Amy: All right, I know what's going on here. You two still don't trust Captain Kim, and you're here to snoop on her.
Captain Holt: I don't know what you're talking about.
Amy: Please. Look at your shoes. You only wear sneakers for their literal purpose: sneaking.
Jake: That's crazy. He's wearing perfectly normal-
Captain Holt: No, she's right. The clown shoes gave me away.

Captain Holt: Okay. Give me your flute. Wrong! First rule: never give anyone your flute.

Charles: How do you know this is their plan?
Amy: 'Cause Jake frickin' told me.
Charles: He did?
Amy: Yeah. He's so frustrated with Holt... like I knew he would be... that it's all he talks about... [quietly] in therapy.
Charles: What?
[flashback to Jake laying on the couch in a therapist's office as Amy hides in the vent:]
Jake: The thing is, the bunny vests do add gravitas, but I can't tell him that 'cause then he wins. Oh, hey, is it weird that Jane Jetson gives me a bo...
[back:]
Charles: You found a therapist that let you do that?
Amy: No, I've been paying an actress to pretend to treat him for months. She's actually helped him a lot.
Charles: Oh, did Jake ever say anything about me while you were listening?
Amy: ... Where are those bunnies?

Jake: The 92nd Street Y, I had a wonderful symposium on just that topic.
Kevin: That's it. You're getting it.
Jake: Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Captain Holt: Don't say "cool," instead say "indeed."
Jake: Oh, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed. [laughs] It's weird.

Jake: Brace yourselves. You're about to look into the face of pure evil.
Captain Julie Kim: Ah, good morning, good morning, good morning. I'm Captain Julie Kim.
Charles: And I'm Chuck. If you want results, stay the hell out of my way. [tosses coffee cup]
Captain Julie Kim: Okay, wow, I guess I know who the office badass is.

Charles: Okay, here we go, everyone. The game begins when the elevator doors ding. Are you ready for the Hellevator?
Hitchcock: Buckle up. The juice is loose! I am, Hitchcock!
Jake: What the [bleep]?

Captain Holt: Excuse me, but does it seem slightly warm to anyone? I feel it is quite warm.
[cut to:]
Jake: What was that? You were supposed to cause a drunken scene.
Captain Holt: I was. I raised the volume of my voice 9% as inebriated people do, and I spoke of the resultant rise in body temperature.
Jake: Well, you need to do more.
Captain Holt: More than that? Pfft, okay.

Jake: Boyle, gather everyone up.
Charles: Oh, we starting a burn book about Holt? Let's drag him, baby!
Jake: No, someone saw our hoodie guy.
Charles: Right, we'll do the burn book later.
Jake: Attention, everyone, we have a possible sighting of our shooter on Hoyt Street. Detective Boyle and I will take Alpha unit. Smith, Fox-
Charles: You guard the burn book.
Jake: Charles, no.
Charles: Stand down.

Charles: Ooh, fun! Terry's playing the flute.
Captain Holt: At work. Who are you, William Wonka?

Charles: What's going on? The guy's on Hoyt Street.
Jake: I know, I gave Holt a fake lead to get rid of him. Don't worry, I'm still the Manhunter.
Charles: [singing] He's the Manhunter! And the boy who he hunts with-
Jake: What's that song?
Charles: The Boyhunter song! [singing] Boyhunter Down by the schoolyard.
Jake: Why is he by the schoolyard?
Charles: He's gotta protect the kids!
Jake: Sounds terrible.
Charles: Really, I don't hear it!

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, she's not lying about her resume. Did you know The Rock's character in "The Fast and the Furious" was based on her? Hobbs. Or Shaw.
Jake: She's not a Hobbs or a Shaw. If anything she's a Trevor. That the guy my mom dated after she divorced my dad.
Sergeant Jeffords: So this is all about your daddy issues?
Jake: Step-daddy issues. This is a new thing. I'm complicated. Anyways, Trevor seemed perfect too, you know? He was nice to my mom, he drove a limousine, he would take us out to restaurants. But then my mom caught him cheating, and we never saw him again. So it turns out when people are too good to be true, they are.

Adrian Pimento: Four month? No, no, no. I watched this last night. That doesn't make any- Where am I? What is that table?
Jake: Calm down. You're at the Nine-Nine, and you know what a table is.
Adrian Pimento: I don't remember coming here. How did I get here?
Jake: Oh, my God. Pimento has "Memento" disease. Your memory is resetting like the guy from the movie "Memento."
Both: What?
Jake: You guys never saw "Memento"? It's the guy with no short-term memory, you know, Christopher Nolan's first movie.
Charles: Is it like Dory from "Finding Dory," she keeps forgetting where she's swimming?
Jake: No, no, it's like-
Adrian Pimento: Dory, yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm like the forgetful little fish.
Jake: Oh, I mean, yeah, it's like that, but it's also like-
Charles: That's what Dory says.
Adrian Pimento: Classic Dory, Jake!
Jake: Ugh, you guys really ruined the coolness of this "Memento" thing.
Adrian Pimento: Also, Jake, "Following" is Christopher Nolan's first movie. You sound like a grade A[bleep] out here.

Jake: Okay, sir, the kidnapper should be calling with his demands any minute. If we trace his location, we can find your fuzzy boy.
Captain Holt: Not fuzzy. He's fluffy.
Kevin: We don't know what he is anymore. He could be fuzzy, he could be anything. Raymond, he could be scruffy.
Captain Holt: Now you've upset Kevin. I hope you're happy.
Jake: Why would I be happy? I clearly just mixed up fuzzy and fluffy.
Captain Holt: "Just?" You're fired. I want your shield and your piece.
Jake: That seems a little extreme.
Kevin: Jake is right.
Jake: Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin: Just suspend him without pay.

Jake: Okay, I'm approaching the drop site. I don't see anything unusual.
Captain Holt: We have eyes on you. Just be natural.
Jake: Indeed, I will. Oh, look, a yellow crested warbler.
Kevin: Very good.
Jake: [phone ringing] He's calling. Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.
Captain Holt: There isn't time. Just answer.
Jake: Okay. [answers phone] You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner. Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

Charles: Why did you want Cheddar to swallow the gems?
Rosa: Because I needed to delay things. The second part of my plan took place on Valentine's Day, which went perfectly.
Jake: Ah, I wouldn't say perfectly. Scully swallowed the gems.
Rosa: 'Cause I tricked him into it. Wasn't hard. Pretty much used the same Cheddar ham playbook.
[flashback:]
Scully: Table ham. Seven days in a row.
[present:]
Scully: So now I have to think twice before I eat food I find lying around. Thanks a lot.