Jake: It's Thursday so Gina's going to leave early to rehearse with her new dance group, Dancy Reagan, they're the First Ladies of Movement.

Jake: Hey, I'm about to sit down with internal affairs. I figure that I will charm them with a couple of quips about my own internal affairs. Talking about my tum-tum.

Jake: I promise I will be stone-cold serious in my interview. I'll even use my serious face. If you're wondering how I'm pulling this off, I'm thinking about the time when I was eight and Don Mattingly called me a little turd.
Captain Holt: Was he right?
Jake: Yes.

Jake: You know how I'm kind of a sexy bad boy who rides motorcycles into work and is always breaking the rules in the name of justice?
Amy: I don't like where this is going.
Jake: Well, I also maybe sometimes bring home case files to work on them after hours, and I might not be that great about returning them.
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: Are you aroused because of what a bad boy I am?
Amy: No!
Jake: No!

Jake: Can you please give me a ride?
Amy: Fine. I'll get my stuff, but this better not bite me in the ass.
Jake: "Better not bite me in the ass" is the name of your sex tape. But seriously, thank you so much for your help.

Jake: I would give you more details, but someone just came in to try and find her dalmatian coat.
Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.

Gina: It's Gina's phone. Leave me a voice-mail. I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.

Amy: That's a seat warmer.
Jake: Oh, that's even better than rockets. My butt gets very cold.

Charles: Gina and I are casual lovers.
Jake: Urgh.
Amy: Yeuck.
Gina: Eww.

Gina: We hooked up once last summer and then the nightmare started again about a month ago.

Charles: Ever since then it's been orgasm city.
Jake: Urgh.
Amy: Yeuck.
Gina: Eww.

Boyle: Don't be mad, Jake. You still know me. I'm still Charles. I just have four extra sex moves. Five. Forgot about "boy on top."
Jake: Urgh.
Amy: Yeuck.
Gina: Eww.

Scully: Yeah, I hear you. My dog has taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?

Charles: You take care of Amy.
Gina: But how to make it look like an accident?
Charles: I'm not saying murder. Just talk to her like a normal person.
Gina: Right, even better. Get her to tell me all her little secrets, then if she tries anything we can destroy her.

Jake: Kev!
Kevin: Jake, it's after midnight. This had better be about a murder.
Jake: No. I wish.