Sergeant Jeffords: Scully.
Scully: Heya, sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know you gotten a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.
Scully: Oh no.
Sergeant Jeffords: Where is it?
Scully: Oh, I don't.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is it in your pockets?
Scully: No, come on.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm gonna shake it out of your pockets.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, being a working parent is hard. When my twins were born, I made Sharon keep the phone on all day just so I could listen to them. One month, I used 25,000 minutes. I'm sorry, I just realized I told you it sucks and there's no solution.
Gina: That's okay. It's kind of nice to hear this kind of thing from another parent, so thank you.

Rosa: Don't look at me. Terry wastes all that time building muscles, make him do it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, come on, you all know these are just for show.

Amy: I don't know what I was thinking. We've been at it for two hours and all we've got is three words.
Sergeant Jeffords: Really two. Terry's just fooling himself. "Apache's" a long shot at best.

Sergeant Jeffords: No more loans. You already owe me way too much. The Bank of Terry is closed.
Jake: What, are you sailing away on a tugboat?
Charles: Man, I love tugboats.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a tugboat. I am locking the vault!

Sergeant Jeffords: How can I ever thank you?
Charles: Start taking care of yourself again. I miss those gross, overly large muscles.
Sergeant Jeffords: Lay off my body, dude. I clearly got some stuff to work through.

Amy: Sorry? You bumbling son of a bitch. You just ruined my life. I hope you get hit by a truck and a dog takes a dump on your face.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nothing to see here. Just a little hypoglycaemic rage. Move along.

Captain Holt: What's going on? Why do you all have matching bags?
Sergeant Jeffords: We're doing a diet together. My wife found it. She heard about it at Mommy and Me graphic design. Wait, it might have been toddler karate.

Sergeant Jeffords: Gina! We've been looking all over for you. You can't just disappear and leave a sign on your desk that says "Gone leavin".

Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for babysitting last night. The girls told me what you talked about, and it couldn't have been easy.
Amy: I'm sorry I told them orgasms was another word for oranges. I panicked.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, it did make it awkward when they asked for orgasm juice this morning, but I was more talking about the other stuff.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, you missed the tech expo. We got all this swag.
Six tote bags. Terry can tote anything. Look, point at something, I'll tote it.

Charles: Ugh, what are we watching?
Sergeant Jeffords: They've been fighting like little kids all morning, and I can't get 'em to stop. I tried everything, ordering them to stop and- Well, that's really all I tried. But I'm their superior officer. That should've worked.

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy Santiago. She's got seven brothers, so she's always trying to prove she's tough. She and Peralta have some big bet over who gets more arrests this year. Ever since the bet, their numbers have gone way up.

Sergeant Jeffords: [impersonating Holt eating a marshmallow] What is this glutinous monstrosity before me?

Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a baby, Jake. It's Cagney's blankie. She calls it that because it has a little cow head. She said she had it in the minivan. Where is it now?
Jake: Ugh-
[flashback to Cagney and Lacey playing with the windows in the minivan
All: Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
[present:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Never let 'em play with the windows. That's Parenting 101.
And Santiago, I can't believe you didn't stop it.
Amy: I'm sorry, sir. I knew it was wrong, and I did nothing, which is ultimately worse.
Sergeant Jeffords: Cagney can't sleep without Moo Moo. And if Cagney doesn't sleep, then Lacey doesn't sleep. And if Cagney and Lacey don't sleep-
Jake: Terry doesn't sleep.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Jake doesn't live.
Jake: Oh my God.