Captain Holt: Now I believe you've prepared your own vows?
Jake: Yes, I was going to do an "Addams Family" themed rap, but my beat-boxer isn't here. That's the only reason it's not happening. So, Ames, today has been a crazy day. But I shouldn't be surprised, because we've had a lot of crazy days. There was our first date, our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, and the day you told me you would marry me. Also, yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, because every single day that I get to be with someone as amazing as you is crazy to me. I love you. And I'm worried about dancing in front of our friends. The end.

Charles: What is all this?
Amy: You know how I think Halloween is for jerks? Well, this Halloween, I was the jerk. I'm sorry about tonight.
Jake: "I'm sorry about tonight." We found the title for Santiago's follow-up sex tape!

Jake: Medical examiner, jackpot. The gym is full of bodies.
Captain Holt: No, Department of Health.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: There's been an outbreak of the mumps.
Jake: Mumps, that's a funny word.
Captain Holt: It's actually a very serious and highly contagious infectious disease.
Jake: Yeah, but we're fine. We were only in contact with that guy for a couple of seconds. Plus, he didn't even lick any of our eyeballs.

Jake: Okay, slayer. Prepare to go to jail for oolong time.
Captain Holt: Now say "punk."
Jake: Punk.
Captain Holt: Punk!
Jake: I said it.

Jake: I am straight-up depressed. Amy's been doing her best to cheer me up. She gave me this sticker this morning just for waking up.
Gina: Ew, it's like you're dating your teacher.
Jake: I know, it's so hot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. You can work the case from right here, but you are tied to your desk.
Jake: Tied to my desk? Mr. Grey will see you now, Sarge.

Jake: I can't believe you live nearby, and you won't let anyone crash at your place.
Rosa: You people already know too much about me.
Jake: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won't let any of us crash at your place.

Jake: Look, no one gave me the idea. I decided to ask Amy to marry me all on my own on April 28th.
[flashback:]
Amy: [GASPS] There's a typo in this crossword puzzle.

Jake: And Coho salmon? Well, that's just something I know about from being a man of the world.
-cut to Jake and Boyle at a restaurant-
Waiter: Our special today is Coho salmon on a-
Jake: Sounds disgusting. Do you have chicken fingers?
-cut back to Jake and Amy at the funeral-
Jake: Impressed?
Amy: Mm-hmm. And horrified by your eating habits.
Jake: Well, if I'm so unhealthy, how come I never go to the bathroom?

Jake: The only way we're gonna win is if we team up.
Amy: Good point. I guess my response is ... rot in hell, crap-face! [GASPS] Also, I love you, and I treasure you, and ya bore me.
Jake: God, you're being so mean. Do it more.

Jake: Captain, you're smiling. It's very weird. Like seeing a turtle out of its shell.

Jake: Terry Jeffords is back. Chest bump me.
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't want to do this, man.
Jake: No, I really do.
Sergeant Jeffords: It hurts you every time.
Jake: No, I know, but I'm fired up and the adrenaline is going to carry me through.

Jake: From this point on, I'll do every part of the job perfectly. Perfecter than perfectly.
Captain Holt: It's more perfect. You said that imperfectly.
Jake: I was testing you. You did perfectly.

Jake: Die Hard is the best cop movie of all time. One cop heroically saving the day while every one else stands around and watches. It's the story of my life.

Jake: Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping we could work the case together.
Captain Holt: Oh, are you two no longer-
Jake: Smooshing booties?
Captain Holt: Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence.
Jake: Figured.