Amy: How are you so calm right now? Someone is trying to blow us up.
Jake: I'm calm because there's not really a bomb. I mean, if you're trying to kill someone, you don't call and give them a heads-up.
Amy: So they're just trying to scare us?
Jake: Yeah, but it doesn't matter. The bomb squad's on their way. They'll do a quick sweep, find nothing and split, and this will just become a funny story we work into our vows. "Amy, there was a bomb at this wedding. Ya butt. Ya butt is da bomb."
Amy: Please don't say that during the ceremony.
Jake: Is it that you don't like wordplay or you don't want me to talk about your butt at all? Because one of those notes is really gonna pull a thread.

Amy: Who would do something like this?
Jake: Well, I clearly have an arch-nemesis. Finally. Must be someone I put away who's hell-bent on revenge. He's probably gonna make me choose between saving the city and saving the woman I love. Little does he know, I can save both.

Sergeant Jeffords: Rosa! What the hell are you doing?
Rosa: What? You were the one that said-
Sergeant Jeffords: That was before the veil went missing, when life was breezy!

Captain Holt: Where is he? Cheddar? Cheddar! Cheddar the dog!
Gina: Oh, he ate the cake.
Captain Holt: Oh, Cheddar, you furry little pig.

Charles: So here it is. I really hope you like it. But if you don't, I will kill myself.

Amy: Are you actually mad that someone might not hate you?
Jake: Yeah, I am, Amy! Oh, wow, that's a bad color on me, isn't it?

Amy: How did this guy even find out about the wedding? The stupid engagement announcement Charles put in the paper! It had the time and location of the ceremony.
Charles: Amy, be very careful about throwing around accusations like that, because if you're trying to say I somehow ruined Jake's wedding, then I'm gonna kill myself! So tread lightly.

Sergeant Jeffords: All right, she should be here any minute. Her name is Alicia.
Switch with me. That's your good side.
Rosa: I have a bad side?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, damn, you didn't know?

Jake: Okay, now for the ring bearer situation. This actually might be a blessing in disguise. I know that he's your nephew, but I wasn't super jazzed about Mason.
Amy: Yeah, he should be cuter.
Jake: His face is too small for his head. He's a "Dick Tracy" villain.

Captain Holt: Congratulations once again to Jake and Amy. And now that everyone's here, I have an email that I need to open.
Jake: All right, weirdo, not something we usually announce to the squad.
Gina: It says if he got the commissioner job.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God! What?
Gina: He was too scared to read it all day.
Captain Holt: I was, until I heard something very wise tonight. Life is unpredictable. Not everything is in our control. But as long as we're with the right people, we can handle anything. So I'd like to receive this news with all of you.
Amy: He quoted me.
Captain Holt: Okay, here we go. Well, from the look on my face, I'm sure you can guess what it says.
Jake: No! We have no idea at all. Just tell us, you monster!

Amy: Jake.
Jake: Ames, you look beautiful. But when are you getting your makeup put on? Y'all, she woke up like this.

Charles: Okay, Gillespie's apartment's right over here.
Jake: Oh, this is exciting. We're gonna catch my arch-nemesis. Do you think he has a shrine of photos of me with the eyes scratched out?
Charles: Let's not rule out the very real possibility that it's entirely sexual.
Jake: Oh, man, that would be super upsetting and so cool.
Charles: I know.

Jake: I can't believe this is a rec center. It looks amazing.
Charles: You look amazing. Foxy as hell.
Sergeant Jeffords: Simmer down, Boyle.
Jake: No, no, I love it. Amp it up, Boyle.
Charles: Happy to. Jake, your body's kicking and skin is clear as a summer day.
Jake: Ooh!

Amy: Hey, do you remember Dario Moretti, that money launderer I arrested? He lives right around here too.
Jake: So?
Amy: He hated me. What if this is the work of my arch-nemesis and not yours?
Jake: So you're suggesting I'm not involved in this at all? I mean, you hear yourself, right? That's a bit of a stretch.

Captain Holt: Oh, my.
Gina: What?
Captain Holt: I just got an email from the mayor's office telling me if I'm the next commissioner of the NYPD.
Gina: Well, well, well, finally something to care about today.