Jake: Oh my God, I'm so glad Captain Holt finally agreed to let you come visit.
Amy: I missed you so much.
Jake: Me too.
Amy: Um, is there a way we could get a bit more privacy?
Kevin: Just pretend I'm not here. God knows I am.

Captain Holt: Ah, Boyle. Just the man we were looking for. Kevin has accepted a fellowship to teach at the Sorbonne for the next six months.
Charles: Oh, I love Paris. At least how it's represented in the movie Ratatouille.
Kevin: Uh-
Captain Holt: The rodent chef.
Kevin: Ah, yes. Farfetched.

Kevin: Well, I remember that morning. He left the house at seven and was in a great mood. In fact, he was still chuckling about the previous night's Charlie Rose.

Captain Holt: You think I enjoy doing this? I assure you, I do not. I'm simply trying to keep my husband alive.
Kevin: Well, you may not have a husband when all of this is over.
Captain Holt: You're not going to die, Kevin.
Kevin: That's not what I meant.
Captain Holt: I'm leaving. This is an absurd conversation, and you're being ridiculous.

Jake: I don't think you dislike cop talk. I think you dislike cops.
Kevin: [scoff] I'm married to one.
Jake: I know. And I can't imagine it's been fun watching the man you love marginalized, under appreciated, and disrespected by the NYPD.
Kevin: Because he's gay, Raymond has been put through hell by his colleagues. Many of whom, quite frankly, look exactly like you.
Jake: Devastatingly handsome? I'm sorry. I'm uncomfortable with emotions.
Kevin: So, yes, I decided a long time ago, that just because I love Raymond, doesn't mean I have to love the people he works with. Good solve, detective.
Jake: Nice cop lingo.

Captain Holt: Oh, Mr. Cheddar, how I've missed you.
Kevin: We both have. I'm putting that GPS tag on your collar immediately. Oh, damn it, it's not here. I'm wearing Peralta's pants. Ugh, and now my hands are sticky.
Captain Holt: Wait, Peralta's wearing your pants which means...
Kevin: He doesn't have sticky hands.
Captain Holt: Yes, but also he has the GPS tracker.
Kevin: [gasps]

Captain Holt: Kevin, I'm sorry. I will never forgive myself for working today. I want you to know that this will be my last assignment for the NYPD. I'm retiring.
Kevin: Well, that seems like an extreme reaction.
Captain Holt: No, I want this... for us.
Kevin: That's not for us. I never wanted you to give up your career. Putting our relationship first doesn't mean you can't have anything else in your life. It just means prioritizing me over stupid little stuff.
Jake: Like returning lost mittens to dumb kids.
Kevin: No, that actually sounds quite rewarding.
Jake: Really?
Kevin: This reform program is not a little thing. It could fundamentally change the police. I just wish you had told me so I could've helped from the start.
Captain Holt: I'm so sorry.
Kevin: Apology accepted.

Captain Holt: [door bangs shut, footsteps] What's that?
Jake: That's O'Sullivan. He's coming home.
Kevin: [o.s.] NYPD. Step away from the door.
Captain Holt: Wait, that voice.
Kevin: [enters] Neighbors reported seeing two men enter from an unmarked van, then heard yelling.
Jake: Uh... There's been a misunderstanding, Officer.
Kevin: You are under arrest, punk.
Carol: You jags are so screwed.
Jake: [whispering] I love your hat.

Kevin: Have you seen Cheddar? The officiant is wondering how he'd like to be introduced.

Kevin: [Cheddar barks] That's odd. He only barks like that when he's worried about Raymond.
Rosa: Oh, Cheddar's not worried about Holt. I saw him eat a shrimp off the platter earlier. I bet he just wants more.
Kevin: Hmm, Cheddar doesn't usually indulge in shrimp. He considers it bougie. Speaking of indulging, the gray boutonniere should've arrived by now, hmm.

Rosa: Look alive. Kevin's on your six.
Kevin: Do you know where Raymond is?
Scully: Yes, I do. He's, um... Come on, Scully. Think of something.
Kevin: "Think of something". What does that mean?
Rosa: [knocks over a vase] Cheddar did it.
Kevin: Cheddar, I know you wanted us to go with the other vase. I have a different aesthetic sense than you, and it's my day. Sorry you had to witness that. I will get a broom.

Kevin: Ah, hello. Thank you for coming early to help out. There's a lot to do since we decided to go so over the top. I mean, look at the napkins. We're going with a pretty whimsical fold... lengthwise.
Sergeant Jeffords: That is... funny.
Kevin: The intent was whimsy, not humor. Now you have me doubting everything.

Kevin: We're pretty far north for a corn crake. Where did you hear of this sighting?
Jake: Oh, on the birdwatching app that Captain Holt recommended I download. You know how he is about birding. I guess you guys have that in common, huh?
Kevin: Hardly... Raymond is an adequate birdwatcher at best. He once confused a pileated woodpecker with a downy woodpecker.
Jake: Yeah. Pileated bootdecker and a pileated jecker.

Jake: Yeah, next thing, you're going to say you'd wished we had watched "Leaving Las Vegas", a dark, ponderous reflection on alcoholism that earned Cage his Oscar.
Kevin: Aargh! *walks away*
Jake: What? I told you, the guy's got range!

Jake: Still waiting for instructions, over.
Captain Holt: Wait, we don't have eyes on you. Kevin, do you see Jake?
Kevin: Yes, he's right there. Oh, no, that's a different gentlemen wearing a handsome jacket. Everyone is so well dressed.