Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a baby, Jake. It's Cagney's blankie. She calls it that because it has a little cow head. She said she had it in the minivan. Where is it now?
Jake: Ugh-
[flashback to Cagney and Lacey playing with the windows in the minivan
All: Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
[present:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Never let 'em play with the windows. That's Parenting 101.
And Santiago, I can't believe you didn't stop it.
Amy: I'm sorry, sir. I knew it was wrong, and I did nothing, which is ultimately worse.
Sergeant Jeffords: Cagney can't sleep without Moo Moo. And if Cagney doesn't sleep, then Lacey doesn't sleep. And if Cagney and Lacey don't sleep-
Jake: Terry doesn't sleep.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Jake doesn't live.
Jake: Oh my God.

Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for babysitting last night. The girls told me what you talked about, and it couldn't have been easy.
Amy: I'm sorry I told them orgasms was another word for oranges. I panicked.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, it did make it awkward when they asked for orgasm juice this morning, but I was more talking about the other stuff.

Jake: Thermometer museum? Uh, no thanky. Here's what a-we are all about. One, free hotel rooms.
Sergeant Jeffords: I get to sleep in a bed by myself. No wife, no kids, just Terry starfishing on a Cal King.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, you missed the tech expo. We got all this swag.
Six tote bags. Terry can tote anything. Look, point at something, I'll tote it.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, we have a witness coming in at 3:00 with her son.
Let's split this train set in two, make our own models, and see which one he likes more.
Captain Holt: You're on.
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't stand a chance. I'm gonna turn Jeffords Junction into the funnest town in America. That's right, I said "funnest." [Terry starts dancing]
Captain Holt: Stop dancing. Stop dancing. This is a direct order. Stop dancing.

Sergeant Jeffords: Mount Terry's looking good, just add a little snow, and perfect.
Captain Holt: Ah, yes. Now, that's what I call the right amount of arid shrubbery.
Sergeant Jeffords: Great job, Captain. That's just what the kid's gonna want, to play in a serial killer's dumping ground.

Sergeant Jeffords: Or would you like to come over here to Jeffords Junction, where it's always all four seasons and a volcano?

Rosa: It's beautiful. Are we better at this than our regular jobs?
Sergeant Jeffords: Unquestionably. We should start our own home renovation show.
Charles: I can see the poster. I'm on Terry's shoulders screwing in a light bulb, and Rosa stands by a ladder looking up at us like, "Oh, boy, what did I get myself into?"
Rosa: I love that idea.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sign me up.

Charles: Ugh, what are we watching?
Sergeant Jeffords: They've been fighting like little kids all morning, and I can't get 'em to stop. I tried everything, ordering them to stop and- Well, that's really all I tried. But I'm their superior officer. That should've worked.

Sergeant Jeffords: Here are the account numbers for the bank where the money showed up. Now, we're in a real hurry. You think you can trace it back to its source?
Pandemic: Are you questioning my abilities? Watch this. What's your name?
Sergeant Jeffords: Why do you need-
Charles: Terrence Vincent Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait. What's happening?
Pandemic: You're getting hacked, bro. That's what's happening.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't do that.
Pandemic: I'm in your home computer.
Sergeant Jeffords: You are? Get out.
Pandemic: You got a lot of songs by Natalie Imbruglia.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, I bought those back in the '90s.
Pandemic: Nope. Downloaded on Thursday.

Pandemic: Okay, now watch the Pandemic spread. There's a document in here that looks to be fan fiction for the show "Madam Secretary."
Charles: Oh, Sarge, I didn't know you were a fan of the Madam.
Sergeant Jeffords: The show leaves Terry wanting more. I'm just filling in the gaps.

Sergeant Jeffords: Just tell us if this is impossible. We don't have a lot of time to waste, and we've been here, like, five hours already.
Nightmare: Huh. You don't think I can do this? Is it because I'm a woman?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, I didn't say that.
Charles: I think women are amazing.
Nightmare: Thank you. And now I'm about to hack your world into pieces, old man. That'll show you.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Just do the thing with the bank. That'll show me.
Nightmare: Whoa. Looks like someone was a catalog model in Japan.
Charles: Whoa! Those boots. That slicker. The no pants. Who's the target audience for these pics, Sarge?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was a starving student. Terry needed the yen!

Charles: I'm getting worried. We're running out of time.
Nightmare: It's fine. This place is open 24-5. Only closed on weekends.
Sergeant Jeffords: Such a strange theme for a restaurant.

Charles: Did you guys find anything yet?
Pandemic: Yes. Terry made a sizable purchase at an Etsy store that sells anklets for men.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sharon thinks they're sexy. Oh, come on! Focus on the case, man.

Rosa: Sarge, is Captain Holt all right? He never miss work.
Sergeant Jeffords: He said he was at a 49 and improving at 8.6% a day. So I guess he'll be in soon.