Jake: Why does the ceiling hate me?

Charles: Uh, wait, where's Jake?
Amy: Well, there's a TV cart suspiciously in the middle of the room, that ceiling tile's out of place, and he said he was going to hide somewhere reckless, so I'm guessing he's up there.
Jake: That's right, Amy. I'm in the ceiling. Unlike you boring, old fogies, I found the craziest... [Jake and half the ceiling crashes to the floor] Don't worry. My bones and ribs broke my fall.

Sergeant Jeffords: Anyways, you're in charge for the day.
Jake: Oh, boy. Here comes the lecture. "Be responsible, Jake. Don't do anything crazy or fun."
Sergeant Jeffords: There's no lecture. I trust you.
Jake: But there always used to be a lecture.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, well, you're not the same immature, rebellious kid you used to be. Didn't you and Amy just buy a family-friendly midsize sedan?
Jake: In a rebellious color, champagne, which is an alcohol. And let's not forget, I wanted to have sex in your office just now.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, to have a baby and become a father!
Jake: Yeah, he turned it around on me.

Amy: Jake, will you join me in Terry's office?
Jake: Oh, private rendezvous, huh? This whole trying to make a baby thing has got you super freak- Hey, Terry! What's up, dude?
Amy: What did you think was happening?
Sergeant Jeffords: He clearly thought you were gonna have secret sex in here.
Jake: What? Inappropes, much? I did not think that. Amy did. She texted me about it. See? Proof. Anyway, what's up, Lieutenant?

Dr. Jones: Detectives, good to see you again.
Jake: Oh, I see, the villain playing it cool when confronted by the good guys, just like Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men." [off their confusion] Do you guys only watch kids' movies?

Gabby Sholah: The bullet went through your friend's shoulder. He should be fine, although he does keep asking me if we do the "Face/Off" surgery here.
Jake: And what'd you tell him?
Gabby Sholah: That we don't.
Jake: Right. [to Charles] She's hiding something.
Charles: Obviously.

Jake: It's happening again. Rosa, Rosa, Hitchcock fell asleep in the break room. I pranked him. I tied his shoelaces together.
Rosa: You're 38 years old, dude.
Jake: I know, and yet my pranks still stay so fresh. It's incredible.
Rosa: You gotta untie his shoes before he gets hurt.
Jake: Look, seriously?
Rosa: Seriously.
Jake: Fine. But what's the worst thing that could happen?
Scully: He's being strangled to death!
Jake: How?

Sergeant Jeffords: What are you guys doing here?
Jake: What do you mean? We're going to the party.
Amy: You said you weren't coming. You said that Captain Kim was a Trevor and that she only invited us to earn our trust so she could have sex with our mom.
Sergeant Jeffords: It was very confusing.
Jake: I never said that. But it's not confusing. I mean, our "mom" is obviously the precinct, and Captain Kim having sex with the precinct is actually her teaming up with Madeline Wuntch to destroy it. It's a perfect analogy, which I never used.

Jake: All right, I'm seeing security cameras. I need all that footage. I need forensics to run a full sweep of Hey, what are all these civilians doing here? Who's responsible for securing the area, who screwed this up?
Officer Debbie Fogle: Hi, I'm Officer Debbie Fogle. I'm so sorry, my partner's on crowd control. I don't know where he went. It's his first week on the job, so he's still learning the ropes.
Jake: All right, listen, Fogle. We have a councilman in the hospital and his shooter is still at large. We don't have time for this incompetence. I want your partner off the case, what's his name?
Captain Holt: It's Raymond Holt.
Jake: Oh! It's Dad. I mean, Captain Holt! I mean, Captain Dad. I mean, Officer Holt. I mean, Officer Dad. Yep, that was it. Officer Dad, I found it.

The Vulture: Hey, Peralta. I got it from here.
Jake: All right, fine. I'll just go then- With this fully signed confession. We did it, Gus!
Gus: Whoo! Suck it, Vulture. I killed that guy and his neighbor, but you were too late.
Jake: Whoo! Wait, you killed his neighbor?

Jake: So how much blood do you usually have in your mouth when you do this?
Sergeant Jeffords: None.

Sergeant Jeffords: Diaz, Santiago, the Command Tent's on the northeast corner. We need to work fast. The mayor's only given us five hours until the barricades are lifted.
Charles: Five hours? Tell him the Manhunter only needs one.
Jake: Love that, but I'm gonna keep it at five. It's already way too little time.

Jake: We gotta start brainstorming headlines for tomorrow's paper.
Charles: I got one. "The Only Assassin in this City is Jake Peralta Because He Just Killed This Case."
Jake: I don't know if we want to make it seem like I'm the assassin.
Charles: Yeah, good thinking.
Jake: How about this, "Hero Cop Saves City, "Pitt, Clooney Circling To Play Him In Biopic."

Captain Holt: Detective. I believe I owe you an apology.
Jake: No, Officer, I owe you one.
Captain Holt: No, I owe you.
Jake: Great, 'cause I hadn't thought of what I was gonna apologize for yet.
Captain Holt: I should not have disobeyed your order. I was wrong. Not about the case, of course, my hunch was impeccable.
Jake: Interesting apology strategy, a little heavy on the brags.

Jake: Well, I know she committed a crime, but she's clearly in over her head. I don't think she's actually a bad person.
Rosa: She's a grown-up who made her own decisions, and now she has to suffer the consequences.
Jake: You might not get it, but personally, I relate to someone who made a mistake and can't find their way out of it. When I was younger, I was thoroughly hoodwinked by the so-called good people at Columbia CD Club. Next thing you know, I had 16 copies of Blind Melon's first album.