Captain Holt: Huh. It's the exact time we agreed to meet for our date, and he's not here.
Amy: I'm sorry. I know how you value punctuality.
Captain Holt: In my employees. But in potential suitors, I don't mind one or two minutes of tardiness. I like a bad boy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom to wash my hands, in case we shake.
Amy: Ooh.

Amy: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: I'm helping Holt pick a dating site.
Captain Holt: Oh, this looks good. PhDs only.
Rosa: Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge [bleep].
Captain Holt: Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium [bleep].

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?

Kevin: Raymond, am I too late?
Captain Holt: Too late?
Kevin: My friend saw your dating profile and your photo without collar stays. I thought I'd lost you.
Captain Holt: You will never lose me. I'll do anything to keep you. I'll compromise on everything. The work, the... [Kevin kisses Holt]
Rosa: Nancy Meyers never fails.
Amy: Now that we're doing it, it feels kinda weird to be staring at your friends while they kiss.
Scully: Are you kidding? It's beautiful.
Captain Holt: I love you.
Kevin: I love you.

Rosa: We wanted to apologize.
Amy: And if you wanna gloat about how you outsmarted us, go ahead. We deserve it.
Captain Holt: I won't be doing any gloating. I mean, I did last night. I went home and had a drink to toast to your humiliation. But it didn't feel right, because I had no one to toast with, no one to share my glee. I had won, but I was alone. And I realized, this is exactly what I'm doing to Kevin. Trying to win therapy. And it hit me. I care so much about winning that I've lost everything.
Rosa: Tell Kevin how you feel.
Amy: It's raining. You could run to him.
Captain Holt: This is the real world, Santiago. Relationships end in unsatisfying ways every day. People don't run to each other in the rain.
Kevin: [o.s.] Raymond! Raymond Holt!
Captain Holt: Kevin?
Kevin: Raymond!

Captain Holt: Looking for someone?
Amy: Sir. Uh, what's going on?
Captain Holt: What's going on is that you were trying to manipulate me, but it is I who manipulated you. How does it feel to suckle from your own tainted teat?
Rosa: Not as bad as it feels to hear you say "suckle."
Amy: So you were never really going home with Todd?
Captain Holt: You actually think I would have relations with him? His watch has a cloth strap.
Todd: I really thought we had something.
Captain Holt: Wake up, Todd. I'm out of your league. You thought you could meddle in my personal life, but I was ten moves ahead the whole time. And now, checkmate.
Todd: Ooh. I love chess. Have you seen The Queen's Gambit? It's a TV show.
Captain Holt: Todd, I swear to God.

Rosa: Okay, sir. This app's pretty simple. If you don't like the guy's profile, you click "dang," and if you do, you click "daaang."
Captain Holt: That sounds needlessly confusing.
Rosa: Why? "dang" is bad and "daaang" is good.
Captain Holt: Okay, let's thin this herd. Untucked shirt, no thank you. Born in San Diego, yikes. An adult named Todd? So this is what online dating is like? I didn't realize.
Amy: Realize how good you have it with Kevin?
Captain Holt: No, how it hasn't changed. You still have to pick someone based on looks and hope for a connection later. Oh, Lord, help me. I'm going for it. I'm clicking "dang."
Rosa: No. "Dang" is bad. Click "daaang."
Captain Holt: Why is this so confusing? How do I get Hot Todd back?

Rosa: Sir, if you wanna get a date off of these sites, you're gonna have to give me a little more from your profile photo.
Captain Holt: I just gave you a series of eight poses, each increasing in sexual provocativeness by one-eighth. If you wanted septiles or deciles of sexiness, you should've told me. [Amy groans] What? Why do you care so much, Santiago? I thought you didn't like the idea of me dating.
Amy: Yes, initially. But then I thought about your metaphor about how relationships are like a chess match.
Captain Holt: Mm-hmm.
Amy: And it really convinced me.
Captain Holt: That was a strong observation.
Amy: So why don't you think of this profile photo as an epic chess move?
Captain Holt: Like Vladimirov's Thunderbolt of 1987. Close the door, Diaz. I'm removing my collar stays.

Charles: Did you see those tears? No way he did it.
Jake: Are you serious? Anyone can fake cry. You just have to think of something sad. Like that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when Leonardo was in a coma.
Charles: And that works?
Jake: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Charles: Here it is. Pappy Boyle's farm. I spent every summer here as a kid.
Jake: Got to say, it's nicer than I was expecting.
Charles: Pappy did well for himself. He went to business school in New York. He got a job in Wall Street. And one day his hand got caught in a subway door. And he was dragged from Times Square into Queens. Largest settlement in city history.

Rosa: Yo. You forgot your lunch.
Captain Holt: Oh. Thank you, Diaz.
Amy: Sir, I didn't realize you were still staying at Rosa's. I thought couple's counseling was going well.
Captain Holt: Not anymore. At Kevin's request, I offered to reduce my work hours by 26%. Kevin countered with 50. Which I countered with 30. Then Kevin says 40...
Amy: Seems like a lot of math for therapy.
Captain Holt: That's what Dr. Cheryl said... which is why we fired her, and now we're working with Dr. Ramanujan. He's a physicist with a nice, concrete worldview. Anyway, Kevin refuses to budge from 36%. And I'm starting to worry that I might lose to him.
Amy: You mean lose him.
Captain Holt: No. Lose to him. Therapy is a chess match. And... I will prevail.

Amy: What the hell are you doing? Why are you trying to get Holt and Kevin to break up?
Rosa: I'm trying to get Holt and Kevin back together. He and Kevin are perfect for each other. He just needs to realize that. Once he sees what other trash is out there, he's gonna go running straight back into Kevin's arms, just like in a Nancy Meyers movie.
Amy: So you still love Nancy Meyers?
Rosa: I will never turn my back on Nancy Meyers.
Amy: Okay. I'm in. Let operation "Lucky Number Kevin" begin.
Rosa: I'm out.
Amy: No, no, no. We don't have to call it that.

Charles: Ah! I did it!
Becca Boyle: He's The One True Boyle. [cheers and laughter]
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God. What is that stench?
Charles: It's the Grandmother Dough.
Sergeant Jeffords: It smells horrible.
Charles: Not to a Boyle. [sniffs deeply]

Charles: I'm not gonna be able to do this, and I'm gonna be even more humiliated.
Jake: Just try. I believe in you. [to Sgt. Jeffords] So did you loosen it?
Sergeant Jeffords: I tried, but it's slippery, and that thing is sealed on tight. I couldn't budge it.
Jake: Oh, no. Uh, hey, Charles. Remember when I said that I believed in you?
Charles: Yes. It's the entire reason I'm doing this.
Jake: Oh. Godspeed.

Jake: Oh, Charles. I'm so sorry about your great-uncle Pappy. You holding up okay?
Charles: I've been managing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Mm... Have you though?
[flashback:]
Charles: Number two, step up. Say, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you."
Perp Number Two: Okay. Uh, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you."
Charles: [wails] Then why did you leave me?

Jake: Got to say, Terry, I'm a little surprised you're coming to this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Honestly, I need a break from the kids. Cagney and Lacey keep trying to trick me into falling down the stairs on TikTok. Terry can't sprain another ankle.

Jake: Today, we learned that Pappy Boyle's death was not foul play. But even though there was no murder, there was a robbery. Charles had his sense of self stolen from him by Sam Boyle. [all gasp] You said it yourself, Charles, the Boyles have a long history of cousin-on-cousin jealousy. Sam couldn't stand that you were chosen to give the eulogy. Think about it. It was Sam who made sure we knew the will was missing.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: We can't find Pappy's will.
Jake: [v.o.] Then Sam again who suggested you all get your DNA tested.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: Why not take a hair from every Boyle?
Jake: [v.o.] And finally, Sam who made sure we all knew the results.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: Did you get the DNA report back?
[present:]
Sam Boyle: This is ridiculous. I love Charles.
Jake: Okay, well then. I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving him a hug then. Since you love him so much.
Sam Boyle: Sure. I always like to hug my cousin.
Tommy Boyle: He's gushing! [all gasp]
Sam Boyle: Darn it. I thought these would hide it, but I gushed through my pit diapers. All right, fine. I always suspected that Charles wasn't one of us. I mean, he went through puberty at 13, instead of 25, like a normal Boyle. And when he got chosen to give the eulogy, something inside of me snapped. So I hid the will. I admit it. Are you happy now?
Jake: Very.
Charles: Not at all.
Jake: Wait, what? Charles, we solved the case. He confessed.
Charles: Doesn't matter. I'm still not a Boyle. I'm just a normal person. Normal from snout to anus.

Charles: [on the phone] Okay. I love you too, Dad. [hangs up] Did you guys change clothes?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, Charles. It's tomorrow now. You been on the phone for 14 hours.
Charles: Well, you know what they say, "Time flies when God pulls down his pants and takes a dump on your life."
Jake: Oh, buddy. I'm so sorry.
Charles: Being a Boyle was the backbone of my identity. Without the Boyle backbone, I'm just a bag of flesh. I'm goo.
Jake: Come on, you're not goo. Being a Boyle is about more than blood. It's what's in your heart.
Charles: Blood is what's in your heart. You're making it worse, Jake.
Jake: Okay, fine. Then what about Nikolaj? He was adopted, so technically, he's not a Boyle, but that never bothered you.
Charles: I didn't even think about Niko. He was already a Boyle once removed which is tough enough. Now he's twice removed? Twice-removed Boyles are a total [bleep] clown show, okay? Niko's basically Cousin Andrea. Sorry, Andrea.
Andrea Boyle: I know what I am.
Jake: Well, damn.

Jake: Well, I, for one, am pumped to be going.
Sergeant Jeffords: To a funeral?
Jake: I'm so bored, Terry. I've been suspended for days. Mac gets dropped off at day care, and I just sit at home playing "Animal Crossing." But no one will buy my bugs or fossils. I'm desperate for some normal human interaction.
Charles: Coffin delivery!
Jake: Okay, fine. It doesn't have to be normal or human. Any interaction will work.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry. I was following Lyndon and I crawled into that thing.
Charles: That thing has a name. It's Muffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, thanks to Muffin, we lost Lyndon.
Jake: Yes. [over walkie-talkie] But also thanks to Muffin, I just solved the case of who killed Pappy Boyle. [radio feedback]
Sergeant Jeffords: We're right here.
Jake: Yeah. I didn't think it would feed back.

Charles: [over walkie-talkies] Seriously, guys, why are we doing this? We should just wait for the DNA test.
Jake: We will. But the lab said it would take a week. They had to get a new tech.
Charles: Oh, no. Why?
Jake: Uh... the old one had a bad allergic reaction to... beakers.
Charles: Ugh. Labs are full of them. That's awful.
Jake: Yeah, and real. Anyways, since Lyndon is our only actual suspect, we might as well investigate.
Charles: Let me ask you this. Is he gushing?
Jake: Don't say those words.
Charles: The pressure of keeping secrets makes Boyles stress-sweat. Once, we played Mafia, and you'd never seen so many dripping wet cousins in one room.
Jake: Come on.

Amy: I thought the point was for Holt to bail before he got to an actual date.
Rosa: It is. But this works too. I mean, did you see the dude he matched with? He calls himself a doctor, but he's actually a chiropractor.
Amy: Are we sure Holt doesn't respect chiropractors? [both laugh] I'm kidding. Ooh. There's Todd.
Rosa: And here's Holt. Started off strong, nice big smile. Oh, not anymore. He just noticed Todd's loafers.
Amy: Oh, Todd, you fool. Holt thinks any shoes without laces are flip-flops.
Rosa: Now the moment that will send Holt running toward the exit. When he asks Todd what he would like to drink, Todd orders, "Whatever you're having."
Amy: Oh Todd, you fool. Have your own opinion. Wait a second. Are they gonna sit down? In a booth? Oh, no, Rosa. Todd's not the fool. We're the fools.

Sergeant Jeffords: That DNA test has to be wrong. I mean, Charles is the most Boyle-y of all the Boyles.
Jake: You know what? I'm gonna call Charles's dad, get to the bottom of this. [on the phone] Hey, Lynn? It's Jake. Hi. Hey, can I ask you about Charles's paternity real quick?
[six hours later:]
Jake: All right. Thanks, Lynn. Bye. [hangs up]
Sergeant Jeffords: What on Earth took so long?
Jake: Well, the first five hours was mostly just sobbing and gasping for air. Then he told me that Charles's mom had an affair with a rival florist. Lynn always suspected he might've been Charles's dad, but he decided he loved him so much, it didn't matter.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't understand. Charles looks just like all the other Boyles.
Jake: Apparently that's not genetic. The Boyles cuddle their children so much, it shapes their bones that way. He likened it to how they grow square watermelons.

Charles: Okay, then I'll think I'll finish up by saying Pappy Boyle was the best hugger. Which is surprising because he lost his hand in the subway. But he always said, "You don't hug with your hands, you hug with your heart. And your groin." He got that groin involved.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, a lot of groin talk for a eulogy.

Jake: Everyone, there's something you need to see in the barn. The game... is afoot.
[later:]
Jake: Pappy Boyle was 93. Who would've suspected that his death stemmed from anything other than the cruel embrace of Father Time? To suggest as much might get someone labeled a crackpot, a kook, someone that's "bored with their suspension." Can you cut the Harriet The Spy windup? It stinks in here.
Jake: What you're smelling, Terry, is duplicity and deceit.
Sam Boyle: I think it's actually Pappy's organs.
Jake: Sam, you're kind of messing with my flow right now. Point is, I was examining the body, and I found something. Classic ulceration and desquamation of the mouth. Telltale signs of poisoning. [gasps] In other words... [Southern accent] What we have ourselves here is a good ol' fashioned murder... [all crying] Of a man who you all loved dearly. I shouldn't have done the Knives Out accent.

Jake: All right. A man has been poisoned, his will is missing, and there's only one person who stands to profit. Lyndon Boyle.
Charles: Lyndon's not a killer.
Sam Boyle: I mean, he did skip a Boyle family Zoom last summer.
Charles: Yeah, it's true. It's seven hours out of your day. How hard is that to fit in?
Jake: Okay, let's set up an interrogation room. I wanna make this guy as uncomfortable as possible.
[later:]
Jake: [chair creaking] I thought we were going for uncomfortable. What's with the rocking chair?
Charles: It's a farm. All the chairs are rockers. But don't worry, I under-steeped the tea.
Lyndon Boyle: Ugh. It's so weak. Why am I being treated like a criminal?
Jake: Okay. I stand corrected.

Sergeant Jeffords: Ew. Pappy should've used that cash on pest control. There's giant rats everywhere.
Charles: Those are nutria, Terry. They're nothing like rats. They have meatier haunches, and their teeth are more orange. You know, nutria are actually great pets. They're affectionate and smart. They know how to open doors. Plus, you can milk them.
Jake: But... should you?
Charles: Pappy drank nutria milk, and he was fit as a fiddle. Anyway, you got to see the house. I can't wait to show you the rug I was born on.
Jake: Sure it's been cleaned since then.

Tommy Boyle: It was such a great party. Everyone had the best time. I mean, except for Lyndon.
Jake: Lyndon wasn't happy?
Tommy Boyle: Yeah, it was strange. He was passing through the living room. I asked him if he wanted a little HJ. But he just ignored me. I mean, who doesn't want an HJ from their cousin?
Sergeant Jeffords: Hold up. An HJ?
Lyndon Boyle: A head job. A massage. Isn't that what everyone calls it?
Charles: You bet.
Sergeant Jeffords: Absolutely not.

Amy: [to Holt] Or it's about saving your marriage. You should make a grand romantic gesture.
Rosa: Ugh, so dumb.
Amy: Seriously? From the woman who loves Nancy Meyers movies?
Rosa: Yeah. Here's what I've learned as a PI. People suck, everyone cheats, and love is an illusion. Nancy Meyers is a fool, and Holt should start dating.
Both: What?
Rosa: You heard me. It's the only way you're gonna beat Kevin.
Captain Holt: I'm thinking about it. I'm considering it, and I've decided. I'm in. [Amy gasps]

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God. We can't tell Charles.
Jake: You wanna lie to our dear friend about the one thing that's most important to him in the whole world?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes.
Jake: Okay, good, me too. Now all we have to do is prove that Cousin Lyndon is the murderer before Charles asks about the DNA results.
Charles: Hi, guys.
Jake: Ah. Hey, man. Where'd you come from?
Charles: I slinked up. You know how good Boyles are at slinking. It's because of our fleshy toe pads.
Jake: Right. And you, Charles, have said fleshy toe pads because you are a Boyle, from snout to anus.
Charles: "A Boyle from snout to anus." That is so sweet. I'm stealing that for the eulogy.
Jake: Ah, you don't have to.

Lyndon Boyle: Why am I back here? Like I told you, it was a typical night.
Jake: Right. Cousin kissing circle, everyone gets burped after dinner... Normal stuff. But let's talk about what happened after the burping, shall we?
Lyndon Boyle: What are you getting at? What exactly do you think happened that night?
Jake: I'm so glad you asked. I think Pappy called you into his study and told you he was cutting you out of his will. Tempers flared. Voices were raised.
Lyndon Boyle: What?
Jake: You were furious you wouldn't be inheriting the farm.
Lyndon Boyle: I don't even want the farm. I've always been more of a city boy. I live in Poughkeepsie.
Jake: Well, I guess that settles it. [chuckles] Except you didn't say I love you.
Lyndon Boyle: Excuse me?
Jake: When you left, you said "good night." You didn't say "I love you." Now, you may be a black sheep, but you're still a Boyle.
And a Boyle always says "I love you."
Lyndon Boyle: Not always.
Jake: Look around you. It's written everywhere.
Lyndon Boyle: Okay, fine. We were fighting. But not over the will. Pappy was mad at me for missing that Zoom call this summer.
Charles: I mean honestly, Lyndon, what did you expect would happen?
Lyndon Boyle: He said I was a disgrace to the Boyle name. So I didn't say "I love you." I just stormed out to the shed. I went to get the Grandmother Dough.
Jake: The Grandmother Dough?

Jake: The person who killed Pappy wasn't a person at all. It was Muffin. [all gasp] I checked her mouth, and Muffin had the same ulcers that Pappy had.
Muffin ate the poison, and then Pappy drank her milk.
Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, you said nutria could open doors. Muffin must've let herself into the barn.
Jake: Which explains why we found her hair on the box.
Charles: So Lyndon was innocent.
Sam Boyle: Wait, how did you know it was Muffin's hair? Did you get the DNA report back?
Jake: Exactly.
Charles: Wait, but I thought the report was gonna take a week because of the lab tech's allergies.
Jake: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. But then they decided to use a subcontractor who was allergy-free, so let's just move on and talk about something else immediately.
Charles: Three "uh-huh's"? Clearly you're lying about something.
Jake: Why you being a jerk to me?
Charles: Show me the report, Jake.
Jake: Okay, fine. But just look at the top result 'cause that's all that matters. "Specimen hair was rodent in nature." And that's that.
Charles: Oh, my God. I'm not a Boyle. [all gasp]

Amy: Oh, no, Rosa. They're leaving together. What are we gonna do?
Rosa: We stop them. Even if it means we have to kill Todd.
Amy: Smart. Let's go.

Charles: Look, let's go home.
Sergeant Jeffords: We're leaving? What about the funeral? What about the eulogy?
Charles: I don't feel right giving it now. Sam offered to step in. I'll have him do it.
Jake: No, no, no. Wait. Assemble the cousins.

Charles: Here it is. The original Boyle family sourdough starter, the mother of the mother dough. It's still good, but the lid on the jar has been stuck for over a hundred years.
Sam Boyle: There's an old family legend that it can only be opened by The One True Boyle.
Lyndon Boyle: I wanted to show my dad that I was not a disgrace to the family. But I couldn't budge it. Maybe he was right.
Jake: Oh, Lyndon. What a tale. But I don't think that's why you came in this barn at all. I think you came in here for this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is that nutria poison?
Charles: It's rat poison. Nutria are pets. You psychopath.
Jake: Ah. Nitrobenzene. That causes the exact type of ulcers we found in Pappy Boyle's mouth. And look what we have here. A single brown hair, belonging to the murderer. Terry, please send this off to the local police station for a DNA test. Now all we need is one of your hairs, Lyndon.
Lyndon Boyle: I didn't kill my father. Why am I being singled out?
Sam Boyle: Why not take a hair from every Boyle so Cousin Lyndon doesn't feel that way?
Charles: Sure, great idea. I'll go first.
Jake: I mean it's more work for the lab, but it's fine with me. Are you okay with that, Lyndon? [Lyndon plucks a hair] Oh, wow. Went with a nose hair. Didn't see that coming. But it's definitely long enough.
Sergeant Jeffords: [chuckles] No.

Sergeant Jeffords: DNA results are in.
Jake: Ooh, and? Who did it? It was Lyndon, right?
Sergeant Jeffords: Hair is... "rodent in origin."
Captain Holt: What? Doesn't make any sense. Here, forward it to me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Must've been a nutria hair. Those things are everywhere.
Jake: Ugh. Wait a minute. This is weird. According to the DNA results, everyone in the Boyle family is related except one.
Sergeant Jeffords: Lyndon?
Jake: No. Charles. Charles Boyle isn't a Boyle.

Charles: Okay, I'm packed. Let's go home.
Jake: Charles, I'm sorry. I feel like this was all my fault.
Charles: Why? Did you inseminate my mother?
Jake: What? Ew, no.
Charles: Don't say ew. She's my one blood relation. Remember, I'm not a real Boyle.
Jake: Okay, fine. Maybe you're not a real Boyle. But what if you're a true Boyle? What if you're The One True Boyle?
Charles: No, no. You want me to open the Grandmother Dough. That jar is stuck shut. Nobody's ever been able to do it.
Jake: But you have to try. Terry, go grab it. All right, now let's reassemble those cousins.

Jake: Wait, so we have a wealthy patriarch who mysteriously died, a missing will, and a black sheep set to inherit everything? Am I the only one who suspects foul play here?
Sergeant Jeffords: He didn't die mysteriously. He was 93.
Jake: He was fit as fiddle, Terr. From all the nutria milk.
Charles: Don't be ridiculous. No Boyle would ever commit murder. Boyles don't even get mad at each other. Except in that rare instance of cousin-on-cousin jealousy.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're just bored from your suspension and desperate to find a case to work.
Jake: No. That's not it. I'm just telling you, something doesn't smell right here.
Sam Boyle: Oh, yeah. That's Pappy's body. Cousin Mel did the embalming in here, and I think she forgot to add something.
Jake: Well... that's a disturbing revelation.

Charles: Pappy's hugs were long and firm.
Jake: Okay, here's what I think might've happened. You loosened the jar, but you didn't realize it because you're a Godzilla man, and you don't know your own strength.
Sergeant Jeffords: First of all, thank you for calling me a Godzilla man.
Jake: Yeah.
Sergeant Jeffords: Secondly, that's not it. The jar was too slippery.
Jake: All right, how about this? Charles was so freaked out about not being a Boyle that he got an adrenaline rush, and that made him stronger.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or maybe Charles is the One True Boyle.
Charles: And I know that Pappy's up there shopping for beige slacks at that Mervyn's in the sky.
All: Ah, Mervyn's!
Jake: Yeah, he's the One True Boyle.