Jake: Now, Kelly's stingrays can steal cell phone data from anyone, including us, so I procured special equipment for us to communicate with.
Amy: Extremely old beepers?
Jake: Yeah, they're analog, so the stingrays can't detect them.
Charles: I had one of these in high school, and it was so cool. I used to sit in math class, and you feel that buzz, and it's your dad saying he loves you. The rest of the day, you're just walking on air.

Captain Holt: Nobody's going to Staten Island.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, damn, I get it. I'll come to you.
Captain Holt: No, you're staying here at the Nine-Nine. I just talked to Madeline Wuntch. She's making a personnel change, which frees up some room in the budget.
Sergeant Jeffords: Really?
Rosa: What kind of personnel change?
Captain Holt: I told her that I'd only spent a month as a patrolman before I made detective. She said that's against regulations and has decided to rectify the situation.
Jake: Rectify it how?
[cut to Captain Holt signalling traffic in the middle of a busy intersection]

John Kelly: Oh, come on, Madeline. There's no need to gloat. Though, it does feel good. Gloaty, gloat, gloat.
Captain Holt: I knew I never should have trusted you.
Madeline Wuntch: Yes, obviously not, you dum-dum. John, you're gonna wanna remember this. Why don't you snap a photo of him?
John Kelly: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Madeline Wuntch: Why don't you get in there with him?
John Kelly: Oh, why the heck not? My kids just got me a digital picture frame.
Madeline Wuntch: All right, everybody say, "Nine-Nine."
John Kelly: Nine-Nine.
Madeline Wuntch: Mm. Raymond, I love the scowl, but could you slump your shoulders a bit more? Remember you're a man who just lost everything.

Jake: And this is rock bottom.
[On the other side of the two-way mirror:]
Madeline Wuntch: Oh, Raymond. This is sad. He's the one you think of like a son, right? Or are you closer to Santiago? Not that it matters. They're both equally going to prison.

Madeline Wuntch: You don't trust me, I don't trust you. The mission is off.
Here's your bug back. It's not an actual bug, so don't eat it, you lizard.
Captain Holt: Ha! You didn't specify the subspecies of lizard. I won that round!

Amy: Sorry. Sorry I'm late.
Captain Holt: Why is Santiago here? We agreed to keep this secret.
Jake: Well, it's hard to keep secrets when you're married to an ace detective.
Amy: He told me as soon as he got home.
Jake: I did. I'm so excited about the Suicide Squad.

Jake: Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three. Ready? One, two-
The Vulture: I don't touch other dudes' hands.
Charles: Whose hand is sticky?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It might be me. I ate a popsicle earlier.
Captain Holt: It's probably Madeline. Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.
Madeline Wuntch: You would know about roaches, you roach.
Jake: And three! Suicide Squad!

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
Jake: What the [bleep]?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: You'll never get me alive! Help! Help! Somebody call the police! Here, take her. Take her instead of me. No, don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me. Oh, it's you.
Jake: Yeah, it's us. Now, get in the van.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, okay. Help!

Jake: So we'll make a hostage video, but I don't think we should do it here. It's too nice. Do we know anyone with, like, a real creepy basement?
[cut to:]
Hitchcock: Yeah, it's just got one exposed light bulb and a couple of spent mattresses.
Jake: "Spent"? Oh, yeah. That sounds perfect.

Jake: Okay, I smoothed things over with Madeline, and she's agreed to rejoin the Suicide Squad.
Captain Holt: Oh, goody gumdrops. But do we even need her? What does she bring to the table?
Madeline Wuntch: 30 years of police experience.
Captain Holt: I have 33.
Madeline Wuntch: I earned a Police Combat Cross.
Captain Holt: I have a Medal of Honor.
Madeline Wuntch: I own the record for most arrests as a uniformed officer in NYPD history.
Captain Holt: You got me there of course, I never spent much time in uniform because I was promoted to detective after one month.
Madeline Wuntch: They're not allowed to do that. It's against the rules.
Captain Holt: It's also against the rules to let a pile of worms wear a uniform, and yet here you stand.

Charles: I have an idea. So when my dad lost his flower shop, my Aunt Bruce-
Jake: Charles, we don't have time for a weird Boyle story right now. Just tell us your idea.
Charles: We make a scary hostage video where it looks like we're gonna kill C.J.
Jake: Ooh, I love that. Wait a minute. Your dad did that to save his flower shop? Was your aunt the hostage? What happened?
Charles: You said we didn't have time.
Jake: I didn't know it was the coolest story ever.
Charles: Oh, it is.
Jake: Well then, tell the whole thing and spare no detail.
Charles: Okay, so you know how Aunt Bruce can lactate on command?
Jake: Of course.
Amy: Guys.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Guys, stop fighting. We did it. Let's just chill and play some "Madden."

Amy: Does anyone have a good lawyer?
Hitchcock: I got a divorce guy, an alimony guy, a slip and fall guy, a pizza's too hot guy.

Charles: Oh, I love seeing these glimpses of domestic Peraltiago. Now kiss.
Jake: No.
Charles: You don't do it enough.
Jake: We do it all the time, just not in front of you.
Charles: It's been a year!

Jake: Terry, come on. We're still gonna see you all the time. I promise.
Sergeant Jeffords: You'll come visit me in Staten Island?
Jake: Yeah! Or, you know, you can come to Brooklyn. There's seven of us, one of you, but we can iron out the details later.