Sergeant Jeffords: Well, think of it this way: It's like doing reps at a gym. Doing something over and over again is how you make your pecs pop.
Captain Holt: The only muscle I care to work out is my brain.
Sergeant Jeffords: Then get those reps in and make that brain pop. Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.
Captain Holt: What you're describing is an aneurism.
Sergeant Jeffords: Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.

Rosa: Where are you going?
Captain Holt: To find out if there was another man.
[later:]
Captain Holt: So, um, Adam is it? I only ask because Madeline never mentioned you.
Adam Jarver: Interesting, 'cause she mentioned you to me, as a friend.
Captain Holt: Friend? I think you added an "R" to the word "fiend."
Adam Jarver: No, I'm sure it was friend. I mean, based on context alone, I wouldn't say somebody was one of my closest fiends.
Captain Holt: Oh, you might. We had a very contentious relationship. She never forgave me for embarrassing her in front of Derek Jeter.
Adam Jarver: Well, I embarrassed her in front of A-Rod and J.Lo together.
Captain Holt: For 15 years I replaced her anti-wrinkle cream with sour cream.
Adam Jarver: I replaced her Lactaid pills with Tic Tacs. Dead moron was crapping her pants for months.
Captain Holt: She hacked into my Netflix account and watched the Lizzie McGuire movie on repeat to ruin my algorithm.

Hitchcock: Please, don't go looking for that witness.
Amy: We're just trying to fix your screw-up.
Scully: We didn't screw up. The witness gave us his name, but he asked us not to write it down because he's undocumented.
Rosa: So he's scared to show up to testify at the courthouse because he didn't want to be detained by ICE.
Amy: Damn it.
Hitchcock: You know, that keeps lots of immigrants from helping cops.
Rosa: Yeah, we know that. We're just surprised that you know that.
Scully: That's insulting. I'm very concerned with immigration issues.
Hitchcock: And I've dated my fair share of spicy...
Rosa: No!
Amy: Scully said the nice thing. You don't need to go past it, Hitchcock.

Amy: Oh, my God! I just heard about Wuntch! She was so young!
Captain Holt: For a redwood tree. Uh, I don't understand what's going on. Why are you crying?
Amy: A person is dead. I feel sad.
Captain Holt: That's insane. You don't feel sad when a monster dies in a monster movie. In "E.T.," do you feel sad when E.T. dies?
Amy: Yes.
Rosa: He wasn't a monster.
Captain Holt: He caused a real commotion.

Brad Portenburg: Hello, squad. My name is Brad Portenburg, and today I'm gonna teach you about workplace conflict. So I brought along someone who's an expert in conflict: my ex-wife. Just kidding. She lives in Vermont with our kids. So can anyone tell me what a stereotype is?
Scully: The Irish are potato-eating drunks.
Hitchcock: And the gays-
Brad Portenburg: No, no, no, what does the word "stereotype" mean?

Jake: NYPD, freeze! Taking down the bad guys without breaking up our convo. That how we do it in the Nine-Nine.
Amy: You're going the wrong direction.
Jake: Damn it. All these hallways look the same. That was such a cool walk-off.

Jake: Let me show you what we found: A security camera grabbed some footage of Cheddar being picked up and put into a car which was registered to an anonymous shell company on Dean Street. We can be there in 15 minutes.
Captain Holt: That's weird. It's sunny outside.
Jake: Why's that weird?
Captain Holt: Because a [bleep]storm is about to rain down on that punk.
Jake: Oh, my God, I fell for it, and I loved it.

Charles: I can't see anything.
Jake: Me neither. We'll just have to rely on our other senses.
Charles: I call smell.
Jake: Okay, really jumped on that one. I wasn't gonna fight you for smell. I figured we'd just listen for sounds.
Charles: Pfft, good luck with that. [sniffs] Hmm. [sniffs] Yeah. [sniffs] Mm-hmm.
Jake: Okay.
Charles: How's it going over there? You hearing anything?
Jake: Yeah, I'm hearing you and your creepy sniffs.
Charles: Really? Well I'm smelling a lot of jealousy coming from your direction.
Jake: Sound to the left.
Charles: Smell to the left. [crashing sound]
Jake: NYPD, hands up.
Charles: [sniffs] Oh, yeah. We got him!
Jake: Charles.

Hitchcock: I dogsat for Scully, and he never thanked me. Kelly was a real handful.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, I'm confused again. Kelly was a dog?
Scully: There were two Kellys. You'd know that if you'd ever listened to my podcast.

Jake: That was the single coolest thing that has ever happened.
Captain Holt: Relax, Peralta. That wasn't even the coolest thing I've ever done.
Jake: What have you done that's cooler?
Captain Holt: It was the '80s. It was nothing, I mean, they made a movie out of it, but whatever.
Jake: What? What movie?
Captain Holt: I don't remember the title. Uh, there was a crime on a plane, I was a passenger.
Jake: Was it "Passenger 57?"
Captain Holt: I honestly don't know.
Jake: It had to have been. Just say it was that.
Captain Holt: You know, Peralta, sometimes I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth.
Jake: Oh, my God, was it "Rush Hour?"
Captain Holt: What? No. You know what? I'm too old for this crap.
Jake: It was "Lethal Weapon?!" Sir, are you Murtaugh?! Does that make me Riggs? I'm Riggs!

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, she's dead.
Captain Holt: Oh, Terry. Zombies can't die. This is some sort of scam. If she were dead, we would be hearing the sounds of children singing in the streets.

Jake: Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.
Captain Holt: Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.
Charles: A what?
Captain Holt: A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.
Jake: You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

Sergeant Jeffords: Why would Wuntch fake her own death?
Captain Holt: The same reason she visits Mexico once a year and sucks the blood from all the goats. For kicks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Look, I don't know what to tell you, but she's dead. What do you want? To open up her coffin and check for yourself?
[later:]
Captain Holt: Oh, she's very dead.

Captain Holt: It's like there's something great at this party for everyone, even me. She's serving my favorite dessert: carrots.

Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta, you're in charge of the manhunt for the shooter.
Jake: Oh, my God, it's a manhunt. And I'm the Manhunter.
Charles: And I'm your sidekick, the Boyhunter.
Rosa: Come on, dude.