Rosa: Well, you can stay as long as you like. You're quiet, you're neat. You're the perfect roommate.
Captain Holt: I think Kevin would disagree. He told Dr. Cheryl I'm a sore loser at Scrabble. How would he know that when I win 78% of our matches?
Rosa: Wow, you're a lot chattier than I remember you being.
Captain Holt: Oh, sorry. I promise... I won't obsess about Kevin the whole time I'm here.
Rosa: Okay. Great.
Captain Holt: Although I may break that promise, because according to Kevin, I'm a liar.

Captain Holt: The lab faked the blood results. None of the officers are actually sick, which means they have no excuse to miss work.
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, unfortunately, that is...
Captain Holt: Stop. I know you're gonna twist my words into some vicious attack on you and the NYPD. So, before you do that, I'd like the pleasure of making the vicious attack myself.
Jake: Sir, your insults are kind of known to be little too think-y, maybe you should just let...
Captain Holt: O'Sullivan, you are a [bleep], and I hope your [bleep] get shoved right into your [bleep].
Jake: Wow. Well, that was definitely not too think-y.

Captain Holt: I'm a realist. I knew I wouldn't be able to fix every problem, though I always imagined I could fix some of them. But as a realist, I can now see I haven't fixed a damn thing. The NYPD will never change.
Charles: Sir, if I may... when I thought I was dying, all I could think about was what a disappointment my life had been. But then Jake went to town with me.
Jake: Common friendship phrase.
Charles: And it helped me realize you can't focus on the things you didn't do. Focus on what you did do. And, more importantly, focus on who you did it with.
Captain Holt: Boyle, you're absolutely right.
Charles: I am? My speech turned your life around?
Captain Holt: No, I found it trite and uninspiring, but something you said resonated. Focus on the things you didn't do.
Charles: I said not to focus on the things you didn't do.
Captain Holt: Again, your speech meant nothing. I'm just picking out individual words.
Charles: Sure, sure, yeah. [snaps fingers] Hot damn. I know how to end the Blue Flu. I found a fifth prong.

Jake: Hey there, sir. You missed the morning briefing. And I see you found Charles's cheese.
Captain Holt: Mmm, it pairs well with despair and also this 1976 Chateau Haut-Brion.
Sergeant Jeffords: Doesn't seem like the kind of bottle you're supposed to chug.
Captain Holt: I bought it the day I joined the force with the intent to open it when I became commissioner.
Scully: Oh, my gosh, this is big news. Congratulations, sir.
Amy: No, he's not becoming commissioner, Scully.

Frank O'Sullivan: So I gather you're ready to cave to my demands.
Captain Holt: Why would I do that?
Frank O'Sullivan: Give me a break. Your arrests are way down, and your CompStat numbers are terrible.
Captain Holt: I think those numbers look great.
Frank O'Sullivan: No, you don't.
Captain Holt: Well, not those numbers. Obviously, they make it look like we haven't done much at all this week. But a friend of mine told me something unintentionally interesting... focus on what you didn't do. So here's what we didn't do this week. With fewer officers at our disposal and none of them trying to hit CompStat numbers, we made fewer bad arrests. Number of complaints against officers, down 32%. Number of cases thrown out at arraignment for insufficient evidence, down 34%. And here's the most important thing we didn't do. We didn't make the community less safe. Rates of major and violent crime, what actually matters, stayed the same.
Frank O'Sullivan: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying the Nine-Nine just became a case study for how a police force can work better with fewer police.
Frank O'Sullivan: Are you actually talking about laying off cops?
Captain Holt: If these numbers persist, I may have no choice.
Frank O'Sullivan: Then I'll just end the Blue Flu.
Captain Holt: Great. That's what I want.
Frank O'Sullivan: Then I won't end the Blue Flu.
Captain Holt: Great. Fewer cops. That's what I want.
Frank O'Sullivan: You just said that... This is a very frustrating conversation.

Frank O'Sullivan: Okay, okay, okay. You got me. The men didn't have mono. They weren't sick.
Captain Holt: Damn right.
Frank O'Sullivan: But they are now.
Captain Holt: What?
Frank O'Sullivan: It seems they had a meeting, and somebody showed up with a very bad stomach bug and gave it to everyone there. I believe the officer's name was a, uh, Lieutenant Jeffords.
Captain Holt: The petard. It just won't stop hoisting.

Captain Holt: As for prong four, Jeffords is recording the officers' secret meeting as we speak. And I expect he'll be bursting into my office any minute with the proof we need to end the Blue Flu.
[later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I got the proof we need to end the Blue Flu.
Captain Holt: Wait, really?
Sergeant Jeffords: Why so surprised? That was the plan.
Captain Holt: Yes, but earlier, I was talking to the squad, and I put a lot of pressure on this moment, which I then regretted. I feared I might be hoist on my own petard.
Sergeant Jeffords: No petard hoisting here. They talked about everything in front of me... How they planned the whole thing, how long they were gonna pretend to be sick.
Captain Holt: And you recorded it all, despite your own illness. I must say, I'm impressed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Because of how tough I am, right?
Captain Holt: The toughest.
Frank O'Sullivan: [on tape] Okay, first things first. We got to get... [stomach gurgling]
Captain Holt: What... what is that?
Sergeant Jeffords: I had the mic close to my chest. So I guess it must have picked up my stomach noises, but I'm sure it stops eventually. [stomach gurgling on tape] More stomach. More stomach. It's all stomach.
Captain Holt: And there it is... the petard.

Captain Holt: Okay, O'Sullivan, there's McCaffery coming out of Perdue Pet Supplies with the mouse that he put in the burrito. So there's no need for tactical gear or a Never Forget Burrito ribbon or any of that. You need to call off the Blue Flu.
Frank O'Sullivan: Are you crazy? My guys are under attack.
Captain Holt: No, I just proved that it wasn't an attack. He faked it.
Frank O'Sullivan: Not that attack, this attack... The one where you call a policeman a liar.
Captain Holt: He is a liar.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, dear, my God. You just did it again. Do you understand the worst thing you could do to another person is to call that person a liar? You hate cops. That's a fact.
Captain Holt: I-I-I just thought the Blue Flu was about a mouse in a burrito.
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, it was, but now it's about you saying it wasn't.
Captain Holt: Well, that doesn't make any sense.
Frank O'Sullivan: So you're calling me stupid?
Captain Holt: That's not what I said!
Frank O'Sullivan: You're calling me a liar?
Captain Holt: I just don't know how to talk to someone like you.
Frank O'Sullivan: Someone like me? Wow. That's racist.
Captain Holt: Oh, this is a very frustrating conversation.

Captain Holt: Diaz, why the hush-hush meeting?
Rosa: Because in one minute, you're gonna be showing me your tramp stamp.
Captain Holt: I don't have a tramp stamp.
Rosa: Prove it. Show me your lower back.
Captain Holt: Hmm. Seems I didn't know what a tramp stamp was. But I'm not gonna show you anything until you've solved the case.
Rosa: Surveillance footage of McCaffery entering a pet store and buying a mouse an hour before he found it in his burrito.
Captain Holt: He set the whole thing up. Diaz, you did it.
Rosa: And now... my payment.

Captain Holt: Oh, looks like we're adding a prong. Operation Trident is now Operation Fork.
Sergeant Jeffords: Isn't there a cooler word than "fork"? I mean, something more like "trident."
Captain Holt: Oh, no, did everyone assume I was trying to be cool? Is that why things are going so poorly? Damn it, I've got to call Peralta.

Captain Holt: The union can't be reasoned with. I need an update. Prong one.
Jake: More broken than ever.
Captain Holt: Ah, well, I never had any faith in you anyway.

Captain Holt: Here's where we stand. The Blue Flu continues. O'Sullivan and the union won't budge on their mouse-burrito demands. Also, arrests are down. Santiago, Jeffords, what on earth happened yesterday?
Amy: The new detectives won't do anything I ask. And I've had to work solo.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry. I was feeling a little sick, but I am much better now.
Captain Holt: You look like garbage. Now, I know you're trying to tough this out, but I've always believed that true toughness means acknowledging your own limitations. It's okay, Terry. Go home.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you, sir. I'll be back in a jiffy. [stomach gurgles] [exits]
Captain Holt: I can't believe he bought that drivel. True toughness means working through pain. Everyone knows that.

Captain Holt: Ah, there she is. My sweet secret prong three.
Rosa: What the hell?
Captain Holt: Oh, right. You weren't there when I explained Operation Trident.

Captain Holt: No, like the famed weapon of the sea, forged by the Cyclops for Poseidon himself. The trident has three prongs, like my approach.
Jake: Ah, not to interrupt, but Aquaman's trident has five prongs.
Captain Holt: That's absurd. The prefix tri means three. What this aquatic-man carries is better termed a "pentadent."
Jake: No, it's a trident. They call it that in the original theatrical release and the Snyder cut. So you're 100% wrong, and everyone's laughing at you.
Captain Holt: Well, regardless, Operation Trident has three prongs. Prong one, Boyle and Peralta.
Jake: Oh, nice, the most important prong.
Charles: Mm-hmm.
Captain Holt: Wrong. Prong two, the center prong, is the most important prong on a trident. It's the longest and straightest and breaks the least often.
Jake: Are you just mad because I questioned you about the Aquaman thing?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Captain Holt: I won't give in to any of their demands. The union is powerful, but I'm sure that most of our uniformed officers understand this incident is nonsense. It is, as Peralta would say, "No big 'whoop.'"
Jake: I appreciate the shout-out, sir, but I actually don't pronounce the H in whoop.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, all the uniformed officers just left. They're staging a walkout.
Charles: Well, it seems I was wrong. The "whoop" is big after all.
Jake: It is. Again, though, there's no H in whoop. It's silent.
Captain Holt: "Whoop."
Jake: Whoop.
Captain Holt: "Whoop."
Jake: Am I crazy? How do you say it?
Charles: I say "whoop."
Jake: Okay.