Jake: So we got off to a bad start there with the bees and Kevin rolling down the hill, and then, of course, the second swarm of bees, but we're good now, right? Can you guys hear me? You keep moving away from me for some reason.
Kevin: Ugh, I wish a bee would sting me in both ears right now so they'd seal shut as well.
Jake: What was that? I couldn't hear you! I'll just assume you said, "Keep going." Anyways, yeah, I just figured if I could get you guys together, I could create a magical moment. But of course, we now know that magic doesn't exist.

Captain Holt: Prong three is proving they faked the mouse in the burrito. If we can demonstrate this was a media stunt, the uniforms will have to come back to work. But this investigation must be done unofficially with an investigator from outside the NYPD, aka Rosa Diaz.
Jake: It's a good idea, but she's not gonna like being one of those dinky side prongs.
Captain Holt: That's a good point. I'll make hers the sharpest. Dismissed.
Jake: What? No! I want to be a sharp prong! That's not fair!

Captain Holt: Ah, what are we gonna do?
Jake: All right, look, there's one number I still have memorized that could help, my middle school friend Mikey J.'s old landline.
Captain Holt: Do you have any reason to believe that Mikey J. still resides there?
Jake: Well, we were in a ska band together in high school, so I'm thinking the odds are good.

Jake: And this golden vessel is from the precinct's old pneumatic tube system. It's been outfitted with a time-release lock set for midnight. Whoever has the medal at that time will be the winner. [pneumatic tube whooshing] Now, let the Last Day Heist begin.
[flashback:]
Amy: It's an amazing plan, babe.
Jake: Thank you very much. And everyone's gonna be so shocked when they find out the big surprise: that I'm leaving the Nine-Nine.
Amy: What did you just say?
Jake: Yeah.

Jake: For the final heist, we will all be competing for this.
Captain Holt: Is that my medal of valor from the very first heist?
Jake: It is modeled after it, yes, but this far more meaningful.
Captain Holt: I got mine for saving the life of Maya Angelou.
Jake: Boring! This one says Grand Champion on it and it's made out of golt, a non-gold alloy that should not be handled by women who are pregnant or nursing. Yours is garbage.

Charles: Wait, if Terry's out, that means...
Jake: Oh, yeah. It's you and me, buddy.
[flashback:]
Amy: But I don't get it. Why don't you want us to be on the same team?
Jake: Because, Amy, no one can know that we're working together.
Amy: Smart. And Charles will never be suspicious because he'll be so excited to be your teammate.
Jake: Yeah, that sweet little dumbass.

Jake: Okay! We're gonna start off in teams. I'm sure everyone could use the extra help since this year's heist was so spur of the moment and no one had time to plan anything too complicated.
[flashback: 12 days before the heist:]
Jake: This year's plan is insanely complicated. Check it out.
[present:]
Jake: We will be selecting our partners with the help of a beloved Nine-Nine fixture, the big bag of loose teeth.
Rosa: What the hell?
Amy: Are those human?
Jake: It's evidence from a century of bar brawls. The story of New York is in this bag.
Sergeant Jeffords: The story of New York is gross.
Jake: Yeah, Terry, we live in a hell-mouth. Now, in this bag is a tooth with each of your initials on it. Who wants to root around inside and pick a partner?
Rosa: I'm not putting my hand in a bag of dirty, old teeth.
Jake: It's not dirt, it's old blood and dried phlegm. Who's in? No one? Are you really all that squeamish?
[flashback:]
Jake: Of course they're all that squeamish. It's part of my plan. I'll volunteer to reach into the bag so I can rig the selection process using...
this magnet. Pretty dope, right? I've also added metal fillings to certain teeth to ensure we get the pairings that we want.

Jake: Now since there have never been an official two-time heist winner...
Rosa: I won three times.
[Jake, Holt and Amy all shout at once]
Jake: One, at best!

Amy: Jake, I'm serious. I don't know if I can do this job and still be an equal parent. I mean, who's gonna pick up Mac on the odd days? And who's gonna bathe him on the even days? And who's gonna do the cooking? And who's gonna figure out...
Jake: Ames, we'll figure all that stuff out.
Amy: How can you be so sure?
Jake: I just know.

Captain Holt: The ceremony's about to start and O'Sullivan's about to come home and catch us. It seems the reform proposal is as dead as my marriage.
Jake: I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I was so desperate for us to have one last cool case together that I forced you into this.
Captain Holt: [sighs] No, Jake. The truth is... I enjoyed it. I had fun being Maxwell Maxwell.
Jake: Yes. I knew it was a good idea.
Captain Holt: And I hate myself for it.
Jake: Damn it. I interjected too soon.
Captain Holt: It makes me scared that... I'm not ready to retire, no matter how much I want to for Kevin's sake. I mean, clearly, there's a part of me that still wants to work cases. What if I'm making the wrong choice?
Jake: It's completely understandable that you would feel that way. You've devoted your whole life to this. It's who you are. But you're also Kevin's husband.
Captain Holt: What would you do?
Jake: [sighs] I'm not sure. But I know that when things are hard, I talk them through with Amy. And just being with her, looking into her eyes, everything that seemed so complicated becomes simple. And then... I just know.

Jake: [on the phone] Come on, Mrs. Joseph. I was at your house all the time. Remember, you caught us wearing your bras so we could practice unclasping them? Hello. Hello. [puts down receiver] Ugh. What? You have no idea what it's like taking bras off. You had it so easy growing up gay.

Captain Holt: We can't tell her. Things aren't settled. The brass is having a closed-door meeting today about our reform proposal, but apparently, the union is gonna claim that we fudged our numbers.
Jake: That's crazy. Amy would never fudge numbers. She loves numbers. Sometimes I think she loves them more than me. Stupid numbers, think they're so great. I'd love to see numbers give you a baby.

Captain Holt: What? This isn't correct. Somebody changed these since last night.
Jake: Wait. I bet O'Sullivan hacked into the system. Do you know what this means?
Captain Holt: They're trying to kill...
Jake: Jake and Holt...
Captain Holt: Police reform.
Jake: Have a final case. Yep. Mm-hmm. Two equally important sets of stakes.

Charles: He claims you messed with the numbers? That son of a bitch.
Amy: I would never fabricate numbers. I love numbers.
Jake: Numbers can't be a father to your child, Amy.

Captain Holt: Anyway, I already have a cool final case that I'm working on: the police reform proposal that Santiago and I have been toiling over for these past six months.
Jake: Oh, my God, I didn't even think about Amy. She's gonna be devastated.
Captain Holt: Which is why I made sure she wasn't here when I told you. I need Santiago laser-focused on this proposal. We can tell her after we turn the report in. Hopefully, you can keep the news to yourselves for now.
Jake: Sir, she's my wife. I can't lie to her.
Sergeant Jeffords: What about that time you spent $1,000 on a Patrick Ewing Top shot?
Jake: That wasn't a lie. I just didn't tell her. But she's gonna be happy about it, because that Top Shot is currently worth... Oh, no. I will keep your secret for $992.
Captain Holt: Deal.
Jake: Great, let's lie to my wife.