Jake: Now if you'll excuse me, I got to drive this Bee-otch back to work.
Captain Holt: What?
Jake: Oh, sorry. This is the Ikura Bee-otch 5,000. Brand-new model. Just came in. I was gonna go for the 10,000, but that Bee-otch is way too fancy.

Sergeant Jeffords: Twain? Terry doesn't want a twained ticket to "Kwazy Kupcakes."
Charles: That's not how tickets work.
Sergeant Jeffords: You'd just be ruining them.
Charles: None of us would get in.
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you dumb?
Jake: No! All right, full disclosure. I was trying to do that Bible thing and then one of you was gonna take the high road and say that rather than see the tickets destroyed, you would just bow out, and then that person was gonna get the tickets.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope. If I don't get them, no one does.
Charles: Agreed. Boyles or bust. Cut them up.
Jake: [sighs] I'm not gonna do that. I'm just gonna have to think of another way to figure this out. Stupid Bible with stupid lessons never solved crap!

Charles: Did you see those tears? No way he did it.
Jake: Are you serious? Anyone can fake cry. You just have to think of something sad. Like that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when Leonardo was in a coma.
Charles: And that works?
Jake: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Jake: Okay, I'll say that I'm a businessman from Moscow named Ilya. (Attempts a Russian accent) "I make millions from selling snow boots." That was more just to show off the accent. I'm not wedded to the snow boots thing.

Jake: All right, Bob. You want to play hardball? Good. Word on the street is, you like jazz.
Bob Annderson: I don't just like jazz; I'm fond of it.
Jake: I don't understand the difference.

Sergeant Jeffords: [sarcastically] Oh, no. I don't get to compete for a bunch of stones that were in a dog's butt. What will I do?
Jake: I'll have you know that a dog's butt is cleaner than a human's mouth.
Sergeant Jeffords: That can't be true.
Jake: Well, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth, and dog mouths lick dog butts, so you tell me where my theory is wrong.
Captain Holt: He has no comeback.

Jake: Just remember we can't ruin Captain Holt's vacation high, so no one say anything that'll upset him. Oh, no, what are those morons doing in there?
Sergeant Jeffords: Maybe it's not that bad; maybe they didn't upset him.
Jake: What'd you do? What'd you say?
Hitchcock: Nothing. We just said, "Welcome back."
Scully: And laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France.
Jake: No!

Amy: I think it's cute. You're like an idealistic grad student.
Jake: Ah, you like that? You want me to tell you about the time that I backpacked through the Netherlands?
Amy: Ooh, did you fold all your stuff up really small to fit into one carry-on?
Jake: Is that what you want me to have done?

Captain Holt: So, [sighs] after you and Robert fought-
Philip Davidson: Talked.
Captain Holt: You left the office, but you didn't take your car?
Philip Davidson: I went to a bar, The Scotchman. I didn't want to drive drunk, so I took a cab.
Captain Holt: And you didn't have your phone?
Philip Davidson: I left it charging in my office and I didn't realize till I was already out of the building.
Jake: Oh, man, if I go ten minutes without looking at my phone, my pumpkin crop dies on my little farm.
Captain Holt: This is not the time for stories about your digital squash, Peralta.

Amy: You know what your butt hates? Making any sort of sacrifice for us, because it's not serious about this relationship.
Jake: Okay, first of all, my butt is so serious it should be wearing spectacles.

Amy: My butt is totally serious.
I've made all kinds of changes.
I bought orange soda for you.
Jake: Okay, for the last time, Orangina is not orange soda.
Amy: Yeah, because it's better.
Jake: Uh, okay, now you're just being crazy.

Jake: Judy wasn't lying. That's Halloway. We gotta arrest him.
Doug Judy: Jake, he's running.
Jake: Come on, man.
Dennis Cole: Only if I get the collar and 100% of the credit.
Jake: Are you negotiating right now?
Dennis Cole: Always.
Jake: Okay, that was actually a really cool thing to say. All right, let's do it.

Jake: Okay. I know you're mad, but before you say anything, yes, we screwed up. And yes, you warned us. And yes, I don't know where I'm going with this. But I do know this: I have reached the end of my sentence.

Scully: Found it. Here.
Charles: "Don't tell me where the next clue is hidden, tell me why."
Amy: "Tell me why." From that time Jake made the perp sing that song.
Jake: Wait a minute, you guys know about that? Were any of you actually there?
Rosa: You've told us the story many times.
Captain Holt: And tried to recreate the moment on several occasions.
[flashback:]
All: ♪ Working at the car wash ♪
Jake: No, number two and five, you're off key. Number three, you're coming in way too early. I mean, what are we even doing here, guys? [to the witness] So which one do you think killed your family?
[present:]
Jake: Yeah, I got to stop trying to recapture the magic of the original and move on. Anyways, back to the eighth annual heist.

Jake: So you risked everything to get me and Rosa out of prison? Oh, my God.
You did all of this for us? [EXHALES] I love you, Da-aptain. Daptain. It's the cool new way of saying Captain. It's from the world of hip-hop. Love you.