Jake: I gotta say, the suit is growing on me.
Doug Judy: Looks good.
Jake: Is it triple-breasted somehow?
Doug Judy: There's no such thing.
Jake: What about the girl in total recall?
Doug Judy: Mmm. Triple bitties.

Jake: We need evidence, so get him talking. Ask questions about money, cars, specifics.
Doug Judy: I'm getting kind of nervous, man. This dude is for real. You sure you got everything covered?
Jake: Yeah. There's a body on the back door, eyes on the side door, and two guys out on the corner. You're gonna be fine.
Doug Judy: What about choppers? You got choppers? With snipers and rockets?
Jake: No one has rocket choppers. Although that does sound amazing.

Jake: Doug Judy, can you hear me? Say something to test the wire.
Doug Judy: Hey, Diaz. After we put the cuffs on this guy, I'll be free for dinner. You like spaghetti? And weed?
Jake: The mic works.

Doug Judy: Yeah, don't bother looking for me. I'm in the wind.
Jake: If you're close enough for me to hear you, you're close enough for me to catch you.
Doug Judy: Nah, I got a relay set up, brother.

Jake: So if you're the Pontiac bandit, who's this joker?
Doug Judy: A couple of years ago you were getting really close, so I started telling all my associates if they ever get caught, they should describe me as- [cut to:]
Associate #1: Asian dude, 5'8", spiky hair.
Associate #2: Wears diamond earrings and has a-
Associate #3: British accent.
[back:]
Jake: So then you hired a guy who matched that exact description.
Doug Judy: No, no, no, no, no, no. That's my barber Norman Lee. He gave me the idea.
Norman Lee: You know, if you can't come in, I do house calls. You just text me a location and I could be there in half an hour.
Doug Judy: Good to know.

Jake: Doug Judy, you're under arrest. Put your hands in the air.
Doug Judy: Hey, Rosa. Merry Christmas, girl.

Doug Judy: Hoo-hoo! Did you see the menu? Lobster thermidor. Baked Alaska. It's so fancy, it don't even sound like food.

Doug Judy: And, Rosa, you could be my wife... Rosa.
Rosa: Why would you take your wife with you to meet a drug dealer?
Doug Judy: 'Cause we're partners in everything we do.
Jake: Aw.

Doug Judy: Bye bye, Peralta. Here's your GPS.
Jake: No! Ha-ha, I got you!
Doug Judy: Yeah, you did, but your boy Tito's getting away.
Jake: Damn it! Damn you, Doug Judy!
Doug Judy: I'll never forget you, Dante Thunderstone!

Rosa: Hey, so I checked again. Doug Judy still hasn't surfaced.
Jake: Yeah, he has. He just sent me this.
Doug Judy: [in video] What's up, Peralta? Greetings from paradise. Actually, I'm a little disappointed in the hotel. How do you mess up an omelet? It's just a flat egg.
Jake: He pretty much just talks about the omelet for the next ten minutes, but...
Doug Judy: About my escape. This is my associate Kyle. He drove the garbage truck. You may also remember him as the room service waiter I had you tip so generously.
Rosa: Son of a bitch.
Jake: Yup, and when he ordered the lobster, it was code for Kyle to follow him.
Doug Judy: Anyway, tell Diaz she loves me. Merry Christmas!

Doug Judy: Hey, you wanna try out the Smush Shush?
Jake: What? You have one with you?
Doug Judy: I take it everywhere, baby.
Jake: Yeah, there it is. So it's noise canceling? [groans] It's so heavy. It's crushing my bones.
Doug Judy: Yeah, that was the Shark's problem with it, too.
Jake: I can't breathe. Get it off me. Get it off me.
Doug Judy: Yeah, you sound exactly like Barbara right now. Disappointed in you, Jake.

Jake: Look, I can be cool. As long as nobody commits any major crimes in front of me.
Doug Judy: It's not a problem. We don't have to break the law to have fun. We gonna have some drinks, smoke some Cubans, eat a steak, either crazy big or crazy small, whichever's more expensive.

Jake & Doug Judy: [singing karaoke] And you know It ain't fiction Just a natural fact Ooh We come together 'Cause opposites attract
Doug Judy: No applause? Wow.

Chuck: I say we tie this NARC up, leave him to starve, and disappear with the diamonds.
Jake: Chuck.
Doug Judy: We're not doing that.
Jake: Thank you.
Doug Judy: It'll ruin my bachelor party.
Jake: That's your issue with it?
Doug Judy: I put a lot of work into this weekend. I got us all shirts that say, "Doug's Dudes."

Jake: And then when I was hidden in the cart, I called the cops.
Trudy Judy: Mm, impossible. I would've heard you.
Doug Judy: Not with the Smush Shush!
[flashback to Jake hiding in the housekeeping cart:]
Jake: This is Jake Peralta. I'm a detective with the NYPD. [groans] Foot cramp, foot cramp.
[present:]
Doug Judy: First of all, how dare you! Second of all, would you call Barbara Corcoran and tell her this product is not useless?
Jake: I don't know her.