Quote from the episode Halloween II
Jake: Scully and Hitchcock, I'm just gonna call you your real names so you don't get confused.
Scully: Smart.
Hitchcock: (Confused) What?
Quote from the episode Four Movements
Hitchcock: Hey. Never seen you burning stuff at the bum barrel before. Right on.
Rosa: What was in there, Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: Eh, eh, eh. First rule of the bum barrel: never ask somebody what they're burning.
Quote from the episode Ransom
Hitchcock: Can you believe this, Scully? Looks like we're the only responsible people who show up on time anymore.
Scully: And they're always calling us lazy, but where are they now? I don't see them.
Hitchcock: [clapping] They're not here.
Scully: But you know who is? Hitchcock and Scully.
Hitchcock: The oafs.
Scully: The bozos.
Hitchcock: The...
Jake: Idiots! What are you doing here? The building's being fumigated. There were so many emails.
Scully: There were? We didn't... [passes out]
Hitchcock: Lightweight.
Jake: That's your takeaway?
Quote from the episode Johnny and Dora
Jake: Who do you think it's gonna be?
Sergeant Jeffords: I've no idea.
Hitchcock: I bet it's me. I just hope I'm ready.
Quote from the episode The Honeypot
Hitchcock: Did someone say to take off our slacks?
Jake: No, not even close.
Hitchcock: Oh. Well, keep me posted. My dogs are barking.
Jake: What dogs?
Quote from the episode He Said, She Said
Captain Holt: Now due to the sensitive subject matter, I think it makes sense to partner Peralta with-
Hitchcock: Me? Because I'm the best at sex?
Captain Holt: No, Hitchcock. In fact, you know what? This isn't your week. Why don't you take a few days off?
Hitchcock: Sweet! Have fun working, cucks!
Quote from the episode The Mattress
Hitchcock: Oh, if you want calm, there's some ludes in evidence, if anybody would ever let me get them out.
Quote from the episode Admiral Peralta
Amy: Wait. This is good. There was a witness who saw everything. Identified the thief, they even described the getaway car down to a dent in the right bumper. We're golden.
Rosa: Yeah, but Hitchcock and Scully forgot to write down the witness' name or contact info.
Amy: What? No, that's insane. Even they wouldn't do something that dumb.
[later:]
Hitchcock: Dumb? Excuse me. I don't need this crap. I could be on the beach in Figi right now.
Quote from the episode A Tale of Two Bandits
Captain Holt: My God. Hitchcock, are you the only person still making sense?
Hitchcock: Yeah. It's bad.
Quote from the episode Trying
Hitchcock: Oh, come on. It's like every woman in this city has all of her teeth. Stupid Bloomberg and his stupid soda ban!
Quote from the episode Hitchcock & Scully
Charles: So you did take the cash. You just didn't keep it. You gave it to her.
Scully: We come down here and check on her periodically.
Hitchcock: Yeah, we never spoke, but if she put an extra wing in our slut bucket, it meant everything was okay.
Charles: Wait, so I was right. Hitchcock and Scully are good people.
Hitchcock: You bet your nips we are, skid mark.
Quote from the episode Trying
Jake: Congratulations, Hitchcock, it's the first wedding I've ever been to with a cover charge.
Hitchcock: It's for our honeymoon. We're going to Barbados, and we'll have the island all to ourselves, because it's Dengue Fever season.
Amy: But your wife is pregnant.
Hitchcock: You can't live in fear. Don't want to spend every moment worried about Dengue or black mold or those weird spots on the MRI they found on your brain.
Amy: Hitchcock, is your brain okay?
Hitchcock: The point is: I don't care.
Quote from the episode Ava
Jake: Hey, you guys came.
What about all the paperwork?
Amy: We got it all in. Filed 900 forms by hand in under 12 hours. It was tough, but worth it.
We wouldn't have missed this.
Charles: Also, we had to go to the ER anyway. Hitchcock's arm was mangled by the tube.
Hitchcock: I'm in unspeakable pain.
Quote from the episode House Mouses
Hitchcock: Wait a minute. If you get killed, what happens to all your debt? Loophole!
Quote from the episode The Set Up
Pizza Delivery Guy: Pizza delivery for Jake Peralta.
Jake: Oh, that's me. I didn't order a pizza, though. Someone must know I've been having a hard day.
Pizza Delivery Guy: You've been served.
Jake: What? Come on!
Hitchcock: [on video call] Been there, brother. What did you get served?
Jake: Oh, you. I'm being sued for wrongful arrest.
Hitchcock: No, I don't care about that. I'm talking pizza toppings. The District Court does a great pepperoni.
Jake: You know what? Why are you even talking to me? Scully's taking a nap. What are you doing on there?
Hitchcock: I miss my old role in the Nine-Nine... Hitchcock, the wise sage, always helping people through their troubles.
Jake: That was never your role.
Showing quotes 61 to 75 of 207. Sort by popularity | date added | episode