Charles: I'm glad you get your money back. You can invest it in something you actually believe in instead of my balls. Now if you'll excuse me, I have 50 pounds of meat I have to return before it goes rotten. Like my dreams.

Captain Holt: I have some unfortunate news. An NYPD officer has gone missing. The department suspects foul play.
Charles: Oh, my God. Do we know the officer?
Captain Holt: Yes, it's Sergeant Peanut Butter.
Charles: My nemesis.
Rosa: Your nemesis is a horse?
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you still mad at Peanut Butter because he won a medal the same day as you?
Charles: He totally upstaged me. He Tucci-ed me! Look what you get if you do an image search of "Charles Boyle, medal of valor." Huh? They cropped me out of my own photo!
Rosa: You just keep that tab open on your phone all the time?
Charles: No, I just looked it up real fast. You didn't see.

Charles: Reese Witherspoon is optioning the Peanut Butter story? What?

Kevin: What do you all have planned for Turkey day?
Charles: Well, I've got a great Thanksgiving planned. Nikolaj has taken to food just like his papa, so I'm making an exotic spread. If it can fly or swim, we're eating its eggs.

Jake: May I present to you the finest RV that not much money can buy: The American Creeper.
Captain Holt: No one should have to suffer like this for me.
Charles: Suffer? This is a dream come true. It's a cross-country road trip. My dad and I took one every summer. You blast the "Annie" soundtrack, and you eat junk food, and you bond over secrets.

Charles: But we're too late to drive, and there's no available flights.
Jake: That's what I thought, but on the way here, we passed the town of Jacksboro. I knew I recognized it from somewhere.
Charles: Where? Sorry, are you monologuing, or is this a call-and-response thing?
Jake: No, that was great. Now, I order a lot of beef jerky online, 'cause I'm a cool guy with cool interests, and it's always shipped from Jacksboro, Texas.
There's a huge fulfillment center there.
Charles: There is?
Jake: Yes, Charles. I called them, and they ship their packages out of a regional airport.
Charles: They do?
Jake: That's too much. Maybe back off a little bit.

Jake: Passenger planes don't fly out of Jacksboro, but thing planes do!
Sergeant Jeffords: You mean cargo planes?
Jake: Yes, thank you.
Charles: Terry gets to interject?

Jake: We still have time. Maybe there's a way to get Kyle back in with his family. Like, what if-
Charles: Ooh, Jake's wheels are turning. Your brain baby is crowning.
Captain Holt: Boyle, please. That's disgusting.
Jake: No, it's helping. I am having a brain baby.
Captain Holt: Then push, man, push.
Jake: Breathe.
Captain Holt: You can do this. You are so strong.

Jake: We did it. We reunited a family. Is this what it feels like to be Oprah?
Charles: You wish.

Charles: You're gonna stay locked up in a safe house, away from us for two months? That's going to be brutal.
Gina: You just said it was nothing.
Charles: Brutal for me, Gina.

Charles: I love this. I feel like Ellen watching her producers go through a haunted house.

Charles: Gina, you're up.
Gina: Okay, but I'm not calling you chef, and you're not yelling at me.
Charles: Mm-hmm.
Gina: There you go.
Charles: Ah, thank you. No slope! A nice, straight cut! Thank you.
Gina: I felt good 'cause the knife-
Charles: But you smushed the bread! It's too smushy! Again.

Charles: Can you guys forgive me? Please?
Amy: Of course, Charles. But we will never work for you again.
Charles: Yeah, that's a smart move. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. I can't control when Nana comes out.

Jake: Charles, I need your help. What's the best way to dry out a pant leg that's been soaked in toilet water?
Charles: Wait 28 minutes. Trust me, that's how long it takes for toilet pants to dry.

Jake: Charles, no. We're gonna go down to that office and fight this thing. I need that money for my honeymoon.
Charles: Oh, my God. The honeymoon is on the line?
Jake: And your money.
Charles: Eh.
Jake: Okay, great. Whatever gets you onboard.
Charles: For the honeymoon and no other reason.