Excuse me, this is a Fornax Radiant Comfort System, and her name is Jacinta.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, well, Jacinta's gotta go.
Gina: He didn't mean that, darling.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously, turn off the space heater.
Gina: No.
Sergeant Jeffords: Do it, now. That's an order.
Gina: Yeah, well, you don't wanna start a battle of the wills with Gina Linetti because you will emerge from that battle a broken man. Not to brag, but I was name-checked in my kindergarten teacher's suicide note.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh my God.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Last Ride

Captain Holt: Do not trust any child that chews bubble gum-flavored bubble gum.
Do not trust any adult that chews gum at all.
Never vacation in Banff.

Quote from Hitchcock in the episode The Bank Job

Charles: Sarge, you think Gina will be okay?
Sergeant Jeffords: She says the doctor's can't be sure, but they're optimistic. Apparently, she has something called Ansel-Elgort Syndrome.
Charles: Oh, poor Gina.
Amy: Oh, my God.
Hitchcock: Oh, you fools. That's not a disease. Ansel Elgort's an actor. Did none of you see "The Fault in Our Stars"?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Why did you?
Hitchcock: Teenage romance, dying chick, oxygen mask. Checks all my boxes.

Quote from Adrian Pimento in the episode Mr. Santiago

Adrian Pimento: No, no, no, I don't mess with computers, okay? Ever since I died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, I was like, no thank you. I'm done with this.

Quote from Adrian Pimento in the episode The Bank Job

Jake: Well, listen, we need your help.
Adrian Pimento: Great, who are we killing? I won't do kids. That's a rule. But that rule is negotiable if the kid's a dick.
Rosa: No, babe, we don't want you to kill anyone.
Adrian Pimento:What? Really?
Rosa: No.

Quote from Doug Judy in the episode The Fugitive (Part 2)

Captain Holt: Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Dog fraud.
Doug Judy: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain Holt: You will not win me over with your use of 'twas.
Doug Judy: 'Twasn't trying to.
Jake: [snorts]

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Your Honor

Captain Holt: You're annoying my mother.
Jake: Are you blind? We're vibing like crazy.
Captain Holt: I assure you, my mother's not a vibrator.
Jake: Definitely not what that's short for.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Last Ride

Captain Holt: When people say, "Good morning," they mean, "Hello." When people say, "How are you?" they mean, "Hello." When people say, "What's up?" they mean, "I am a person not worth talking to."

Quote from Gina in the episode The Overmining

Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? The heater's under your skirt?
Gina: Maybe. You can't prove that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I can. There's a cord running under it, and I think you may be on fire.
Gina: Mm, so?
Sergeant Jeffords: What do you mean "so"?
Gina: I'm not giving up Jacinta.
Sergeant Jeffords: You are on fire, Gina. You do not have the upper hand in this situation.
Gina: I always have the upper hand.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not when there's flames shooting out of your butt!
Gina: Especially when there's flames shooting out of my butt.

Quote from Gina in the episode Chasing Amy

Jake: I can't believe this is happening. I didn't think there was any way she could fail the practice test.
Rosa: Well, we still have three hours until the exam.
Jake: First we gotta figure out where she is. All right, think. If you were Amy, where would you be right now?
Gina: Oh, uh, boring pantsuit store. A crossword factory? A museum of retainers and headgear? Is it possible to enter the color beige?

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Mr. Santiago

Captain Holt: My advice: don't be overconfident. The first time I met Kevin's parents, I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange" opus 106 when it is, obviously, opus 104. They haven't spoken to me since.
Jake: Really? Just for that?
Captain Holt: Yes. Also because they're huge homophobes who think that I made Kevin gay with my magic genitalia.
Jake: That's super sad, but I do like hearing you say the word "genitalia".

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Night Shift

Sergeant Jeffords: Should I just go tell everyone to buck up and do their jobs?
Captain Holt: No, the squad's only on night shift because they came down to Florida to save Jake and me. It's my responsibility to fix this, so I'm going to brighten the mood by telling a few jokes. Try this one on for size: I don't care for cheese.I'm a curd-mudgeon. [silence] Wow. You're too tired for humor.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Fugitive (Part 2)

Captain Holt: Oh, I see. So the only thing we have to go on is the word of one of your criminal friends?
Doug Judy: Criminals? That's how you see us? Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family? Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games? Or to steal video games because you smoked all that weed you were supposed to sell?
Captain Holt: Yes, all of those are crimes.
Doug Judy: Damn. Even the bread one?
Captain Holt: Especially the bread one.

Quote from Charles in the episode Cop-Con

Charles: See you in hell, partner. [Charles pushes the K-13 robot off the balconey]
[present:]
Jake: You killed her?
Charles: Her? Oh, my God, it was a her. You were replacing Amy, not me. What have I done?

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