Jake: And you'll be happy to know that he punched me in the face several times.
Captain Holt: That does make me happy.
Jake: Guess we're being candid today.

Captain Holt: You're all hiding from Boyle!
Hitchock: Not me, Captain. I was napping.
Captain Holt: That's worse!

Captain Holt: Boyle, where is everyone?
Charles: Hiding from me in the evidence room. They think I don't know, but Gina's been live tweeting the whole thing.
Captain Holt: She live tweets everything. Ruined Downton Abbey for me.

Captain Holt: How many cars would you say this Pontiac Bandit has stolen?
Jake: 230 that I know of, but the real number could be in the millions.
Captain Holt: You're not very good at math.

Captain Holt: Nice work, Jeffords. Nice work, Peralta.
Jake: Captain, you're doing it. You're emoting.

Captain Holt: Is this about your toast?
Amy: How'd you get that?
Captain Holt: Gina gave it to me. Very well written. There are several compelling anecdotes, the fonts suit the tone. Good work. I did feel, however, the word choice could have been improved in spots. I marked them "awk" for awkward.

Sergeant Jeffords: He makes me feel so small!
Captain Holt: Well, who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant! You're a grown man!
Now take your nap. And if I see the lights on in here, I'm going to be very disappointed in you.

Jake: Will you at least tell Hitchcock to go home? His mouth smells like rotten trout milk.
Captain Holt: Is there such a thing?
Jake: I'm just telling you what it smells like.
Captain Holt: Get out.

Captain Holt: I threw away the photo because I think it's ostentatious to hang pictures of yourself, especially when you haven't earned a place on the wall.
Amy: Oh.
Captain Holt: But you would have me hang a Baroque oil painting of myself like I'm a North Korean dictator. What, no ornate gold frame? Why am I not astride my noble steed, clad in armor?
Amy: We could add a horse.

Jake: Oh, come on, really? I'm a few minutes late so you're going to call me out in front of everyone?
Captain Holt: Good idea. Everyone? Gather around. So I can call out Peralta in front of you.

Captain Holt: I'm happy. Our drugs task force was a success and today I get to watch my nemesis, Madeline Wuntch, drape a medal around my neck.
Rosa: Also we cleaned up the streets.
Captain Holt: Yeah, that's good too.

Captain Holt: Wuntchtime is over. Boom! Did it. Had it both ways. No regrets.

Amy: Ooh, more work! I know that sounded sarcastic-
Sergeant Jeffords: Nobody thought that.
Captain Holt: Not for a moment.

Amy: Nog! Nog! A little Christmas humor.
Captain Holt: Yes, the Nog from Egg-Nog used in place of knock.

Captain Holt: Attention everybody, holidays of many cultures approach. This truly is a joyful time. Join me for a festive Winter party at Shaw's Bar this Friday, 7-9. Any questions
Scully: AM or PM?
Captain Holt: I'm gonna let you figure that one out.