Jake: Why would I be the mole?
Captain Holt: You were just caught sneaking classified material into the precinct. You spent six months undercover in the mafia and have many criminal contacts. You've been known to flaunt departmental rules and regulations, and you are deeply in debt.
Jake: Well, if you hadn't tricked me into getting car insurance, I wouldn't be in debt.

Amy: Gina, is everything okay? You never text me. Look, the last message I got from you was August 3rd, 2009. You wrote, "Sup, Rosa?" Followed by "Never mind."

Rosa: How'd you get involved in dealing giggle?
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, wait, wait, wait. We gotta back this up. After pre-school, did you go to private or public elementary?
Suspect: Private.
Sergeant Jeffords: When were you potty-trained?

Jake: Because I know these guys. I know everything about them.
Captain Holt: Well, you're a poor police officer if you don't think people can surprise you.
Jake: Not these people. Here, watch this. I know what everyone's gonna do tonight. It's Thursday, so Gina's gonna leave early to rehearse with her new dance group, Dancy Reagan. They're the first ladies of movement. Amy's gonna be going over her weekly budget. And Charles will be attending a "pizza for one" cooking class.
Charles: Tonight's menu: Pepper-alone-I.
Jake: And if I run and leap at Terry, he will most certainly catch me in his arms. Coming in!
Sergeant Jeffords: No! I'm holding coffee!

Jake: Hey there. Jake Peralta.
Lieutenant Miller: I'm sorry, handshakes are the greatest avenues of germ transmission. I generally prefer simple nods.
Jake: Okay.
Lieutenant Miller: Would you, uh, pass me that hand sanitizer, please?
Jake: Yeah.
Lieutenant Miller: No, no, no! Use your elbows. And keep your nostrils closed. Don't breathe on it. [Jake drops it] Forget it, I'll just use a wipe.
Jake: Smort. Get off dem germs.

Madeline Wuntch: Very visual. When, oh when, will you quit police work and pursue your dream of poetry?

Madeline Wuntch: Oh, Raymond. An Internal Affairs investigation? A drug task force that hasn't found any drugs? This precinct's a disaster. Maybe that's why the birds stopped singing. Out of respect for the death of your career. Good-bye, Raymond.

Rosa: The task force has made some busts. But we still haven't found any high-level dealers or major drug stashes.
Sergeant Jeffords: But we will soon.
Captain Holt: Is that a promise? Or just another lollipop that no one's ever gonna lick?

Amy: This is a new car. I won't have you Jake it up with donut powder.

Jake: Wow, there's so many fancy buttons on your steering wheel. It's like a spy car, that's cool. Here, let me call her. Yeah. [deep voice] Car, call Gina Linetti.
Amy: What is that voice?
Jake: It's my spy voice. Car, initiate ghost mode.
Amy: That's a seat warmer.
Jake: Oh, that's even better than rockets. My butt gets very cold.

Jake: We should go there anyways. Her phone's probably off 'cause of dance rehearsal. God, this I.A.B. guy is ruining my life. But I do have some good news in three, two- Pocket donut!
Amy: No! [slaps the donut out of Jake's hand] It's everywhere.
Jake: Backup.

Jake: Wait a minute. You lied to me? There was no "pizza for one" cooking class tonight. You've been lying to me for weeks!
[cut to:]
Charles: Oh, I can't tonight. I'm teaching inner city kids to make candles.
[cut]
Charles: Oh, sorry. I'm going to a prenatal yoga class.
[cut]
Charles: No can do, going to my adult tumbling class.
[present:]
Charles: Yes, Jake, those were lies. But the way you looked at me when you thought I was a gymnast made me wish it were true.
Jake: You came into work with chalk on your hands, Boyle.

Kevin: Raymond, your work life is here. [to Jake] Please, come in. Take off your shoes.
Jake: Neither of us want that.

Jake: All right, let's go through the squad one by one.
Captain Holt: Rosa's very secretive. I don't know anything about her personal life. Charles has expensive tastes. Gina has said many times that she would sell us all out for five minutes with Blake Griffin.
Jake: Let's see, Terry wants to send his twins to private school. But on his salary, that's difficult.
Captain Holt: Mm.
Jake: Plus with twins, one of them's always evil, so... It's Cagney.

Jake: What else, what else, what else? Wait a minute. One time, I saw Rosa eating watermelon. But then, when I asked her about it, she said she'd never eaten that or any other kind of melon. Now that I say it out loud, it doesn't seem like much.
Captain Holt: No. Put it on the board!