Amy: Ugh. I can't believe they're pregnant and we're not. How did they do it?
Jake: They got drunk and had sex in a public park next to a skunk. Hitchcock sent me a very long text with a lot of details in it. I think it was meant for Scully.
Amy: Ugh, the world is officially upside down.
Jake: Wait a minute. Maybe that's it. We tried getting pregnant The Jake Way; We tried The Amy Way. Maybe it's time we tried it... The Hitchcock Way.
Amy: What's The Hitchcock Way?
Jake: In every situation, make the worst possible choice.

Walter Peralta: Wow, it's really been quite a while, huh?
Jake: Yeah.
Walter Peralta: Are you still watching those cartoons about the karate lizards?
Jake: The "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"? I am. There was recently a reboot. They did some interesting things with Splinter and Krang's backstories.

Jake: Sure, anyways, I know some of the best cops in the city are gonna be on that task force, and I would appreciate it if you'd consider me for it. Here's my résumé. And I thought it would be fun if I rapped it. [off Holt's look] But then I realized that would be a terrible idea, so I just wrote it down normally. It'll probably rhyme a lot on accident. Try not to focus on that.
Captain Holt: "Jake Peralta is age 39, but professionally, he's still in his prime..."
Jake: [chuckles]
Captain Holt: "If you ask me, he's New York's fine... est. Charles enters."
Charles: [rapping] Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat, Chucky B with the burner Raining hot fire!
Jake: Charles, it's not a rap. It never was. Everyone's professional here. Not the lyrics we discussed either.

Jake: Well lucky for you, I have a long past in heist planning. It's how I proposed to my wife.
Doug Judy: That's a great story. Makes me cry every time.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Well, I guess I'll tell it. You see, once a year, at Halloween... I can tell that I'm losing the room. I'll just move on.

Chuck: Pilot says we're starting our descent.
Doug Judy: Then let's get changed, boys!
Jake: Changed? But these are my coolest clothes. I got them from a targeted Instagram ad after looking at photos of Cam Newton.

Rosa: Calm down, Jake. Maybe it's a small wedding.
Jake: Okay, good point. How big is the venue, Shane? I said how big is the venue?
Shane Reed: I... I... I don't know!
Jake: I... I... I... I don't know! But I bet you do know the password to the wedding website, don't you?
Shane Reed: Yeah, I guess.
Jake: Well, then I guess you better tell it to me, Shane. You wash my back, I'll wash yours.
Rosa: Wash?
Jake: I meant scratch. You know I meant scratch. Now tell me the password.
Shane Reed: I think it's "dougandkateforever."
Jake: There, was that so hard, Shane? You did the right thing. Now get this piece of trash out of my sight. Oh, is forever spelled out, or is it the number four?
Shane Reed: Oh, it's spelled out.
Jake: Okay, thank you so much. Now get this piece of trash out of my sight!

Rosa: That's Shane Reed. Suspect in a string of B&Es. Got pulled over this morning. This was in his trunk.
Jake: Son of a bitch!
Rosa: Peralta... Peralta, calm down.
Shane Reed: Why am I here? I didn't do anything.
Jake: You broke into 15 houses, Shane, but that's not what I care about right now. All I care about is what we found in your car.
Shane Reed: I don't understand.
Jake: He doesn't understand, Diaz. Why don't you fill him in?
Rosa: "You are invited to celebrate the wedding of Katherine Joyner and Douglas Judy."
Jake: Douglas Judy, AKA Doug Judy, AKA, the Pontiac Bandit.
Shane Reed: Maybe.
Jake: That's a yes. Now tell me, Shane, when did you get the invite?
Shane Reed: What?
Jake: When did you receive the invite in the mail and how come I didn't get one?
Shane Reed: Why would you get an invite? Do you know Doug?
Jake: Hey, I'm the one asking the questions here!

Jake: Hey, want some cake? I got a piece with a heart on it, which I now realize is a butt.
Amy: I'm good. Thanks.
Jake: So listen. I've been thinking about what you said this morning... And it has been a really hard couple of months.
Amy: I'm sorry I'm bad at making babies.
Jake: Hey, hey, don't say that. It's not your fault. And look, for all we know, I could have-
Amy: Don't say you have bum nards.
Jake: I wasn't- I wasn't gonna.

Amy: Okay, what the hell. Nothing else is working. Let's try it The Hitchcock Way.
Jake: All right, so first move: Get hammered. [grunts] Drink up.
Amy: Uh, these are someone else's. There's lipstick on mine.
Jake: Yeah, there's a cigarette in mine. But we're doing things The Hitchcock Way, so bottoms up!
Amy: All right.

Jake: Debbie, I'm not like Rosa. Here, check my phone. I haven't been texting the Nine-Nine. I have nothing to hide.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I don't know, there are a lot of sweet messages between you and Amy. I thought you said she stinks like [bleep].
Jake: She does.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Prove it. Describe her stink to me. Don't think about it, just say it.
Jake: Bad mayo, three-day-old macaroni salad.

Rosa: Right, well, I'm gonna let the Nine-Nine know we're looking for you, you know, so those idiots don't think we broke you out.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Ooh, you think they're idiots?
Jake: Oh, yeah, big time. I mean, Holt's a blowhard, Jeffords is all brawn, no brains, Boyle's a laughing stock, Amy's just the worst. I mean, she thinks she's so smart and so pretty and she makes me feel good about the world and my place in it, and she [Rosa clears her throat] smells like [bleep]. We've all smelled her.

Jake: Nucci is the real bad guy, here. And you heard Debbie, she's only doing this to get the money for her dad's surgery.
Rosa: There are other ways to get money. She could've gone to a bank.
Jake: Right. And she's white. She definitely would've gotten approved. Terrific point.
Rosa: That's not what I was saying.
Jake: Ah, we were both thinking it.

Jake: Ah, great note, Debbie. The point is we all think Mr. Bean is sexy as hell and wish we looked exactly like him.
Officer Debbie Fogle: You're closer than you think.
Jake: Hm?

Jake: I gotta say, I'm loving these. I always wanted to wear Hammer pants.
Amy: Stop.
Jake: Hammer time?
Amy: No. Stop joking around. You're wearing those pants to keep your testicles away from your body's warm core so your sperm don't overheat.
Jake: Well, I am loving the breeze. I feel like I'm 83.

Amy: Here's a list of everything you cannot eat while we are trying to conceive.
Jake: No more nachos? Even if they're in a novelty baseball helmet?
Amy: No.
Jake: Whoa, this is serious.
Amy: We will adhere to a strict exercise regimen and sleep schedule. Also, no more video games, because they cause stress and they raise your heart rate.
Jake: More stress than being a police officer?
Amy: Jake, I've seen you play "Mario Party."
[flashback:]
Jake: Wario cheats!
[back:]
Jake: I'm just saying, Wario cheats. It's a stupid game.