Nikolaj: Hi, Jake. It's me, Nikolaj.
Jake: Hey, bud. What are you doing here? It's Thursday. Shouldn't you be at tailoring class?
Nikolaj: I want to say thank you. Dad said that you were giving us tickets to the "Kwazy Kupcakes" movie.
Jake: Oh, he did, did he? Excuse me one second. [covers Nikolaj's ears] Of all the twisted moves!
Charles: Don't hate the player. Go ahead. Tell Niko he's not going. I dare you.

Charles: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Just so you know, I would never bend your money.
Jake: Yeah, 'cause you can't.
Charles: Correct, I cannot.
Jake: No one can. How did he do that?

Charles: Well, this checkbook is only on 304, so I can write checks all day long.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you know what? Here's my watch.
Charles: Yeah, melt this down.

Jake: Charles, why did you let Terry choose boxing?
Charles: He didn't. I picked it.
Jake: But you'll die.
Charles: Don't worry about it. Boxing's in my blood. My Nana Boyle boxed in the Navy.
Jake: I'm sure she did but... and hear me out... what if you're not as strong as your Nana Boyle?
Charles: I can handle myself. She taught me her signature punch; the Strawberry Basket.
Jake: That does not reassure me.

Jake: Hey there, big guy. You sure you're feeling okay about ending Charles' life?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yep, my girls are gonna see this movie.
Jake: Right, well, before you commit manslaughter, I do feel compelled to tell you that the movie only has a 38 on Rotten Tomatoes.
Scully: Jake, stop yapping and let them fight.
Hitchcock: I wanna see the big guy pop the little guy's head off.
Charles: Yeah, let's start the fight! I wanna pop that little guy's head off!
Jake: You're clearly the little guy.
Charles: [laughs] Good one, Jake.

Jake: Guys, stop! It's a movie about cupcakes!
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't understand!
Charles: You don't have kids!

Charles: Wait. He's taking the kids for us?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just like getting a free babysitter.
Charles: This is incredible. People without kids are so stupid.
Sergeant Jeffords: They're gonna destroy him.
Charles: Yeah.

Captain Holt: Hold on. I have some math questions. If Rosa has three wins, does Scully have two? Am I now tied with Scully?
Amy: No, no, no. I'm tied with Scully. You're tied with the filing cabinet.
Charles: The filing cabinet has more wins than me?
Amy: Yes, obviously.
Jake: Yeah, that's how that works.
Captain Holt: As it should.

Amy: Thanks for getting Jake there in time.
Charles: Oh, don't thank me. The real hero is Lieutenant Peanut Butter.
Jake: No, it was all you, Charles. Or should I say... Uncle Charles.
Charles: Chee-Chee.
Jake: Don't ruin this moment for yourself.
Charles: Uncle Charles it is.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Boyle. You want to choose where we order lunch from today?
Charles: Really? You're lifting the lifetime ban? I thought my lunch choices were "horrifying adventures in diarrhoea."
Amy: Today, Charles, we take that adventure with you.
Charles: All right! I've been craving Sudanese all day. I'll print out some menus.

Charles: All this cycling makes me feel like Lance Armstrong.
Gina: Like you use performance-enhancing drugs and have one testicle?
Charles: Wouldn't you like to know?

Charles: You know, the doctor said if the bullet was two millimetres to the left and a foot higher, I might never have walked again.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. This cast has a specially crotch hole. It's a like a Doggie Door for my penis. Shake?

Charles: If you'll excuse me, sir, I have to make urines in the toilets.
Jake: Yep, that's how people say words.

Jake: Like I said, Sal's is an institution, and it's the best pizza in the neighborhood.
Charles: I'm sorry, Jake. Sal's is only the 8th best. I've put out a weekly Brooklyn pizza ranking e-mail blast. Sal's has the 4th best texture, 9th best crust, 12th best cheese, and honestly, they're only 7th in mouth feel.
Jake: Mouth feel? What is that?
Charles: The inside of your cheeks are very sensitive. It's like the inside of your thighs except with a tongue.