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Quotes from ‘Cinco De Mayo’

Cinco De Mayo

Cinco De Mayo
Season 6, Episode 16 - Aired May 9, 2019

In order to distract Terry from the stress of his upcoming lieutenant's exam, Jake, Holt and the squad decide to hold the annual Halloween Heist on a new date, Cinco de Mayo.

Quote from Charles

Charles: A lot of infighting. Not too late to ditch Amy and team up with this pussycat burglar.
Captain Holt: Please, Boyle, your only value was you had a doppelganger which no longer matters since Bill died in that accident.
Amy: RIP, Bill.
Sergeant Jeffords: So sad.
Charles: I can still be useful without Bill. No hole's too tight for these tiny tips. [everyone groans] For stealing stuff.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: Okay, that whole lunch thing was clearly a ploy. But even still, I'm not worried about losing to Boyle.
Jake: No one is. He's a joke. All right, let's get this thing going. Scully will be locked in the supply closet with his bracelet.
Scully: Can I lie down on the floor?
Jake: Uh, yeah. You can do whatever you want. And you're already on the ground.
With Hitchcock. And you both have pillows.
Hitchcock: Best day ever.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: I have so many plans and supplies. I even have a victory banner that unfurls with a voice command. I can't say what, but it's so cool.
Sergeant Jeffords: I thought this was a spur-of-the-moment fun way to distract me from freaking out about my exam.
Jake: Well, it wasn't exactly hard to predict, Sarge. Your catchphrase is "Terry hates tests."
Sergeant Jeffords: It's true. Terry hates tests.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Was it hard to get through the door?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. I'm strong as hell. The hard part was getting this bracelet off Scully's wrist. How can you even feel your hand with this thing so tight?
Scully: You're supposed to feel your hands?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Squirt more lube and help me yank.
Amy: Ugh, you know that fun braggy recap we do at the end of each win? Can we leave this part out?
Captain Holt: [GRUNTS] Yes. We'll make up a cooler thing. But for now, we lube and yank. Wrap your legs around him to anchor yourself.

Quote from Rosa

Charles: Well, it worked. Jake brought in Scully's twin just like I planned when I connected them on Facebook, but he had no idea they hated each other. And when everyone was fighting, they were too distracted to notice old Shlomo. They all underestimated me, Rosa, but today, they will learn the error of their ways, for today, I will prove that nobody gets the best of Charles Boyle.
Rosa: I doused your beard in chloroform.
Charles: Really? I find that very hard to beli- [drops to the floor]

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: How many cummerbunds are you holding right now? Zero. It's one bund to none, son!

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: She's making it up. The pregnancy scam was my idea.
Jake: No. No, no, no, no, Amy. Wait, is that true? Did you just lie to me about our baby?
Charles: Yeah, did you lie to us about our baby?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: His eyes aren't focusing and he hasn't referred to himself in the third person in minutes. He's clearly concussed.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, well, that's not great.
Rosa: There's no way he can take the test in that condition.
Jake: You're right. Amy, you're going to have to crawl inside his shirt and operate his arms for him. It's a Ratatouille situation.
Amy: On it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Anyway, once my fake concussion was on display, I created the perfect distraction for my partner to do his job. [claps, Cheddar comes running]
Captain Holt: Cheddar, you duplicitous bitch.

Quote from Amy

Amy: You're having a high-grade pre-test freak out. I've been there. March 13, 2001. AP Calc test-
Jake: Ames, I hate to cut you off, but we all know where this story's going.
Amy: Oh, yeah? You know that I crapped my pants in the middle of the test?
Jake: Oh my God, no, I thought you were just gonna say you got a B+ or something.
Amy: More like a BM.
Jake: Noice.
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, now Terry's worried about his test and his bowels!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: What you need, Sergeant, is to distract yourself. NPR has a riveting six hour interview with Eileen Moon Myers.
Rosa: Nobody knows who that is.
Captain Holt: Nobody knows the Associate Principal Cellist in the New York Philharmonic? [SNORTS] Okay.

Quote from Amy

Jake: You said that we should reschedule the heist for another day, so why not today? To help distract Terry?
Amy: Yes. And I would love to defend my crown after I destroyed you all last year.
Jake: Well, I mean, the proposal was all part of my plan.
Amy: All I remember is you bowing to me on your knees.
Jake: Yeah, I was asking you to marry me.
Amy: Well, you look like a fool.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Neither of you won because Jake swapped out the real championship cummerbund-
Jake: Belt.
Captain Holt: For the treacly proposal one.
Jake: What? I thought everyone loved that I used the heist to do the proposal.
Captain Holt: You are wrong. Everyone hated it but it helped me win.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: During your engagement celebration, I snuck back and found the original cummerbund.
Jake: Belt.
Captain Holt: It's hanging up in my living room at home.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Wait, I will only do this under one condition. Sergeant Jeffords agrees that this will help his nerves.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I mean, I would like to take my mind off the test. And maybe I'll win this year.
Captain Holt: Ah, the heist is already working. Sergeant Jeffords has recovered his sense of humor.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, but for real, though. Are we doing this?
Captain Holt: We're doing this.
Charles: Heist!
Jake: Heist!
Sergeant Jeffords: Heist!
Hitchcock: It's a Cinco de Mayo heist!
Jake: A Cinco de Mayo heist makes just as much sense as Halloween. Let's do it!

Quote from Scully

Jake: Now, before we go any further, we should probably choose an item to steal. Does anyone have anything valuable on them? Maybe some jewelry?
Scully: I have a medical alert bracelet that tells people my name and address, in case I have a brain collapse.
Jake: Perfect, this year's champion will be whoever's in possession of Scully's very upsetting bracelet at midnight tonight.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Santiago, shall we join forces?
Amy: Ooh, smart, teaming up with the reigning champ.
Captain Holt: Again with this nonsense? I'm the reigning champ. The only thing you won last heist was a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake.
Amy: [GASPS] How dare you. No one thinks you won last year.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Wow, really thought the "how dare you" was going to be linked to his mean sex comment, but okay.
Amy: Right, sorry. I'll have you know Jake and I wear each other out every single night.
Jake: Good lord, overcompensating. You know what? Maybe we just shouldn't talk about this at work.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I'm texting Kevin to bring the cummerbund. You'll see who the real winner is, you braggy breeders.

Quote from Jake

Jake: But the point is, I planned everything, starting with Scully's bracelet. It had to be the prize because I have prepared the greatest reveal in heist history. Allow me to introduce you to Other Scully.
Earl: Hi, I'm Earl, Norm's twin brother.
Jake: [MIMICKING EXPLOSION]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why's Scully never mentioned he had a twin before?
Jake: Because no one talks about their siblings with coworkers.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've told you about my brother Lawrence.
Jake: Nope, and I don't want to learn about him and I already forgot his name. Now let's go. It's time to heist.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, that's terrifying. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to hide the old bracelet and win me this heist.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't you mean win us this heist?
Jake: Oh, Terrence, unfortunately I do not.
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell?
Jake: Sorry, Sarge. It had to be this way.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?
Jake: The banner only has my name on it. It's really all about the banner. It unfurls by a voice command. But I promise that I will mention both you and Earl Scully in my victory speech.
Scully: Wait, Earl's here?
Jake: Yeah. He helped us with the heist.
Scully: I told that son of a bitch never to show his face in New York again!
Jake: Oh! Why are you running towards the glass?
Scully: [GLASS SHATTERS] You're a dead man, Earl!
Jake: That's not great.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're a dead man, Jake!
Jake: Uh, that's much worse.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Earl? Earl!
Earl: Norm? Norm?
Amy: What the-
Earl: I'm so happy your friend invited me to-
Scully: I told you what would happen if I ever saw you again, Earl.
Captain Holt: What is going on? What am I looking at?
Sergeant Jeffords: Scully has a twin brother named Earl. Jake brought him here to trick you.
Jake: Thank you for the ride, Terrence. Apparently they don't get along very well.
Scully: We did get along. We were inseparable, until Earl slept with my wife.
Earl: It's not my fault she wanted to have sex with a stud instead of a dud.
Scully: Stud? Your face looks it's been kicked in by a horse.
Earl: Well, your mouth looks like a butthole.
Scully: Your whole body looks like a butthole.
Jake: And you look identical.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Shalom, partner.
Rosa: Dope.
Charles: And you thought Shlomo Ben-Yisrael wouldn't come through.
Rosa: No, I said the name and the costume were offensive, bordering on actionable.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Ah. There you are. I've been looking all over. Woah. That's a lot of yolks. Are you stress eating again or is this just a small Terry snack?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm stress eating, Jake. My snack yolks are in that bowl.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Well, stop eating eggs and come help me with the heist.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not helping you.
Jake: Why not? Ugh, is this because I once betrayed you?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. It was our last interaction.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Look, Sarge, I'm sorry, okay? I can't undo the past, but come on. Would you rather win the heist with me or sit around swallowing eggs like Birdo from "Super Mario 2"?
Sergeant Jeffords: Birdo doesn't eat eggs. Birdo spits them.
Jake: Oh, my God, you got that reference, Terry? We're the perfect team.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: As Holt argues with me I will be covertly releasing more water into Cheddar's bowl. Then we sit back and wait for-
[cut to:]
Captain Holt: Potty time again?
[present:]
Sergeant Jeffords: What if he takes him downstairs?
Jake: He won't. I spent a lot of time making clandestine searches on Holt's computer. Now all of his targeted ads direct him straight to-
[cut to:]
Captain Holt: The Puppy PeePee Pad. Intriguing.
[present:]
Jake: He bought one and put it out on the roof next to Gina's golden statue. And, because he believes that Cheddar deserves to pee in privacy like any other self-respecting adult, he will leave Cheddar outside alone to do his business.
[cut to:]
Captain Holt: Notify me when you're done, via bark.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: The plan worked. I got it!
Jake: Oh my God, you look like an Oscar. Ooh. We should take a picture where it looks like I'm holding you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake.
Jake: You're right. There's no time. We'll do it later.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: He has the bracelet! We grabbed Mr. Hootsworth from Cheddar and swapped it for a fake!
Jake: Wow, Terry, my betrayals were all in good fun, but this really hurts.
Captain Holt: Cheddar, bring me Mr. Hootsworth. It's an updated model. The bowtie is Turkish blue instead of Egyptian blue. [to Cheddar] How could you not have noticed this?
Jake: Because he's a dog. And at the end of the day a dog is no match for Jake Peralta.
Rosa: Well yours is a fake, too. Turkish blue bowtie.
Jake: Oh, come on! The one time I say out loud I'm smarter than a dog?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: If I have a fake and you have a fake, who took the real bracelet?
Kevin: I did.
Captain Holt: Kevin?
Kevin: I swapped out Mr. Hootsworth for a fake while you were arguing with Peralta.
[flashback:] How many cummerbunds are you holding right now? Zero! It's one bund to none, son!
[present:]
Captain Holt: You betrayed me? But why?
Kevin: I can't have more of these trophies in our home. The cummerbund was already in the living room. What's next, a rusty medical bracelet suspended above our bed?
Captain Holt: Yes!

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Now hand it over.
Kevin: I don't have it. I gave it to Amy.
Captain Holt: [GASPS] Santiago. You betrayed me as well?
Amy: You betrayed me first. You were working with Rosa this whole time.
Captain Holt: That wasn't real. I was always gonna stab her in the back.
Rosa: You were? What kind of person treats another human being like that?
Charles: You tricked me, Rosa! And then you shipped me to New Jersey!
Rosa: First of all, grow up. Second of all, how'd you get back here so fast?
Charles: If you get a box wet enough, it's very easy to bust out of it.
Jake: No one ask any follow-ups.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I knew I couldn't trust you, Rosa. That's why I was going to double-cross you with Bill. That's right, he didn't really die.
Bill: Hey, guys, you really thought I'd miss this year's heist? No way, I'm part of the squad.
Amy: No.
Rosa: Not true.

Quote from Jake

Amy: You tased me!
Jake: You tased me first!
Sergeant Jeffords: Enough! Terry's had enough of this. This was supposed to be just a fun game but it's turned you all into terrible people. Betraying your husband, putting your friend in the mail. Jake and Amy, did you guys buy each other any gifts this year that weren't tasers?
Jake: No.
Amy: No.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all pretended that this was all about helping me with my test. But none of you cared one bit. You know what? You all suck!
Jake: [BEEPING] Oh no, my voice command. Terry, look out!
Sergeant Jeffords: [GROANS]
Jake: Okay. I know that was bad, but let's not jump to any conclusions about whose fault it was.
Band: [singing] Jacob Peralta, Jacob Peralta This was all his clever plan. Jacob Peralta-
Jake: Wow, what a fun improvised song.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Guys, this is bad. The Lieutenant's exam is in 30 minutes.
Jake: Okay, look, let's just get him to One Police Plaza and hopefully he'll wake up on the way. Charles, help me pick him up.
Charles: Copy that. He's too heavy. We can't do this.
Jake: God. How does he lift weights and also lift his arms?

Quote from Charles

Jake: This is impossible. We'll never get him there.
Bill: So you guys need help moving a body? Thank God old Bill's part of the squad. I mean, assuming, I am part of the squad.
Jake: Yes, sure.
Amy: Totally.
Bill: Oh, yes, finally. I have somewhere to live.
Charles: What?
Bill: Meet me in the alley next to my shopping cart. It's the one with all the cans.
Rosa: Seems like his plan is just to put Terry in the shopping cart.
Jake: Correct. We'll take it.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Wait. Where is everyone? Where are all the desks? What is happening?
Sergeant Jeffords: What's happening is- You all suck! [BEEPING]
Band: [singing] You all are losers, you all are losers And Terry Jeffords is the best! You are all losers, you are all losers And Terry Jeffords is the best-
Jake: Son of a bitch stole my song.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Wait, Terry has the bracelet?
Jake: That's right. Me and my teammate Terry won. We fooled you all.
Sergeant Jeffords: You didn't do [BLEEP]!
Jake: Okay, well, neither did Jordan's teammates, but they still got rings.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, first, for my plan to work, it had to happen on a day when I could control everything. I couldn't let it be Halloween.
Captain Holt: You faked the gas explosion.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, stupid actors almost blew it.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: What was with that moaning, Trent? I thought you studied at the Lee Strasberg Institute.
Trent: It doesn't mean anything. They just take your money.
[present:]
Jake: Oh, that is a huge relief. I felt so bad about poking that guy's wound to make sure it was real.
Rosa: You should still feel bad about that.
Jake: No, it was all fake. I'm totally absolved.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Man, I am so sick of Jake saying he is the only two-time Halloween heist winner.
Captain Holt & Amy: I'm the only two-time Halloween heist winner.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't believe everyone says you're not helpful during the Halloween heist. Just because they all think your fingers are too big.
Charles: We'll show them.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for inviting me over for dinner. Boy, that's hung in a real prominent place, isn't it?
Kevin: Not for long.
[present:]
Kevin: I was manipulated?
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, Kevin.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: But, wait, what about the Lieutenant's exam? Aren't you supposed to be taking it right now?
Sergeant Jeffords: Hell no, I took that thing weeks ago. And I passed. I'm already a lieutenant!
Rosa: You are?
Amy: That's incredible!
Jake: Lieutenant Jeffords!
Charles: This is amazing.
Bill: I'm so proud of you, Terry.
Jake: All right. You've overstepped now, Bill.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, it's weird you're here, Bill.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: To Terry Jeffords, the ultimate human being slash genius. Nice work Lieutenant.
[everyone cheers]
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks, squad!
Captain Holt: Also the next heist will be at Halloween, so you'll only be champion for six months. This is half a win at best.
Jake: Sounds about right, yeah.
Amy: Yeah.
Jake: Pretty garbage.

Jake: Terry, what you did today was awesome and I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I took things too far.
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you kidding me? I was just guilting you as a tactic. I love how crazy the heist gets.
Jake: Okay, good, 'cause what I really wanted to say is next heist I'm gonna drown you in your own blood.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah? Well, then I'm gonna rip your arms off and beat you to death with 'em.
Kevin: Oh. I'm going to slice your Achilles' tendons, peel off your fingernails, and stick knitting needles in your eyes.
Both: Oh, damn.
Kevin: Raymond, you were right. These heists are fun.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Hey, hey hey! It's the best day of the year. Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Jake: I don't think you're allowed to wear a poncho to work, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Let's fiesta!
[BAND PLAYING "THE MEXICAN HAT SONG"]
Jake: Oh, you got a band.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Stop, stop. No trumpets. Not today. My head is killing me.
Hitchcock: Hit the tequila a little early, huh?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not hung over, Hitchcock. I've got a tension headache.
I've got the Lieutenant's exam tonight. I'm stress-eating like crazy. I had ten hard-boiled egg yolks this morning.
Jake: Gross.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Wait. I've got it. I know how to distract Terry. Captain, remember how you cancelled the last Halloween heist because there was that emergency gas line explosion and you said we had to "help out"?
Captain Holt: Yes, I also remember you refusing to believe the explosion was real.
[flashback:]
Jake: Go back to acting school, buddy. You're way overselling the pain here. No one's buying it!
[present:]
Jake: Well, it's not like I was the only one who thought it was fake.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: And the Oscar goes to Trent.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I never thought I'd say this, but enough foreplay. Are we heisting or not?

Quote from Charles

Jake: Welcome one and all to the first ever Cinco de Mayo Halloween Heist 6! We're still working on the title.
Charles: No need, I love it.
Jake: Thank you, Charles.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: I take my test at 6:30.
Jake: You know what, Terry? You're kind of making this a nightmare. Maybe you just shouldn't participate-
Captain Holt: So this really isn't about helping out Sergeant Jeffords?
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: I guess I'm out.
Jake: But no, no, no, no, come on. Of course I'm 100% in support of Terry. In fact, I'm going to team up with him.
Sergeant Jeffords: Let's do this.
Captain Holt: You are so easily manipulated. Now you're stuck with Sergeant Dumb Dumb.

Quote from Rosa

Charles: Well, fine. Looks like I'll just team up with my friend Rosa.
Rosa: I'm out. Five heists was enough. We've exhausted every possibility of this thing. Literally nothing new can happen. It's boring. You can have a long lunch with me instead.
Charles: Ooh, lunch? The devil's breakfast.
Rosa: Well, forget it.
Charles: Okay, I won't call it that. I just want to be included in something.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: No movement yet. So here's our plan. After watching everyone coo over your maudlin proposal, I've decided we should employ a similar diversion.
Amy: Smart, I'm in.
Captain Holt: You will tell Jake you are pregnant with his child.
Amy: What? I'm not pregnant.
Captain Holt: Here is a positive pregnancy test and a sonogram of your fetus. Congratulations. It's a girl.
Amy: Feels a little mean to play with Jake's feelings like that, sir.
Captain Holt: You're right, it is mean. Too bad. As your mentor I command you to do it.
Amy: Wow, okay.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Perhaps we should discuss some other options.
Captain Holt: There's no time, look. Peralta's going for the bracelet.
Amy: How'd he get him free so quickly?
Jake: See ya later, losers.
Amy: Not so fast.
Jake: [TASER CRACKLING] [GRUNTING] What the hell was that?
Amy: That Fitbit I gave you at Christmas? I modified it into a taser.
Jake: What? Do you even want me to get into shape?
Amy: Yeah, but not as much as I want to win. Buzz buzz, bitch.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Fake heist went perfectly.
Sergeant Jeffords: So did the real heist. Why is your face twitching like that?
Jake: Oh, Amy tased me a bunch. I bit my own tongue. It was awesome.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Should we help Scully?
Jake: I'm not touching this.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, that was a real mind eff. Good-bye.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Just so you know, Jake has the bracelet in his pocket.
Jake: Why would you tell them that? We're a team.
Sergeant Jeffords: You locked me up.
Jake: Yeah, but they didn't know that.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Aah, perfect.
Amy: What? What happened? You know where the bracelet is?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has arrived with proof that I am the only two-time winner of the heist.
Kevin: Here's your cummerbund, Raymond.
Amy: We don't have time for this, sir. I'm gonna go search the first floor.
Captain Holt: And I will search the second floor. We are an inseparable team. [to Kevin] That was a devious fib. I'm betraying her even as we speak.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Hey, Kev.
Captain Holt: Diaz and I are covertly working together. She snuck up through the vents. This is a major reveal. I feel like you're not appreciating it.
Kevin: I don't like these heists, or what they bring out in you.
Captain Holt: Oh, clam it, Kevin.
Kevin: "Clam it"? Cheddar, perhaps we should leave.
Captain Holt: No, Cheddar stays. He still has an important role to play. Give me Mr. Hootsworth. No one would ever think of looking for the bracelet in Cheddar's favorite chew toy.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Or do you mean Jake's favorite chew toy? [CHUCKLES] Well, thank God no one was around to hear that.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: No, we won't. Help me get this paint off.
Jake: Okay, put your hands out and I'll squirt you with a little makeup remover. Hi-ya.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. You're betraying me again? Why?
Jake: Because of the banner.
Sergeant Jeffords: But I thought you said our friendship was more important.
Jake: Yeah, that was obviously a lie. The banner was very expensive! I don't have a lot of money, Sarge. All right, bye. Don't make a lot of noise.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Howdy. I just got back from lunch with Charles, who is not here. I am real glad I skipped the heist. Say, who is winning?
Jake: I don't know, but I know that I am not winning.
Captain Holt: Interesting, it is also not me.
Amy: Uh, why are you guys acting so weird?
Jake: Gah, weird? Would a person who is acting weird laugh like this? A huh-huh huh-ha, carefree.
Amy: Yes.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake!
Jake: Oh, Terry, you ripped yourself free.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, maybe you should try cuffing me to a stronger metal next time.
Jake: Yeah, I don't know the relative strength of metals.

Quote from Jake

Amy: What's going on? Why does Terry look like an Oscar?
Jake: Doesn't he?

Quote from Charles

Jake: Okay, this is official getting hard to track. Who has the bracelet now?
Captain Holt: Santiago.
Amy: Yeah. And no of you are getting it.
Jake: We'll see about that.
Amy: [TASER CRACKLING] [GROANS] What the hell?
Jake: Remember that very fancy Swiss pen I got you for Christmas, the one that you keep in your pocket at all times? It's a taser, bro.
Amy: [BEEPING] Uuugh.
Jake: I'll take that. Amy, do not make me tase you again.
Amy: No, no, no, no, don't. I'm pregnant.
Jake: What?
Amy: I just found out. It's a girl.
Jake: Oh, my God.
Charles: Oh my God, it's happening. Quick, someone get a reaction video of me becoming an uncle!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Room 410 is this way. Okay, we got him here with one minute to spare.
Jake: Yes. I knew we could make it. All right, Sarge. You ready to go in there and ace this thing?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I can't believe it, I'm gonna be a pilot.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Continue with your story, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: I knew you'd suggest a heist as a distraction from my Lieutenant exam, then all I had to do was sit back and watch as everyone took things way too far.
Amy: But how'd you know we'd get so out of hand?
Sergeant Jeffords: I spent the last six months sowing the seeds of conflict.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Don't apologize to him, Terry. It's his first heist. He needs to learn. Keep going.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, after I got everyone acting like maniacs, all I had to do was make you feel bad by "knocking myself out."
Jake: The banner. But how did you learn my voice command?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't have to. I sold you the damn thing.
Jake: No.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I spent $1,800 on that thing.
Amy: You did?
Jake: Amy, stop interrupting. Terry's doing his big speech.

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