Captain Holt: Is everyone packed for the 28th annual Tri-State Police Officers Convention? I hear Bill Powell's giving a lecture on advances in appellate court e-filing techniques. Phew, talk about "can't miss."

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, did you throw away my sombrero restaurant?
Captain Holt: Oh, I might have knocked it in the bin by accident. I do remember saying, "Oops." Fine, I'll come clean. You're ruining our model with your frivolous garbage.

Captain Holt: Detective Peralta, can I speak to you in my childhood bedroom?
Jake: Oh, my God, yes. Wait, this isn't your bedroom.
Captain Holt: No, it's a regular room.
Jake: You tricked me.
Captain Holt: That's right. My childhood bedroom is for good detectives who aren't embarrassing themselves.
Jake: It is?
Captain Holt: I know you're having fun, but enough is enough with the prying personal questions.

Captain Holt: I know her very well, and she would never, uh, connect with someone such as yourself, no offense.
Jake: Rude.
Captain Holt: I'm sorry. What I mean is she and I are very similar.
Jake: Hurtful.
Captain Holt: All I'm saying is she's not interested in skateboards and soft-water drinks.
Jake: I happen to think you're wrong. I think she and I make a wonderful pair, and we're already becoming friends.
Captain Holt: Now that is humor.

Jake: Well, I know we're undercover, but I gotta say I'm dying to get a little tipsy at wine club and just dish with my new BFF Laverne.
Captain Holt: Hmm, it's cute you think that. My mother doesn't dish. It's one of her better qualities. And you know who else she told to call her Laverne? The mailman. The substitute mailman.

Captain Holt: Laverne Kinnebrew Holt, you're under arrest for obstruction of justice.
Both: What?
Captain Holt: I know you're sleeping with George.
Jake: Oh, come on, man.
Laverne Holt: Raymond, I can tell that you're upset.
Captain Holt: I am because you withheld information from this detective about an ongoing police investigation.
Jake: All right, I don't think this is actually about police stuff. Maybe we should all just take a deep breath and consider not arresting our moms.
Captain Holt: Fine. You're unarrested, mother. And Detective Peralta, since you two are such good friends, why don't you handle the case on your own? Good day.

Jake: Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Ah, hey, Captain. Whoa, look at that map work. Sick as heck.
Captain Holt: Oh an attempt at flattery. Well, it won't work. This was Boyle's map, and it was adequate at best.

Captain Holt: Is this seat taken? You really gonna do this, Diaz?
Rosa: My name is Rachel Weinstein. I am a graduate student on sabbatical to study birds at the University of Buenos Aires.
Captain Holt: You know, Cornell has a far better ornithology department, and it's right here in New York.
Rosa: Cornell has accused me of robbing a bank and is gonna send me to jail for 15 years.
Captain Holt: I guess we're dropping the metaphor.

Captain Holt: I want to thank you all. What an incredible moment. 30 years of struggle and sacrifice. But it was worth it, because I finally get to read the ten words I've longed to hear: "Raymond Holt, you are not the" oops. I misread the email. Didn't see the "not." So I will not be the new commissioner.

Jake: Hey, I thought piña coladas might be too festive, so I got two super-depressing coconuts filled with Merlot.
Amy: I'm not depressed. I'm relieved. For the first time all week, it's just the two of us.
Captain Holt: I'm right here. I escaped using some of the lube Boyle sent you.
It got everywhere. I had to change.

Captain Holt: I'm going to go directly to the mayor and tell him John Kelly's "vigilant policing" proposal is regressive and counter-productive, and if he implements it, I'm gonna make a big stink in the press.
Amy: Going over the commissioner and threatening the mayor, sir? Don't you think that'll piss him off?
Captain Holt: I don't give a hoot.

Captain Holt: That's enough. I don't have time for your internecine battles, and I don't give a hoot about your minor inconveniences. I am trying to fight injustice and do what is right for the entire NYPD. Understood?
Amy: Yes, milord. [Amy and Terry back out of the room, bowing]

Captain Holt: I plan on using this interview to criticize you and your policies.
John Kelly: [LAUGHING] Okay. That's your prerogative.
Captain Holt: No, don't chuckle. A frown is a more appropriate response.

Captain Holt: I don't like your threats, and I don't like the cheery manner in which you've chosen to deliver them.

Captain Holt: Really good. I don't know why you're so confident you'll win. You still don't even know the names of all the pieces. You dumbass.
Gina: Nice.