Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta, looks like an old friend of yours is back in town.
Charles: Who? That guy Neil that you bunked with at sleepaway camp?
Jake: Oh, Neil from camp was the best. He could pick up a milk carton with his butt cheeks. He was so funny.
Charles: You know who else was funny? Bill Cosby.

Rob Dulubnik: Sorry, but this is a firefighter bar now. Although we might want to make some changes to the decor. I'm thinking some old-timey pressure gauges, maybe an autographed photo of Denis Leary from "Rescue Me."
Charles: You wouldn't.
Rob Dulubnik: Wouldn't I? Check it out.
Charles: You son of a bitch.

Charles: Okay, I went through my desk and got rid of everything that didn't give me joy.
Amy: You didn't get rid of anything.
Charles: Because it all gives me joy. Picture of Nikolaj, joy. Cocktail napkin from my first date with Genevieve, joy. Birthday card from my urologist, joy. He was the only doctor of my entire urethral support staff who remembered.

Amy: In Munkensmat, you get rid of all personal possessions except one.
Charles: I can't do that. What, I'm just supposed to get rid of my great-grandfather's shoes? He had one baby foot.

Captain Holt: Were you able to match the dental records to the Disco Strangler?
Dr. Oliver Cox: No, the body had no teeth.
Captain Holt: Well, that's suspicious.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Not really. Zumowski didn't have any teeth either.
Charles: Due to him being very old?
Dr. Oliver Cox: Yes.
Captain Holt: What about the fact that this corpse is 71 inches tall when the Disco Strangler was 76?
Dr. Oliver Cox: He shrank over time.
Charles: Is that another old person thing?
Dr. Oliver Cox: Yes, it is. Another old person thing.

Charles: Was it a mistake, Sarge? Or was it a stroke of brilliance?
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you talking about?
Charles: Look, you're a good actor. You could even be a great one. But you're too gentle. Life hasn't kicked you around enough.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, I grew up poor, and my father was emotionally abusive.
Charles: It's not enough. You needed to be rejected by me, a man you admire so much.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Captain Holt: Well done, Boyle. You've executed this mission flawlessly. I'm impressed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, if you were gonna use Diaz the whole time, why didn't you just tell us that?
Charles: Because you two would have given it away with your terrible acting. No offense, but I can read every emotion you're feeling on your face.
Sergeant Jeffords: Can you read this one?
Charles: Actually, yes. You're trying to be tough, but inside, you're super impressed by what I've accomplished today.
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, you're right. You're good.

Charles: So I told Nikolaj, "Who cares if you're bad at skateboarding? When you grow up, nobody thinks skateboarders are cool." What's cool is hemming your own pants.

Jake: Charles, are you okay? You hit your head pretty hard.
Charles: Oh, no, I'm fine. I don't have a concussion.
Jake: We'll see about that. How many musical numbers are there in the movie "Zootopia"?
Charles: Oh, just the one.
Jake: Yeah, he's okay.

Jake: Okay, how about this? Gintars just wants to see him, right? We can maybe have them meet without telling Nikolaj that Gintars is his birth father. Just say he's an old friend of ours.
Charles: Jake, you're completely forgetting about the olfactory bond. Nikolaj will immediately recognize his father's scent.

Charles: Wow, this was a bad idea.
Jake: Relax. He gets one afternoon with Nikolaj, and he chooses basketball? Does Nikolaj even like basketball? He loves the "Get Your Head In The Game" number from "High School Musical."
Jake: I haven't seen it, but I know that's not the same.

Jake: But here's what I'm thinking, I call the State Department-
Charles: You've done enough, Jake.
Jake: That's nice of you to say, but-
Charles: My tone wasn't nice.
Jake: But your tone is always nice with me. Wait a minute. Are you mad?
Charles: Yes, because you butted into a situation you shouldn't have. You need to keep your butt in your pants.
Jake: My butt was only out because you said you wanted Gintars gone.
Charles: Well, thanks to your butt, Nikolaj feels like he's been abandoned all over again.
Jake: Okay, but my butt was the one that got them together in the first place. I don't feel like my butt is getting credit for that.
Charles: Well, that's because your butt was inappropriate then too. Your butt should have never been a part of this. So now I gotta go clean up the big nasty mess that your butt made.
Jake: But my butt no but- My butt no but!

Jake: Look, it sounds like these things affected you more than they affected me. Maybe you should go to therapy.
Sergeant Jeffords: I do. Terry needs a safe space to process his emotions.
Charles: I go twice a week. Couples counseling with my dad, and then a solo sesh with Dr. Tyler.

Charles: And our chief suspect, James Buckley, has disappeared.
Jake: But he has no motive, no criminal record, and according to his credit card statement, had just purchased two sombreros. Kind of weird to give someone a sombrero when you're about to murder them.
Charles: Well, both sombreros could have been for him. It's always good to have a backup sombrero.
Jake: Please stop pronouncing it like that.
Charles: What, pronouncing sombreros like sombrero?
Jake: Yes.
Charles: [Spanish accent] Fine, if you want me to pronounce it the wrong way.

Jake: Prepare to be romanced. Voila. Bienvenue à Paris.
Charles: Bonjour, madame. Fromage?
Jake: Don't worry, Charles is leaving in a second.
Charles: I am?
Jake: Yeah, you were just helping me set up.
Charles: Fine. Enjoy your weird anniversary with just the couple, you selfish jerks.