Jake: You're not good enough for my sister. I didn't realize you were this tall. Kurt. She's not going anywhere with you. Take your jean shorts and the butt that's in them and get out of my apartment.

Kate Peralta: So you were trying to get rid of me?
Jake: I mean, yeah, kinda. But I also just told off Kurt for being a jerk to you, so who's to say which thing we should focus on?

Jake: She's gonna do bad on "The Voice".

Jake: All right, sis, have a safe flight. No vaping.
Kate Peralta: [singing] No promises!
Jake: She is bad at singing.

Jake: That was the most stressful thing I've ever gone through, and I was wrongfully imprisoned last year.

Jake: All right, look, Charles, I know you're upset, but maybe there's a silver lining here. I mean, you had insurance, right?
Charles: Yeah. I already called them.
Jake: So maybe you'll get some money for this, and you can pay off your debts, starting with Amy. I'm sorry, that was selfish. Forget I said it. You can pay off your debts, starting with Amy. Whoops, I did it again.

Jake: Here comes the bachelor, all dressed in my nice jacket I only wear for special events.

Jake: Okay, so let's fanny up, Batch Boys, because it's time to party.

Jake: All right, what about book two? Maybe it's a code. All we have to do is decipher this list of thousands of random numbers.
Captain Holt: Huh, I wonder if one of them is 6-9?
Jake: Pretty sure he means 69, but I'm so hungry I can't even appreciate horndog Raymond.

Jake: All right, now let's hold on to each other for balance like three totally sober grown men.

Charles: So there is one question about the scavenger hunt you have to answer. Was he everything you thought he'd be?
Jake: Yes. He was everything I thought he'd be. Never before has a person so perfectly met my expectations.
Charles: I know! Isn't Reginald VelJohnson the best?
Jake: Reginald VelJohnson? From "Die Hard"? Sergeant Powell was a part of my bachelor party? Is what I said upon meeting him. I'm just still emotional about it. I can't believe you pulled that off!

Charles: You guys didn't do the scavenger hunt, did you? And you call yourselves The Batch Boys?
Captain Holt: Actually, we call ourselves The Steak Studs.
Jake: Raymond! Why?

Jake: I bet Charles is looking for the coins he hid all over the city. They were so expensive. Also, why does he keep saying I'm 24 karat gold?
Sergeant Jeffords: No idea.
Captain Holt: Makes zero sense.
Jake: We'll have to figure it out later.

Jake: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. It's Reginald VelJohnson.
Reginald VelJohnson: What's going on? Who are you?
Jake: I'm Jake Peralta. You were part of my bachelor party tonight.
Reginald VelJohnson: Oh, you're the jerk who didn't show.
Jake: He knows who I am! [squeal]

Jake: Look, Reginald, do you know why Charles hired you? Because I love "Die Hard" more than any other movie, and I loved you in it.
Sergeant Jeffords: For the record, I loved you from "Family Matters". Carl Winslow made me want to become a cop.
Jake: Come on, Terry, you already have like six other reasons you became a cop.
This is not your moment. And for the record, that's the first time I've ever heard him even mention "Family Matters".