Sergeant Jeffords: It's just that the squad feels we've been taking advantage of you, and it has to stop. So I returned my yogurt fridge.
Charles: I gave my treadmill desk back.
Rosa: I took down my desk walls.
Gina: And I have agreed to fire my assistant's assistant Dana.
Amy: Dana? Who's Dana?
Gina: Emily had a lot on her plate.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Good talk. My door's always open, except when it's closed. But you can open it when it's closed.

Jake: I can't believe we're fugitives on the lam, falsely accused of a crime.
Captain Holt: There's nothing false about it. We committed several felonies and escaped from jail.
Jake: Yeah, but we were just doing what we had to do. We're the good guys. [gasps] This is what they all think.

Jake: Figgis is in town, and we have no car, no money, no guns; we can't go back to our houses because the police are looking for us. It's time to call the Nine-Nine.
Captain Holt: Absolutely not.
Jake: What is going on with you
Captain Holt: Nothing, I just think that we can do it alone.
Jake: Sir, we just shared one of the longest kisses of my life. I think we can be honest with each other.
Captain Holt: All right. The Nine-Nine bailed me out once before when I was taken hostage by Bob, a man I had put my trust in, like a fool. I don't want them to rescue me again. It's embarrassing. I need to clean up my own mess.

Jake: Captain, it's the Nine-Nine. There's nothing wrong with asking for help from people that care about you.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain Stentley. There's an urgent situation, and we need 72 hours off to go to Florida. Now, I can't explain why-
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Absolutely not.
Amy: What?
Sergeant Jeffords: The Eight-Six said they would cover for us, and this very important!
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: That's enough. Someone once told me that being a captain means telling people no. Oh, wait. That was you guys. You guys told me that. Anyway, you're right. You can't go.
Amy: Sorry, guys. I kinda feel like this is my fault.
Emily: I kinda feel like this is my fault.
Gina: Not now, Emily.

Captain Holt: Oh, now, Stella, you know I'm still getting over the tragic loss of my wife. She was such a strong, female woman with nice, heavy breasts.

Captain Holt: Hey, Larry.
Jake: Oh, hey Greb.
Captain Holt: Greg.
Jake: Ah, that was it. I'm not sure why I have so much trouble remembering probably 'cause our relationship is so casual.

Captain Holt: Uh, do a lap without me. I need to talk to Larry about an issue with our shared fence. Larry, I need to talk to you about an issue with our shared fence.
Jake: Yes, I also need to discuss this shared fence issue with you.

Jake: Okay, fine, I may have had a teensy bit of trouble adjusting when we first got here for, like, six teensy, little months, but I took your advice, and I got a job.
Captain Holt: Doing what?
Jake: I sell ATVs now, eh? Well, the truth is, these little babies sell themselves. They're super fun, and they're a lot safer than you might think if you're standing next to one. If you're driving it, it's actually much more dangerous than you could possibly imagine.

Captain Holt: Well, a job is good. I know being stuck down here in Florida isn't ideal, but we need to make the best of it. In fact, I'm applying for a promotion at my new job.
Jake: Ah, very noice.
Captain Holt: And if all goes well, tonight you might be neighbors with Greg Stickney, Assistant Manager.
Jake: Very double noice.

Captain Holt: Good morning, Carly, Tanny. Looks like you're keeping the machines running smoothly.
Carly: Whatever.
Captain Holt: Carly will be the first to go.

Captain Holt: Excuse me, sir, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Taylor: Uh, one second. I'm busy. [buzzer] Oh, at the buzzer! Suck it, Chase, you dirty, little hippy.
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, well, um, as you know, I've been here for four months, and I think I'm a model employee.
Taylor: Oh, no doubt. No doubt. You had the idea to install sinks in the bathrooms. I love that.
Captain Holt: Yes, what I'm getting at is, I'd like to be assistant manager.
Taylor: [scoffs] You serious? Oh, I just never expected you to be interested in management. I mean, you don't seem like the type of person who's really interested in leadership roles.
Captain Holt: Really? Anyone who knows me would say the opposite. I'm very hard-working.
Taylor: Yeah, when you're not totally blazed.
Captain Holt: I assure you that's not me.
Taylor: Okay, tell that to the Count Blunt-ula T-shirt that you were rocking last week.
Captain Holt: It was the only thing in lost and found. A child and his father threw up on me.
Taylor: Okay, I'll think about it. Management! Full of surprises, Greg.

Captain Holt: Marshal Haas.
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Greg.
[Jake arrives on his ATV, his engine revving]
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Larry.
Jake: I can't hear you. Can you hear me?
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: I cannot hear you.
Captain Holt: What did you say? We can't hear you.
Jake: I can't hear you; I think my engine's too loud.
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: It's your engine. Turn off your engine.
Jake: I don't know how to turn off the engine. We should talk in your car.
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Let's all talk in my car.
Captain Holt: Let's talk in the marshall's car.
Jake: I think we should talk in her-

U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Pop quiz. Greg, where did you go to college?
Captain Holt: Ohio State, where I majored in ... communications.