Amy: That's a seat warmer.
Jake: Oh, that's even better than rockets. My butt gets very cold.

Charles: Gina and I are casual lovers.
Jake: Urgh.
Amy: Yeuck.
Gina: Eww.

Charles: Oh, she's so pretty. She looks like the woman on an olive oil bottle.

Charles: Very respectful.
Jake: Correct, I am the King of respectfulness, bitches!

Jake: It's one 12-hour shift.
What are you afraid is gonna happen?
Captain Holt: Injury, death, general calamity. Just don't burn the place down.

Amy: Jake, what are you doing? This is a crisis.
Jake: I'm trying to keep morale up, because Hazmat said it's almost definitely a hoax.
Gina: Almost? What if it's Anthrax? We are all 100% gonna die!

Sergeant Jeffords: Zeke is being nice to me for the first time ever because he thinks you're a jerk just like his boss. When we go downstairs, I want you to scream at me. I want you to really degrade me in front of my family.
Captain Holt: And this will make you happy?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's the best Thanksgiving gift you could give me.
Captain Holt: What an idiotic thing to say. What's a Thanksgiving gift? I'm just getting in the zone.

Charles: How did you do that?
Gina: I always open my gifts in advance, so I can rehearse my reactions and nail those Christmas-morning candids. Check it out. Be-wonderment. (Gasps) Disbe-loving it. Sparkle-surprise.

Sophia: What, you think John Adams was just some idiot?
Jake: No, I think John Adams was a mini-series I didn't watch because it looked like a book.

Charles: *gasp*
Sorry. Just point at me when you want me to gasp.
Jake: Will do.

Lynn Boyle: Thank you, Charles and Gina, for inviting us on this double date. Kind of like a fun, Christmas four-way.
Darlene Linetti: Well put, Lynn. A very sweet sentiment.

Captain Holt: Do you know why I don't accept gifts?
Amy: Because you're so evolved, you don't need material things.
Captain Holt: Because I don't like brown-nosing.
Amy: Oh.
Sergeant Jeffords: Youch. That was hard to watch.