Captain Holt: Santiago, I've been your CO for four years. By now, you should be able to stand up for yourself, even if that means telling me off.
Amy: You're right. Just say the word, and I will tell you off.
Captain Holt: Okay, tell me off about losing your pen.
Amy: Oh. Right now? Okay, well, it makes me feel pretty annoyed.
Captain Holt: Good. Go on.
Amy: It grates my cheese. I mean, it just really grates my cheese. Grr!
Captain Holt: Oh, Santiago, you're faking.
Amy: Faking? What? Uh, did you hear that "grr"?
Captain Holt: Just admit it.
Amy: Okay, fine, I was faking the whole time, but I only did it because I wanted you to enjoy it.
Captain Holt: That ruins it. I mean, it's supposed to be good for both of us.
Amy: It was good. Just because I didn't get angry doesn't mean I didn't get anything out of it.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but the whole point is for you to get angry. Did you even get close?
Amy: Uh-
Captain Holt: What about your last CO? Could he make you angry?
Amy: Well-
Captain Holt: You know what? I don't wanna know. Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we wanted Jake to take the crown?
Captain Holt: Sergeant, are you familiar with the Hungarian fencing term, Hossz Gorcs?
Sergeant Jeffords: You must realize my answer is no.

Gordon Lundt: The plan was for me to weaken your defenses with my brazen sexuality.
Jake: I wouldn't say "brazen" so much as "completely undetectable."
Gordon Lundt: I couldn't have been more obvious. I wore a single Windsor knot. I might as well have a sign around my neck that reads "DTF."
Captain Holt: "Desiring Thorough Fornication."
Jake: Nope.
Gordon Lundt: Exactly.
Jake: Oh.

Captain Holt: Cheddar? Cheddar? Shake. Ah, good grip, pristine coat. That's my doggie! You betrayed me. You'll explain yourself later. Return to my office.

Jake: Look, I'm ready. I'm the same old Jake.
Captain Holt: I don't know why you have an issue with this. Rosa was happy to comply.
Jake: So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything that Rosa does? I mean, what if she jumped off a cliff?
Captain Holt: If Rosa were to jump off a cliff, she would've done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Rosa jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Jake: You jump off a cliff.
Captain Holt: Gladly. Provided Rosa did first.

Jake: Oh, my God. Did you blow up the Creeper?
Captain Holt: Not on purpose. Once I realized your revolting cheese puffs were made with some extremely unstable chemicals, I deposited a few in the gas tank.
I thought they'd shut the engine down. I didn't realize they'd ignite it. You really shouldn't eat those, Peralta.

Captain Holt: Until this morning, some part of me still believed I would be captain of the Nine-Nine again. What a fool I was. I should never have returned. It's like visiting your childhood home and seeing it's been replaced by a denim pants store.

Captain Holt: Santiago, shall we join forces?
Amy: Ooh, smart, teaming up with the reigning champ.
Captain Holt: Again with this nonsense? I'm the reigning champ. The only thing you won last heist was a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake.
Amy: [GASPS] How dare you. No one thinks you won last year.

Jake: Can't sleep either, huh? This cow screaming is so loud.
Captain Holt: So loud.
Jake: Is it a pleasure sound or pain? Maybe they're into both?
Captain Holt: I hear they're into leather.
Jake: Was that a joke?
Captain Holt: Gallows humor. Being in this bovine brothel is truly a nightmare.

Olivia Crawford: Half of the committee supports John Kelly, and the other half is divided between the two of us.
Captain Holt: We're splitting the vote.
Olivia Crawford: So for either of us to have a chance, one of us needs to step aside.
Captain Holt: Exactly.
Olivia Crawford: You should drop out.
Captain Holt: Is what you said to yourself in the mirror this morning instead of checking your eye for goop. And I agree. You should drop out.
Olivia Crawford: Is what you said to yourself in the mirror this morning while polishing your head.

Captain Holt: I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.

Captain Holt: We just made John Kelly commissioner.
Gina: Not if we get those letters back before anyone reads them.
Olivia Crawford: Are you too old to run?
Captain Holt: Are you too inexperienced to know that power-walking is a far more efficient and sustainable method of hurrying? Burn.

Captain Holt: My wife was murdered by a man in a yellow sweater!
It's the one case I can't solve.
Don't fight with family.
It can all go away so quickly.
Sign this?

Captain Holt: Ouch. He ran over my foot. I am in incredible pain.

Captain Holt: Now, funeral assignments. Gina and I will greet people, shaking hands and checking for the tell-tale scar.
Sergeant Jeffords: Excuse me, sir. Are you sure you want to be on the receiving line? You hate small talk.
Captain Holt: No, I can turn it on when it's called for. "The Bachelor" is a television show, hmm? Andre Agassi's at it again. I, too, avoid gluten.