Amy: Okay. I just won't ever open it. That way, I'll never get rejected.
Jake: Fine, I'll open it.
Amy: No! [grabs Jake's hand]
Jake: [bone cracking sound] Oh, whoa! Do it harder!

Jake: I only signed up as a one-time payment bribe. I'm not selling NutriBoom. It's clearly a pyramid scheme.
Bill: First off, it's not a pyramid scheme. It's a conical-tiered multi-flow-through medical marketing entity. And secondly, you signed the contract.
Jake: "Permission to charge my card quarterly for the next 85 years." This is written in white ink on white paper.
Bill: They do it that way so you can't read it.
Jake: Well, I did read it and I'm canceling the contract.
Bill: Canceling? If it was that easy to get out, would I be here scamming my closest friends?
Jake: We're your closest friends? What whatever, I'm not accepting the shipment.

Jake: You're right. It's gonna be great. Just got to stay positive. We're gonna see each other from across the room, we'll lock eyes, I'll say "noice," she'll say "toit," and then six months later, we'll be on "The Amazing Race" together.

Charles: Sorry I'm late everyone, but trust me, it's worth it. Me and Jake are tip buds. [yelling] What? [screaming] No!
Both: No!
Jake: You know what I do see it. It's bad. It looks bad.

Jake: Yes, we gotta get outta here, so we turn to leave, you flick your cigarette. Using the cane, using the cane, this is awesome. [gasps] Voila! Zee butt.
Charles: I thought Henri didn't have an accent.
Jake: It comes out when he gets excited.

Jake: Okay. Crank up the tunes, Boyle. The Night Boys need an anthem. Something dark, something tough, something I already got it. [Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" playing] You know what? I'm into it.

Jake: But I want to apologize.
Charles: For what?
Jake: Well, I kept talking about how I wanted everything to go back to normal, but if that actually happened, this little guy wouldn't be here. Or is he big? I don't know what size kids are supposed to be, or anything about kids, really. I think maybe that's part of the problem. It doesn't matter. I got a present for Nikolaj.

Gina: Check it out! Rainstick. Keeping it.
Jake: No, you're not. That is a crime.
Gina: Untrue. Once you steal something, none of your stuff belongs to you.
Adrian Pimento: I've heard that too.
Jake: No, you haven't. No one has. Put that down.

Captain Holt: All right, everyone. Listen up. We have a situation. Ten minutes ago, a prison van overturned on Nevins Street. It was carrying nine convicts who are now at large. It's our job to bring them in. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a manhunt.
Jake: (GASPS) A manhunt. Okay, what I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in the area. Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble.
Captain Holt: There must be some sort of error. There are nine fugitives, and none of them are named Kimble.
Jake: I didn't kill my wife!
Captain Holt: What?
Jake: You're supposed to go, "I don't care!"
Captain Holt: I don't care.
Jake: Let the manhunt begin.

Jake: Yeah, we didn't really know what to say. At one point, I'm pretty sure I sang all of En Vogue's "Free Your Mind."
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, they had fun, and you made 'em feel safe. You did good. Oh, they made you a "thank you" card.
Jake: Aww. Pretty sure my nose isn't quite this big, especially with all the racial sensitivity talk, but I appreciate the effort.

Jake: Whew. I am so glad we don't have to do any more babysitting for a while.
Amy: I know. It was so stressful.
Jake: So stressful. But, like, actually kind of rewarding too.
Amy: Shaping young minds like that felt so powerful.
Jake: Yeah.
Amy: But, like, so exhausting.
Jake: Oh, yeah. Can you imagine doing that every night? Forget it. But also, their little shoes are so cute. They're like little circles.
Amy: I know, and everything they hold looks so big because their hands are so tiny.
Jake: Yeah, and they have to hold a cup of water with both hands 'cause they're so weak.
Amy: I know!
Charles: Whoo-whee! That's what I'm talking about!
Both: Boyle!

Charles: Jake, what's going on? Why is Amy's hair like that?
Jake: Oh, she obsessively braids her hair when she's nervous, and she's super nervous 'cause she's taking the sergeant's exam today.
Charles: But Amy loves tests.
Jake: Not this one. It's always been her plan to be the youngest captain in the history of the NYPD, but if she doesn't pass this exam, she's gonna have to wait another three years to take it again, and that'll disrupt her entire life calendar.
Charles: Is that a real thing?
Jake: It hangs over our bed.

Jake: Yes, and hold onto your crazy-ass hair because I'm about to prove to you that you have nothing to worry about. Follow me. Practice test. You ace it, you relax, you nail the real one, you become a sergeant, you make grateful love to me for 14 hours straight.
Amy: Jake-
Jake: Fine, one hour. 15 minutes. Eight. Three but they're mind-blowing.
Amy: I told you a million times-
Jake: You don't really want more than three.

Sergeant Jeffords: I've been going at him for six hours. He won't say a word. The guy's a brick wall.
Jake: Not to worry, sarge. I'll take it from here. Hope you boys brought popcorn, 'cause I'm about to put on a show.

Laverne Holt: Hello. I'm Judge Holt.
Captain Holt: It's nice to meet you. I'm Tyrone Beverton, a Bordeaux enthusiast who sometimes dabbles in the Burgundies, if forced.
Jake: And I'm Tank Hendricks. Moms love me.
Laverne Holt: Oh, strange detail. But believable.