Jake: We can't let that happen. Sir, we have to do something.
Charles: Fine, I'll seduce her. I'll just put on my bike shorts and give her a glimpse of the quad cities.

Jake: Yeah, man, we always love your costumes. Remember last year, when you came as that person and/or thing?
Charles: Yes, I do remember!

Lieutenant Singh: I love the way your butt looks today.
Charles: I've been doing lunges in the shower.
Rosa: Well, this got upsetting real quick.
Gina: I wanna live in this moment forever.

Charles: Anyway, Ms. Cortez, your vagina looks great. Mazel.

Moira: So you're Dr. Schwartz.
Charles: That's me. L'chaim. How can I help you?
Moira: I've been watching you ever since you showed up here. You don't seem like the other doctors that we've had.
Charles: It's funny my best friend, Yacob, is always saying that.

Charles: Mmm, texting. That's the most intimate thing you can do to a lover with your fingers. Other than washing their hair.

Jake: Getting in a little late there, Boyle. Where ya' been?
Charles: Cursing out my own shadow for hanging out with a loser like me. Also, an eye doctor appointment.

Charles: I wish I didn't have a heart.
I'm off to the cheese shop.
And I'm buying by the wheel.
The cheese wheel.
Jake: Yeah, I got it.

Charles: If I was a unicorn, I'd never be angry.

Charles: Bye-bye "Toxic". Bye-bye "Party in the USA".
Amy: Hey, Charles. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm deleting all the upbeat music off my computer.
Amy: I know you're down, but-
Charles: Bye-bye "Swish Swish Bish".

Jake: You know, you've been acting weird about Stevie all day. I think you might be jealous.
Charles: Of course I'm jealous. I was never hiding that.
Jake: How?
Charles: He's tall. He's funny. He can pull off an earring.
Jake: He doesn't have an earring.
Charles: But we both know he'd look good with one.

Charles: What is happening right now?!
Jake: They caught Hawkins trying to flee the country. She confessed to everything, and they let me out.
Amy: Oh, my God, Jake, is it really you? Are you really here?
Jake: You know it, baby. But first I gotta hug my best friend.
Charles: Yeah.
Amy: What?

Jake: If you want to worry about anyone panicking in the field, it'd be Boyle.
Charles: Damn straight.
Wait, why did I high five that?
Jake: Because you're a sucker for a high five.
Charles: Damn straight I am.

Charles: But I'm the only one who got slapped in the face.

Amy: Excuse me. Two more sundaes.
Stewardess: Oh, we've already begun our descent, so we've suspended our food services.
Charles: Oh, I'm sorry. Are we still in coach? Or are we in first class where the rules don't apply?