Sergeant Jeffords: This is nasty. Terry hates bugs. Too many eyes and legs.
Captain Holt: Would you still hate bugs if I told you that there were thousands of tiny mites that live in your eyebrows and keep them from being weighed down by oils?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes!

Sergeant Jeffords: There is no way Parlov sent himself that death threat. Look, we are gonna go to his hotel, we're gonna talk to him, and he'll have an explanation.
Jake: Whatever you need.
Sergeant Jeffords: Screw you, Peralta! I'm sorry, I thought you were gonna disagree. Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me.

Rosa: [laughs] He is terrible.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, it's almost like casting a robotic old nerd was a huge mistake.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Doug, I'm sorry for not trusting you. Turns out you had nothing to do with this.
Jake: Oh, so you admit people can change.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. Bruce Banner's pants and shirt were correct.

Jake: Hey, good news. I found the address of Parlov's old assistant. I'm gonna go over there and question him. You want to come? Maybe he won't open the door and you'll have to kick it down. That always cheers you up.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't feel like kicking down doors.
Jake: What about running really fast through a wall, leaving a perfect outline of your body?
Sergeant Jeffords: Like a cartoon?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. I'm just gonna sit here and think about how the words I lived by my entire life are a big fat lie.

Rosa: You hungry, hungry hippos ate my ice cream! Why was this in the trash?
Sergeant Jeffords: And who throws away a spoon? It's the easiest utensil to clean!

Charles: Ugh, what are we watching?
Sergeant Jeffords: They've been fighting like little kids all morning, and I can't get 'em to stop. I tried everything, ordering them to stop and- Well, that's really all I tried. But I'm their superior officer. That should've worked.

Sergeant Jeffords: Here are the account numbers for the bank where the money showed up. Now, we're in a real hurry. You think you can trace it back to its source?
Pandemic: Are you questioning my abilities? Watch this. What's your name?
Sergeant Jeffords: Why do you need-
Charles: Terrence Vincent Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait. What's happening?
Pandemic: You're getting hacked, bro. That's what's happening.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't do that.
Pandemic: I'm in your home computer.
Sergeant Jeffords: You are? Get out.
Pandemic: You got a lot of songs by Natalie Imbruglia.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, I bought those back in the '90s.
Pandemic: Nope. Downloaded on Thursday.

Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a baby, Jake. It's Cagney's blankie. She calls it that because it has a little cow head. She said she had it in the minivan. Where is it now?
Jake: Ugh-
[flashback to Cagney and Lacey playing with the windows in the minivan
All: Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
[present:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Never let 'em play with the windows. That's Parenting 101.
And Santiago, I can't believe you didn't stop it.
Amy: I'm sorry, sir. I knew it was wrong, and I did nothing, which is ultimately worse.
Sergeant Jeffords: Cagney can't sleep without Moo Moo. And if Cagney doesn't sleep, then Lacey doesn't sleep. And if Cagney and Lacey don't sleep-
Jake: Terry doesn't sleep.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Jake doesn't live.
Jake: Oh my God.

Pandemic: Okay, now watch the Pandemic spread. There's a document in here that looks to be fan fiction for the show "Madam Secretary."
Charles: Oh, Sarge, I didn't know you were a fan of the Madam.
Sergeant Jeffords: The show leaves Terry wanting more. I'm just filling in the gaps.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hello, Captain Raymond Holt, it is I, Sergeant Terrance Jeffords, your friend, but more importantly, your employee.
Captain Holt: I've never heard you speak like this, Sergeant. I like it. Each sentence so rife with information. Go on, please.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you.

Sergeant Jeffords: I think they've been skimming people's desserts for weeks but I can never prove it.
Did you see them take your ice cream?
Rosa: No, but Hitchcock has fudge stains all over his chest.
Sergeant Jeffords: He's always got fudge stains all over his chest.

Charles: I'm getting worried. We're running out of time.
Nightmare: It's fine. This place is open 24-5. Only closed on weekends.
Sergeant Jeffords: Such a strange theme for a restaurant.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Diaz, HQ isn't giving us any new cases because we might shut down. You have anything?
Rosa: No, sorry, I got nothing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, man! I am one arrest away from the all-time precinct record. Two more solves woulda put me over the top.
Rosa: So? Nothing wrong with second place.
Sergeant Jeffords: Name one silver medalist.
Rosa: Michelle Kwan.
Sergeant Jeffords: She fell, Rosa. She fell so much!

Rosa: It's beautiful. Are we better at this than our regular jobs?
Sergeant Jeffords: Unquestionably. We should start our own home renovation show.
Charles: I can see the poster. I'm on Terry's shoulders screwing in a light bulb, and Rosa stands by a ladder looking up at us like, "Oh, boy, what did I get myself into?"
Rosa: I love that idea.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sign me up.