Jake: Look, Reginald, do you know why Charles hired you? Because I love "Die Hard" more than any other movie, and I loved you in it.
Sergeant Jeffords: For the record, I loved you from "Family Matters". Carl Winslow made me want to become a cop.
Jake: Come on, Terry, you already have like six other reasons you became a cop.
This is not your moment. And for the record, that's the first time I've ever heard him even mention "Family Matters".

Jake: They're taking down a street racing gang that's been using souped-up cars to transport drugs across state lines. It's a real-life "Fast and the Furious" movie.
Captain Holt: Don't those movies glorify lawlessness?
Jake: No. They glorify family and loyalty and big, hard boobs on both men and women.

Captain Holt: Well, good luck. I know how competitive these task forces can be.
Jake: Especially this one. Because Boomer's amazing.
Hitchcock: In bed.
Jake: Come on, Hitchcock!

Jake: What, are you nervous?
Charles: Yeah! Very. You?
Jake: I mean, I was, but then I looked at Boomer's personnel file. We both started in the same precinct, we both took down drug gangs our first year as detectives, and we've both been referred to as El Ganador.
Charles: Oh, that's weird. I've never heard anyone calling you that.
Jake: Well, they will soon.

Jake: The point is, I'm basically a young Boomer Maxwell.
Victor Lake: Oh, you guys didn't hear? Boomer's not running the special unit anymore. He shattered both his legs jumping off the Chrysler Building onto a passing garbage truck during a chase.
Jake: Damn, that is so cool.
Victor Lake: They say he'll never walk again.
Jake: Oh. Well, that's very sad. But also still cool. He's gonna be an Ironside!

Charles: Wait, if Boomer's not doing it, who's running the task force?
Victor Lake: Detective Brett Booth from 6-3.
Jake: Oh! Cool, cool, cool.
Charles: Uh-oh. That was your worried "cool, cool, cool." Who's Brett Booth?
Jake: We were in the academy together. During a training exercise, I shot him with a rubber bullet and somehow it got underneath his goggles and hit him in the eye. It kind of messed up his depth perception.

Jake: Look, I'm worried too, but spiraling isn't gonna help anything. We can't go up there, so the best thing we can do is try not to think about it.
Charles: How are supposed to do that?
Jake: Well, it's called compartmentalizing. Not to brag, but when you come from a broken home, you get pretty good at it. It's like, "Hey, whose bra is that in the back seat of my dad's car? I'm sure it just blew in there on accident.
Anyways, off to third grade!"

Charles: Let's go over the backstories. I can start.
Jake: Actually, it's maybe better for me to go first so you can make some internal edits before you say yours out loud.
Charles: Perfect. After you.
Jake: Great. My name is Axel Richards. I've been driving stolen cars since I was six years old.
Charles: Wow, that's young.
Jake: Oh, yeah. I had to use a Wiffle Ball bat to just reach the gas pedal, and I never learned to use the brakes.
Charles: That sounds so dangerous.
Jake: Not if you know what you're doing.
Charles: Great response.
Jake: Thank you. Anyways, things went south when I got addicted to drugs after my best friend died in an active shooter situation. Oh, I see what I did there.

Charles: Why is there no news?
Jake: Charles, come on. Compartmentalize, remember? Try and think happy thoughts like the Shrek musical.
Charles: Come on, Jake, you know they shut that down. The health board said there was too much mud on the stage!
Jake: Yeah, probably for the best.

Jake: All right, that didn't work. How about this? Let's clean up our desks. Right? That's always good for a distraction. Oh, no. Rosa gave me this notepad.
I remember I was all, "Anyone got a notepad?" And she said, "Yep, here."
Charles: Oh, my God, that's so Rosa.
Jake: I know.

Charles: First things first. Let's synchronize our watches.
Scully: These don't work.
Hitchcock: They're just status symbols.
Charles: Okay, we'll use our phones, which are connected to the internet.
Hitchcock: I don't get the internet with my Netscape Blip.
Jake: Let's just use the regular clocks.

Jake: Anyways, Hitchock and Scully, to distract the captain, I'm gonna need you to get in a fight.
Scully: Us? The buddies?
Hitchcock: How would that even work?
Jake: You guys are adorable. But we don't have time for this, so figure it out!

Jake: It's showtime.
Officer Colin Wilg: What?
Jake: Hmm? Oh, I just said I have Showtime. The cable channel.
Officer Colin Wilg: Mm. Must be nice.

Officer Colin Wilg: It's Officer Wilg at the armory. I got Peralta here. He's signing out body armor and a long gun. Is he all clear?
Charles: [Holt soundboard] "Yes. Approved. Thanks."
Officer Colin Wilg: Oh, hey, Raymond. Can't wait for you and Kevin to come over and meet the baby. We still on for Thursday, right?
Charles: [Holt soundboard] Screw. That.
Officer Colin Wilg: I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to meet baby Carol. Her surgery was such a success.
Charles: [Holt soundboard] Screw. That. Screw. That. Get. Some. Good. Bye.
Jake: Ah. What a weirdo. Anyways, thanks for the gun.

Captain Holt: Going somewhere?
Jake: Fine, yes, you got me. So how'd you know I was sneaking out?
Captain Holt: I got a couple of very angry texts from Officer Wilg accusing me of quote unquote hating my own goddaughter.
Jake: How close are you with Colin from the armory?