Charles: Ho, ho, ho, Jake. Special delivery from Santa's elf. Merry Christmas. "Heart Attack Soda"
Jake: Holy crap. I love this stuff. You know, technically it's just carbonated fudge.
Charles: I know.
Jake: I thought they banned it.
Charles: Not in Syria. They use it to induce labor in goats.

Sergeant Jeffords: What up, Jake? Why are these dicks out of their cage?
Jake: I stayed up all night working on your case, and Hans, John, and Nakatomi made for great company. I gave them all Die Hard names.

Jake: Oh my God, it's real life Die Hard. I mean, oh, no, crime.

Charles: Yippie kayak, other buckets!
Jake: Boyle! You did it! And you completely botched the catchphrase.
Charles: I'm pretty sure it was right.
Jake: No, but you did great.

Jake: Wow. Never thought I'd live to see Holt side with the Vulture and Wuntch. Mark the day, Gina. May 18th at 4:00 p.m.
Gina: Oh, honey. We're well into October.

Captain Holt: Peralta, have a seat. I believe this might help. When Kevin and I first started dating, he taught at a small college upstate. It was two hours away by train or bus, but only 30 minutes by car.
Jake: Is this another one of your riddles? You rode to work on his shoulders. One set of footprints.
No?

Jake: Amy Santiago, I want to change mattresses for you.
Amy: That's the best thing I've ever heard.
Jake: I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. I think I was just scared that you were gonna realize you're way better than me.

Jake: Holy Moses! That is much too much money.
Amy: Well, you spent twice that for Mr. Met to come to your birthday party.
Jake: Yeah, and it was worth it. Mr. Met used my bathroom. Number two. That's a memory I will cherish forever.

Captain Holt: Son of a bitch!
Gina: Okay, I misjudged that one.
Captain Holt: Oh, what did he do to you, Gertie? What did he do?
Charles: It was an accident, sir.
Captain Holt: Yes, an accident: The buffoon's apology. This is your fault, mister.
Gina: Interesting. Charles? Do you feel that's the case?
Charles: Um, your car is pretty far over the line. Mm. So it's kind of your fault too.
Captain Holt: Pass the blame. The buffoonery is endless. You're gonna pay for what you've done. And it won't be cheap. They'll have to custom-mix the color because they no longer make raspberry sherbet.

Jake: Yeah, that wasn't a fight. That was just sexy workplace banter. Exactly. I mean, mattresses are also sexy 'cause that's where you do it.
Amy: Yeah. And grammar is a system of language involving syntax and semantics. Also sexy.

Captain Holt: Boyle, I thought you should know. I just got Gertie back from the garage. She looks as good as new. Better, even, because after 12 years, they finally got the Annie Lennox cassette out of the tape player.
Charles: Oh, I love her.

Rosa: Hey! What were you thinking?
Sam: I made a mistake! The phones were just lying there, and I didn't think things through. I'm sorry, Rosa.
Rosa: Rosa is your friend from before you were a criminal.
You are dealing with Detective Diaz now, and she is gonna make sure you rot in juvie for the rest of your life.

Amy: I think it's cute. You're like an idealistic grad student.
Jake: Ah, you like that? You want me to tell you about the time that I backpacked through the Netherlands?
Amy: Ooh, did you fold all your stuff up really small to fit into one carry-on?
Jake: Is that what you want me to have done?

Jake: So I marked all the corners where taxi has been spotted on this map. You'll probably notice right away that it makes the shape of a boob.
Amy: This looks great. Confirms Devon's story. He says his dealer hangs out here, in the underboob.

Amy: Our only close call was when Jake didn't know who Will Shortz was.
Captain Holt: Really? Never heard of the Puzzlemaster? This is who you want to be with? I shouldn't get involved. Good luck with the case.