Caleb: Are you okay?
Jake: Yeah. What hurts the most is knowing that prisoners are treated this way every day in our penal system. Also, he kicked me in the wiener a bunch.

Warden: I heard an inmate and a guard were having a fight. So I go to do what I normally do: turn off the security cameras.
Jake: Yup, cool policy. This place is great.

Romero: How are you gonna do it? Shiv him, shank him, stab him?
Jake: Are those different?

Jake: I can't believe I went 0 for 16. I got rejected by my safety gang. I'm gonna die in here.

Caleb: Well, there is one more option, but it's a long shot. Remember that guy Romero who you got the cell phone from? If you got in good with his crew, nobody would dare touch you. But he is real scary and crazy.
Jake: Okay, and how anti-Semitic is he?
Caleb: Average?
Jake: Then let's give it a shot!

Romero: I need you to kill a guard.
Jake: Oh okay. Great. Cool-cool-cool-cool, cool-cool-cool. Beef Baby's out for blood.

Romero: Okay, this guard you gotta kill, Wilson-
Jake: Oh, I'd rather not know his name.
Romero: It's Alan Wilson. He's got a three-year-old, Dexter. They call him Dex.
Jake: Cool. I'm not worried at all about little Dex. I'm sure he'll be fine. I mean, I grew up without a dad.
Romero: Yeah? Me too.
Prisoner: So did I.
Jake: See? And we're all doing great.

Jake: And by the way, as someone who's eaten a lot of ramen in his life, here's a tip: leave a few noodles uncooked and then sprinkle them on top afterwards like a garnish. Gives you an extra little fun bonus crunch.

Jake: Gen pop? But my tough prison beard hasn't fully grown in yet. Just give me six or seven more years.

Jake: I can't believe we're going to gen pop. A cop and a cannibal? Everybody's gonna be trying to kill us.
Caleb: I know. What are we gonna do?
Jake: You're a psychopath. You can protect us in there, right? I mean, you killed and ate a bunch of people.
Caleb: They were children, Jake. Weak little children. One conk on the head was all it took.
Jake: Damn it. I can't believe I'm friends with a cowardly cannibal.

Rosa: Oh, were you able to send that email to Adrian?
Captain Holt: Oh, yes, he wrote back right away. It wasn't as graphic as I feared. He wrote the number eight, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, capital D. Oh! I see what this is. This is a-
Rosa: Yup.

Caleb: Ugh, cream turkey. You know, what I could really go for is-
Jake: People potpie?
Caleb: First of all, Jake, great alliteration. Second of all, just because I was arrested for cannibalism doesn't mean that all I like to eat is people. I was gonna say "a chicken burrito." Man, my cousin was so tasty.
Jake: Oh, come on.

Caleb: Look, if you really wanna talk to people on the outside, just get a cell phone.
Jake: Yeah, that'd be great, but it's illegal, right?
Caleb: There's this guy in gen pop, Romero. He can smuggle anything into this place: phones, drugs, big bag of hair.
Jake: Why would you want that? You know what? Don't tell me. The less I know about you, the better. Okay, let's find this Romero guy.
Caleb: Right now? I really wanna chomp down on this meat.
Jake: Caleb!

Jake: I hear you're the man to talk to about getting a cell phone.
Romero: I am. But it'll cost you. Phone's 100.
Jake: $100? That's no problem.
Romero: I got no use for cash. I want 100 soups.
Jake: Soups?
Caleb: Yeah, ramen. They're like a major currency in here.
Jake: Really? That is very surprising.
Caleb: You can't smoke anymore, so ramen has replaced cigarettes. NPR did a big thing on it.

Jake: I thought they sold ramen at the prison commissary.
Romero: I don't want commissary soups, you stupid little bitch boy.
Jake: Okay, that's fair. I deserve that.
Romero: I want flavors you can only get on the outside Chili-lime shrimp, southwestern chicken. Street flavors.
Caleb: Picante beef.
Romero: Oh, that's my favorite. Get me picante beef, bitch boy.
Jake: Okay, so I just get some ramen and then I get a cell phone. Prison is easy.