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Quote from Sergeant Jeffords in the episode Trying

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, think of it this way: It's like doing reps at a gym. Doing something over and over again is how you make your pecs pop.
Captain Holt: The only muscle I care to work out is my brain.
Sergeant Jeffords: Then get those reps in and make that brain pop. Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.
Captain Holt: What you're describing is an aneurism.
Sergeant Jeffords: Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.

Quote from Adrian Pimento in the episode Pimento

Jake: Pimento, Pimento, Pimento! Don't worry. Everything's okay. You've had some brain trauma, and it caused you to lose your memory. You're scared that you're in danger, but there is no evidence that anyone is trying to kill you. You're safe.
Adrian Pimento: Wait, wait, really? Whew, okay. Thank you. I was really worried, you know, 'cause of this gunshot wound.
Jake: Oh, my God, someone's trying to kill you!
Adrian Pimento: What? You just told me that wasn't the case!

Quote from Rosa in the episode Lights Out

Rosa: [over radio] Peralta, you there?
Jake: Yeah, what's up?
Rosa: You gotta get back here right now. Amy's water broke.
Jake: What?
Charles: What?
Jake: When?
Charles: When?
Jake: Did she lose her mucus plug?
Charles: Did she lose her mucus plug?
Rosa: I can't believe you're making me say this, but she thinks she lost her mucus plug yesterday, but mistook it for normal discharge.
Jake: How thick was it? Was it clear or milky?
Charles: Was it bloody? Was it "the bloody show?"
Rosa: Jake, I think it's very cool that you've learned this, very progressive. Charles, I think you know you crossed a line. Just get back here, now!

Quote from Jake in the episode The Jimmy Jab Games II

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Quote from Amy in the episode Manhunter

Amy: My period's late, I think I might be pregnant.
Rosa: Oh, damn.
Amy: I can't be pregnant! Jake and I agreed to wait at least a year until we tried. I haven't found an OB, I'm not on any preschool waiting lists, and I spent all of yesterday in a room with Hitchcock and his new cologne, which can't be good for the baby it is literally called Zika!

Quote from Jake in the episode Captain Kim

Captain Julie Kim: Well, I went over your recent evaluations, and I don't think you belong here.
Jake: Oh, I knew it. You want to get rid of me. Well, you know what? You can't fire me, because I quit metaphorically. Obviously, for medical insurance reasons, it's actually much better if do you fire me.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Ding Dong

Captain Holt: So you were right. Wuntch was not able to claw through her coffin and write the email herself. It turns out, the lawyer for her estate sent it.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Trying

Captain Holt: Thank you for seeing me. I just wanted to let you know I was wrong. Until last night, I didn't realize how much Russian I'd learned.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, it was impressive. And your accent was great, too.
Captain Holt: Thank you, but I actually speak with the accent of a peasant.

Quote from Amy in the episode Pimento

Amy: Sir, it's a seminar that's too boring for me. I'm saying no to a seminar.

Quote from Charles in the episode Ransom

Sergeant Jeffords: You know, I bet we could sell this stuff.
Charles: You really think so? [gasps] We can call our company "The Bone Boys." No! "More Bone, Less Moan." No! "Workplace Bone Buds." That's the one. I'm registering it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ewh, we can name the company later.

Quote from Jake in the episode Ransom

Jake: Okay, I'm approaching the drop site. I don't see anything unusual.
Captain Holt: We have eyes on you. Just be natural.
Jake: Indeed, I will. Oh, look, a yellow crested warbler.
Kevin: Very good.
Jake: [phone ringing] He's calling. Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.
Captain Holt: There isn't time. Just answer.
Jake: Okay. [answers phone] You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner. Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

Quote from Amy in the episode Admiral Peralta

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, we're so happy for you, but we also maybe, kind of already knew. I mean, you didn't do the best job of hiding it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why have you been carrying that box around so much?
Amy: I just love this box.
Captain Holt: Why are you reading that newspaper? It's two days old.
Amy: I just love this issue.
Rosa: Hey, why are you wearing that Hazmat suit?
Amy: I just love this look.

Quote from Charles in the episode Manhunter

Charles: What's going on? The guy's on Hoyt Street.
Jake: I know, I gave Holt a fake lead to get rid of him. Don't worry, I'm still the Manhunter.
Charles: [singing] He's the Manhunter! And the boy who he hunts with-
Jake: What's that song?
Charles: The Boyhunter song! [singing] Boyhunter Down by the schoolyard.
Jake: Why is he by the schoolyard?
Charles: He's gotta protect the kids!
Jake: Sounds terrible.
Charles: Really, I don't hear it!

Quote from Charles in the episode Captain Kim

Jake: Brace yourselves. You're about to look into the face of pure evil.
Captain Julie Kim: Ah, good morning, good morning, good morning. I'm Captain Julie Kim.
Charles: And I'm Chuck. If you want results, stay the hell out of my way. [tosses coffee cup]
Captain Julie Kim: Okay, wow, I guess I know who the office badass is.

Quote from Charles in the episode Captain Kim

Sergeant Jeffords: Did you just give away your magic jacket?
Charles: Oh, Terry, it wasn't the jacket. I realize now that Chuck was in here. I've had another man deep inside me this whole time.
Sergeant Jeffords: Welcome back, Charles.
Charles: Oh, right away? It was the jacket.

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