Captain Holt: I want you two to go undercover as a couple to stake out the room. You should be very convincing, given that you're currently what was it? "Smooshing booties."
Jake: Great, and thank you for saying it that way. It made us both feel very comfortable.
Amy: Sure did.

Jake: But I know you'll be excited, because I busted Devon here with four vials of this, which is a new drug called-
Amy: Taxi! You actually found some?
Jake: Yup. Your CI was right. It's popping up on the corners.
Amy: Man, my snitches are the best. The key is to always send them handwritten thank-you notes.

Amy: He said he'll point him out to us. So you approach on foot from the south, and me and Devon will be in an unmarked car here.
Jake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Me and Devon"? Didn't you mean "Devon and I"?
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: I corrected your grammar! Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified? Are you super horny?

Seth Dozerman: So, I want to explain what happened back there. I did not have a heart attack. The doctors have informed me that I have a genetic heart condition. My aortic valve is 16% too narrow, which lowers my life expenctancy from 103 to 64.
Sergeant Jeffords: So sorry, sir. That's terrible.
Seth Dozerman: Yes, it's depressing. They also informed me that I carry the gene for webbed feet, which is interesting more than anything else. But, when you stare death in the face, like I have, it really puts in perspective. Namely that I've been wasting too much of my time farting around, so that stops now. Say goodbye to the fun, hilarious, laidback Seth Dozerman that you used to love.

Seth Dozerman: I live my life by numbers. You see this watch? It tells me how many calories I burn at any time. Question: How many calories do you think I burned walking from there to there? You, female closest to me.
Amy: Oh. Ugh. Three?
Seth Dozerman: Three? Ah, ha ha! Try zero point eight, numb nuts.

Seth Dozerman: Hello, I'm your new Commanding Officer, Captain Seth Dozerman. My motto is simple: efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.
Jake: You could probably just say it once.
Seth Dozerman: Are you making fun of my stutter?
Jake: Oh.
Seth Dozerman: Tricked you. I don't have a stutter. Boom. I've already established my authority through my amazing sense of humor.

Charles: Ugh, that's a yes. And you had sex. I can tell because you're glowing. Ugh, Jake, nobody wants to hear about your sex life.
Jake: You just asked me repeatedly.
Charles: Because I was rooting for you and Amy, but now I can see that you're super serious about this anonymous gym seductress. I'm so sorry, Amy.

Captain Holt: I came out as a gay cop in the 1980s, so it's going to take more than reassigning me to break my spirit. I'll turn this place around, just like I did the Nine-Nine.

Amy: So, how do we keep it light and breezy? I know. A comprehensive set of rules.
Jake: How am I attracted to you? Doesn't matter. I am, go.

Rosa: Why are you still playing with that stupid game, Sarge? The guy is dead.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a game. I'm following our Captain's orders.
Rosa: His orders were stupid. I hated him more than any cop I've ever know. Wow, I just realized I'm never gonna be able to say that to his face. I mean, I could say it to his wife at the funeral, but it won't be the same.

Seth Dozerman: According to your Dozer-pad, four of your colleagues have been gathered around your desk for the last ninety seconds. Also, someone named Norm Scully has been in the bathroom for the last seventy-two minutes.
Jake: Oh, yeah, that means he's about half way.

Jake: You also got a hair cut. At some point in your life, I'm sure. That's not your baby hair. That would be crazy.

Jake: Sir, we're tracking a serial killer. There's nothing better. We're living the dream.
Captain Holt: That's your dream. Mine was to run the Nine-Nine, and that will never happen again.

Rosa: Oh, my God. You friended the vulture?
Amy: Well, he's not telling us anything, so it was the only way to figure out what he likes.
Rosa: Maybe this will help. He just said his favorite color is underboob.

The Vulture: All right, sluggers. Let's see what you got for the big b-day bash.
Amy: I thought you wanted us to surprise you.
The Vulture: It's a figure of speech, Detective Stupid-ago.