Captain Holt: I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now. I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled "Handyman fixes squeaky door, [bleep] customer."
Jake: Oh, my God.

Rosa: What am I doing?
Jake: You, Charles, and Scully will be here, distracting Kevin and making sure he doesn't know Holt's working.
Captain Holt: And who will be on Cheddar duty?
Rosa: I mean, can't we just distract him with a bone?
Captain Holt: Bone? Bone?
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: [yelling] Bone? Cheddar's not some street rat.

Justice of the Peace: We are gathered here to affirm the marriage of Raymond Holt and Kevin Cozner.
Kevin: We don't have to do this. Everyone who's not family has already gone home, and we need to hurry.
Captain Holt: No, this is important. Kevin Cozner... when we first got married, I thought of it primarily as a legal contract, which is why I memorized the entire federal tax code 301.7701-18, definitions pertaining to marriage.
Jake: And yet he can't remember Mac's name.
Captain Holt: But I finally learned what marriage really is. It's not something you can memorize or an equation you can solve for. It's the feeling you get when you look in your partner's eyes. And that feeling is all that matters. Which is why I will now purge tax code 301.7701-18 from my memory so that I will have room to remember this moment forever. It's done.
Kevin: Oh, Raymond.
Justice of the Peace: Raymond Holt, do you promise to continue to live in this marriage for richer or poorer, through sickness and in health as long as you two both shall live?
Captain Holt: I do. And, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes, yes, we're still married. We really have to go.

Rosa: Well, looks like it's gonna be a sprint out of the elevator.
Captain Holt: This is unfortunate. I didn't want to have to reveal it this early.
Jake: Reveal what this early?
Captain Holt: My most precious secret. My tattoo!
[As the elevator doors open, Captain Holt steps out, bends down and lowers his trousers]
Jake: [gasps] What am I looking at?
Amy: Is that what I think it is?
Jake: Kevin's human head on Cheddar's dog body?
Captain Holt: I asked for a tattoo of Kevin and Cheddar. I don't know why he combined them.
Jake: It's... it's...
Captain Holt: It's the ultimate distraction. [elevator doors start to close]
Jake: No, wait, wait!

Captain Holt: So, you're leaving. That must've been a hard decision.
Jake: Honestly... [looks at Amy] It wasn't.
Captain Holt: It's funny. On my first day here, I asked Jeffords to tell me about everyone. He told me you were a great detective, but the one thing you couldn't figure out was how to grow up. Well... I think you've finally figured it out.
Jake: Well, thank you, sir. I couldn't have done it without you.
Captain Holt: Over the years, you've sometimes referred to me as something of a father figure.
Jake: Did I? I didn't realize that.
Captain Holt: But I want you to know if I had had a son and, uh, he had turned out like you, I would be very proud of him.
Jake: Thank you, sir. Wow. Wasn't expecting to get this emotional.
Captain Holt: It's not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep.
Jake: [chuckles] Sir, did you just make a joke?
Captain Holt: I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie. Did I do that right?
Jake: It was perfect. [both chuckle softly]

Jake: Oh, come on, really? I'm a few minutes late so you're going to call me out in front of everyone?
Captain Holt: Good idea. Everyone? Gather around. So I can call out Peralta in front of you.

Captain Holt: Nice work, Jeffords. Nice work, Peralta.
Jake: Captain, you're doing it. You're emoting.

Captain Holt: I expect certain things from my assistant. Black ink only. No blue.
I'm not a street artist. Also, if you must knock on my door, limit yourself to two raps. If I wanted to hear inane pounding, I could go see "Stomp."

Captain Holt: Unfortunately because this case has turned out to be important, that she-skunk Madeline Wuntch has her hind quarters pointed right at it. She wants to see us in her office. No doubt to give the case to Major Crimes.

Amy: You're really gonna let these firefighters take Shaw's from us? Think of all the celebrations we've had here, all the times Terry has yelled "Nine-Nine!"
Captain Holt: I hate it when he says that. He should say, "Cheers to the Ninety-Ninth Precinct!"

Jake: I always talk about smart stuff. You know, the jazz age, what's in a name, the 1950s movies that are from the '50s.
Captain Holt: Those were the categories on Jeopardy last night.

Captain Holt: [starts playing classical music] All right, listen up.
Gina: Urgh! You're not gonna try to convince us Mahler was the original punk rocker again, are you?
Captain Holt: No, the music is a classic counter-espionage maneuver. I don't want to be overheard. But, since you mention it, Mahler was one in-your-face bad boy.

Captain Holt: Thank you, all, for joining me. I checked into your alibis. Or should I say alib-lies!

Jake: So looks like Operation: Nasty is a full-on success, huh?
Captain Holt: You mean Operation: Nasty Sex Slut.
Jake: [murmuring]
Captain Holt: Didn't you see him flirting with me?
Jake: No, I most definitely did not.
Captain Holt: Then you're a blind man and a prude to boot. Did you see his tie? A single Windsor. The easiest knot to undo. Why bother wearing any clothes at all?
Jake: I think you badly misread that interaction.
Captain Holt: Please. He did everything but lick his lips and purr. Get rid of him, and bring me someone who can keep it in their slacks.

Captain Holt: I'm happy. Our drugs task force was a success and today I get to watch my nemesis, Madeline Wuntch, drape a medal around my neck.
Rosa: Also we cleaned up the streets.
Captain Holt: Yeah, that's good too.