Captain Holt: I won't give in to any of their demands. The union is powerful, but I'm sure that most of our uniformed officers understand this incident is nonsense. It is, as Peralta would say, "No big 'whoop.'"
Jake: I appreciate the shout-out, sir, but I actually don't pronounce the H in whoop.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, all the uniformed officers just left. They're staging a walkout.
Charles: Well, it seems I was wrong. The "whoop" is big after all.
Jake: It is. Again, though, there's no H in whoop. It's silent.
Captain Holt: "Whoop."
Jake: Whoop.
Captain Holt: "Whoop."
Jake: Am I crazy? How do you say it?
Charles: I say "whoop."
Jake: Okay.

Captain Holt: No, like the famed weapon of the sea, forged by the Cyclops for Poseidon himself. The trident has three prongs, like my approach.
Jake: Ah, not to interrupt, but Aquaman's trident has five prongs.
Captain Holt: That's absurd. The prefix tri means three. What this aquatic-man carries is better termed a "pentadent."
Jake: No, it's a trident. They call it that in the original theatrical release and the Snyder cut. So you're 100% wrong, and everyone's laughing at you.
Captain Holt: Well, regardless, Operation Trident has three prongs. Prong one, Boyle and Peralta.
Jake: Oh, nice, the most important prong.
Charles: Mm-hmm.
Captain Holt: Wrong. Prong two, the center prong, is the most important prong on a trident. It's the longest and straightest and breaks the least often.
Jake: Are you just mad because I questioned you about the Aquaman thing?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Captain Holt: I'm a realist. I knew I wouldn't be able to fix every problem, though I always imagined I could fix some of them. But as a realist, I can now see I haven't fixed a damn thing. The NYPD will never change.
Charles: Sir, if I may... when I thought I was dying, all I could think about was what a disappointment my life had been. But then Jake went to town with me.
Jake: Common friendship phrase.
Charles: And it helped me realize you can't focus on the things you didn't do. Focus on what you did do. And, more importantly, focus on who you did it with.
Captain Holt: Boyle, you're absolutely right.
Charles: I am? My speech turned your life around?
Captain Holt: No, I found it trite and uninspiring, but something you said resonated. Focus on the things you didn't do.
Charles: I said not to focus on the things you didn't do.
Captain Holt: Again, your speech meant nothing. I'm just picking out individual words.
Charles: Sure, sure, yeah. [snaps fingers] Hot damn. I know how to end the Blue Flu. I found a fifth prong.

Rosa: Oh, I am hungover. How you feeling?
Captain Holt: Not good at all. You were supposed to watch out for me, Diaz.
Rosa: Good news is, the heavy drinking worked. You didn't mention Kevin one time.
Captain Holt: Oh, that is an accomplishment. Unfortunately, it appears that I did think about him at least once last night.
Rosa: What do you mean?
Captain Holt: At 3:30 a.m., I seem to have sent Kevin... A digital phallus portrait.
Rosa: A digital phallus portrait? What is that? [gasps] Oh, no, you sent him a [bleep] pic.

Captain Holt: Why did I send Kevin an obscene picture?
Rosa: Relax. It's not a big deal. You were just flirting.
Captain Holt: No, if I were flirting, I would have sent him a scatter plot of educational attainment versus caloric intake in Jacobin France. This is as if I've sent him a bar graph.
Rosa: Are bar graphs bad?
Captain Holt: It reduces robust data sets to a single point. Get your head out of your ass!

Kevin: Raymond, what are you doing here?
Captain Holt: Kevin, I didn't know you were home. I came by to get a book. "The History of The Crusades: Volume Three, 1123 to 1137."
Kevin: Why did you need it?
Captain Holt: I had an urgent question.
Kevin: About what?
Captain Holt: The atabeg of Mosul.
Kevin: Jikirmish?
Captain Holt: Zengi.
Kevin: But you already know everything about Zengi.
Captain Holt: True, it was Diaz's question, um... and I was embarrassed for her.
Kevin: And what was your question, Diaz?
Rosa: I wanted to know who Zengi is.
Kevin: Yes, that is embarrassing. I can see why you tried to cover for her. Well, if that's all...
Captain Holt: It is. Uh, just Zengi.
Kevin: Just Zengi. All right, then. Goodbye.

Rosa: Hey, did Kevin seem weird to you when we told him we were only there for that book?
Captain Holt: You think he didn't believe us?
Rosa: No, he seemed sad. I think he was disappointed that you were there for the book and not for him. Maybe you should let him know you've been missing him.
Captain Holt: Huh, well, it might be worth a shot.
Rosa: What did you just do?
Captain Holt: I texted him a picture of my penis, like you suggested.
Rosa: No. Ugh! I meant for you to call him and tell him you've been thinking about him.
Captain Holt: Why didn't you say that?
Rosa: I thought it was understood.
Captain Holt: Hold on. He's writing back.
Rosa: Well, what did he say?
Captain Holt: It's a link to a graph. It's a scatter plot with a very robust data set. Well... [chuckles] That escalated quickly.

Jake: So you agree it was a setup. I have your unbridled support?
Captain Holt: My support is extremely bridled. You have circumstantial evidence at best.

Captain Holt: We're adding intimidation to the charges against you.
Jake: I know, you're both mad and disappointed.
Captain Holt: I'm neither. I'm displeased.
Jake: Is that worse?
Captain Holt: Yes. Of my 16 potential reactions, only one is stronger, and you should be thankful you've never seen me huffy.

Jake: Oh, I've never seen this face before. Wait, is that...
Captain Holt: Yes, he's made me huffy. Do you know what happens when you refuse to punish cops for their mistakes, when police are treated as a separate class of citizen above the law? It breeds a lack of trust in the community, and that lack of trust means people won't help us with our investigations or testify or even call us when they're in danger. It makes them more scared of us than of criminals and gangsters. It makes them run when we approach, even though they've done nothing wrong. It makes the people see us as the enemy, which leads to more confrontation, more distrust. You wonder how Peralta can do his job when he's held accountable for his actions? I wonder how any of us can do our job if he's not.
Frank O'Sullivan: What a bunch of bunk. The city's gonna settle. There are not gonna be any suspensions. Take the win.

Rosa: Yo. You forgot your lunch.
Captain Holt: Oh. Thank you, Diaz.
Amy: Sir, I didn't realize you were still staying at Rosa's. I thought couple's counseling was going well.
Captain Holt: Not anymore. At Kevin's request, I offered to reduce my work hours by 26%. Kevin countered with 50. Which I countered with 30. Then Kevin says 40...
Amy: Seems like a lot of math for therapy.
Captain Holt: That's what Dr. Cheryl said... which is why we fired her, and now we're working with Dr. Ramanujan. He's a physicist with a nice, concrete worldview. Anyway, Kevin refuses to budge from 36%. And I'm starting to worry that I might lose to him.
Amy: You mean lose him.
Captain Holt: No. Lose to him. Therapy is a chess match. And... I will prevail.

Rosa: Sir, if you wanna get a date off of these sites, you're gonna have to give me a little more from your profile photo.
Captain Holt: I just gave you a series of eight poses, each increasing in sexual provocativeness by one-eighth. If you wanted septiles or deciles of sexiness, you should've told me. [Amy groans] What? Why do you care so much, Santiago? I thought you didn't like the idea of me dating.
Amy: Yes, initially. But then I thought about your metaphor about how relationships are like a chess match.
Captain Holt: Mm-hmm.
Amy: And it really convinced me.
Captain Holt: That was a strong observation.
Amy: So why don't you think of this profile photo as an epic chess move?
Captain Holt: Like Vladimirov's Thunderbolt of 1987. Close the door, Diaz. I'm removing my collar stays.

Rosa: Okay, sir. This app's pretty simple. If you don't like the guy's profile, you click "dang," and if you do, you click "daaang."
Captain Holt: That sounds needlessly confusing.
Rosa: Why? "dang" is bad and "daaang" is good.
Captain Holt: Okay, let's thin this herd. Untucked shirt, no thank you. Born in San Diego, yikes. An adult named Todd? So this is what online dating is like? I didn't realize.
Amy: Realize how good you have it with Kevin?
Captain Holt: No, how it hasn't changed. You still have to pick someone based on looks and hope for a connection later. Oh, Lord, help me. I'm going for it. I'm clicking "dang."
Rosa: No. "Dang" is bad. Click "daaang."
Captain Holt: Why is this so confusing? How do I get Hot Todd back?

Captain Holt: Looking for someone?
Amy: Sir. Uh, what's going on?
Captain Holt: What's going on is that you were trying to manipulate me, but it is I who manipulated you. How does it feel to suckle from your own tainted teat?
Rosa: Not as bad as it feels to hear you say "suckle."
Amy: So you were never really going home with Todd?
Captain Holt: You actually think I would have relations with him? His watch has a cloth strap.
Todd: I really thought we had something.
Captain Holt: Wake up, Todd. I'm out of your league. You thought you could meddle in my personal life, but I was ten moves ahead the whole time. And now, checkmate.
Todd: Ooh. I love chess. Have you seen The Queen's Gambit? It's a TV show.
Captain Holt: Todd, I swear to God.

Rosa: We wanted to apologize.
Amy: And if you wanna gloat about how you outsmarted us, go ahead. We deserve it.
Captain Holt: I won't be doing any gloating. I mean, I did last night. I went home and had a drink to toast to your humiliation. But it didn't feel right, because I had no one to toast with, no one to share my glee. I had won, but I was alone. And I realized, this is exactly what I'm doing to Kevin. Trying to win therapy. And it hit me. I care so much about winning that I've lost everything.
Rosa: Tell Kevin how you feel.
Amy: It's raining. You could run to him.
Captain Holt: This is the real world, Santiago. Relationships end in unsatisfying ways every day. People don't run to each other in the rain.
Kevin: [o.s.] Raymond! Raymond Holt!
Captain Holt: Kevin?
Kevin: Raymond!