Jake: There's our perp, looking all perpy, just perping his way down perp street.

Jake: Let me just start by saying this machine is the best restaurant in Brooklyn. And it always had a table for me.

Jake: You know when you told me you didn't want to date cops?
(In Jamaican accent) That really bummed me out, man.

Jake: Undercover highlights. Fixed a boxing match, smoked a whole cigar without vomiting, was once in a room with twelve guys named Sal, and missed you all so very much.

Jake: This guy is sort of the Mitch Globmun of getting put in jail for this. Globmun was the first kid in my grade to get a pube.

Jake: Coffee, extra black, extra no sugar, and real warm. It gets cold on them docks.
Charles: (In an Irish accent) And one earl grey tea for me, Twink Tucker.
Jake: No, you ruined it.

Amy: There's just no spark between us anymore. We have different interests. All he wants to do with his free time is make and bottle pilsners.
Jake: Yeah, that guy is obsessed with yeast.

Roger Peralta: This is nice.
Jake: If you screw this up and hurt her in any way, I will throw you in jail for the rest of your life, and I can do that now, Dad, so do not test me.
Roger Peralta: Okay. I still liked the hug even though you used it to threaten me.
Jake: Yeah, well I kind of liked threatening you, so, come on.

Jake: Oh, same ski mask. That's awkward.

Jake: Yeah, this guy won't be snitching in heaven. I mean, hell, obviously, he's going to hell. We all are; we're bad guys. Anyway, here's his tongue.

Adrian Pimento: Right now, they think I'm dead. This is my only chance to get away safe. Jake I need you to tell Rosa that I love her. Okay? Do that for me. Also, tell her this.
Jake: Oh. Oh my. Ew. That is very graphic, Adrian.
Adrian Pimento: Got it?
Jake: I don't think I can say any of that to Rosa.

Jake: And by the way, as someone who's eaten a lot of ramen in his life, here's a tip: leave a few noodles uncooked and then sprinkle them on top afterwards like a garnish. Gives you an extra little fun bonus crunch.

Jake: Okay. No big deal. Five days is nothing. I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are awesome. "Die Hard 6" on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me, I'm gonna die alone. Oh, boy, that happened fast. Guard? Guard!

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Jake, guess who just called me?
Jake: The Jerky Boys. They're back!
Sergeant Jeffords: No. What? No.

Jake: Well, I still wish I could've got you back in time.
Captain Holt: Why do you care so much about this?
Jake: I don't know, it's your dream, and, you know, you changed my life, made me wanna be a better man, or whatever.
Captain Holt: Thank you for trying. But deep down, I always knew I'd never be Commissioner.