Jake: You know what? You're being a bad partner. You're joining forces with the enemy. And from now on, I'm gonna call you "the cheetah." They're scavengers, just like vultures. And I kinda wish I hadn't said it, 'cause they're pretty cool. Come on, jewel thief. You're my only friend now.

Jake: Scully, what are you doing at my desk? And working? What is going on today?

Amy: [as The Vulture shows off his underwear band] The Vladimir Putin collection?
The Vulture: Yeah, 70 bucks a pair. And they only increase in value.

Rosa: It's my birthday. I hate birthdays. If you wish me a Happy Birthday, I will punch you.
Scully: You're a funny little bird, Diaz. Happy Birthday.
[Rosa punches Scully]

Captain Holt: Tell me about the Boyle-linetti reaction.
Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle gets cold a lot because of what he calls his-
[cut to:]
Charles: Medically diagnosed thin skin.
[back:]
Sergeant Jeffords: So he goes to the lost and found, and he grabs something that's usually unflattering. That's when Gina gets involved.

Jake: Hello, everyone. My name is Roger Strikewell, and I will be your guest auctioneer this evening. So many faces to look at. I won a radio contest, and I'm so excited to be here tonight to sell you all of these cool, old, Greek things. Our first item up for bid is lot number 344. It is this old "vase," "vahs" if you're nasty. It was made in the year five and depicts the classic Greek fable: Boy meets girl, boy has goat legs. And on the back, just a whole bunch of wheat. So let's start the bidding at $10. [all hands go up] Okay, started it way too low.

Joe Theismann: My leg! My leg! You broke my other leg.
Jake: Uh.
Joe Theismann: Oh, this was supposed to be a safe event.
Jake: Nothing to see here. Except for the bone, sticking out of the leg.
Adam Sandler: Joe, I video'd it!

Adam Sandler: New item up there. How much you guys wanna pay for me to stick my socks in this moron's mouth?
Joe Theismann: I will.
Jake: Did football legend Joe Theismann just bid $1,000 to put a sock in my mouth?
Joe Theismann: You bet.

Jake: Good afternoon, sir, I'm Detective Peralta. This is Detective always-stays-loyal. She's named after her father Alvin stays-loyal.

Adam Sandler: This is terrible you don't know what you're doing.
Jake: Adam Sandler?
Adam Sandler: Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian revolution.
Jake: Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it?
Adam Sandler: Ha, ha. It's a serious movie. Trotsky.
Jake: Ah, there it is.
Adam Sandler: But he's got a wife who never wears a bra. I think you're gonna like it.
Jake: Thanks for dressing up, by the way.

Jake: The thief's name is Benjamin Disanto. Here's an old mug shot. He's surprisingly photogenic. A lot of criminals are, strangely.

Jake: NYPD.
Mlepnos: Yes? Mlepnos.
Jake: Oh, boy.
Amy: NYPD, sir. Have you seen anything unusual today?
Mlepnos: Oh, no. This was nice, thank you.

Captain Holt: Do you have a murder suspect to question?
Jake: He is in the interrogation room as we speak, sitting and, I assume, stewing. I put on a song that I think sums up his situation nicely.
[in the interrogation room, Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe" plays]
Jake: Because, you see-
Captain Holt: You got him, babe. I understood the wordplay, yes.

The Vulture: Yo, is this a police station or a toilet? 'Cause all I see is turds.
Charles: Oh, Detective Pembroke. Oh, no. I spilled coffee on you by accident.
The Vulture: Lucky for you, this wipes off quickly. This coat's made out of whale skin.

Rosa: Hey, Pembroke. What do you say we go talk about a case in the break room?
The Vulture: Oh, yeah? What case is that?
Rosa: The case of how you got so damn sexy.
The Vulture: God owed me a favor. Case solved.