Sergeant Jeffords: I may have a solution. We need to compstat the office. What is compstat? It's just using data to identify problem spots in the neighborhood. Now, I have been taking notes on points of friction in this office for years. The red areas are places where no work gets done. If we can fix these problems without anyone knowing what we're doing, we will finish on time.
Captain Holt: Are you saying you want to secretly perform scientific experiments on your friends and coworkers to increase efficiency?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes.
Captain Holt: Sounds fun, let's do it.

Jake: NYPD.
Mlepnos: Yes? Mlepnos.
Jake: Oh, boy.
Amy: NYPD, sir. Have you seen anything unusual today?
Mlepnos: Oh, no. This was nice, thank you.

Jake: The thief's name is Benjamin Disanto. Here's an old mug shot. He's surprisingly photogenic. A lot of criminals are, strangely.

Captain Holt: Tell me about the Boyle-linetti reaction.
Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle gets cold a lot because of what he calls his-
[cut to:]
Charles: Medically diagnosed thin skin.
[back:]
Sergeant Jeffords: So he goes to the lost and found, and he grabs something that's usually unflattering. That's when Gina gets involved.

Jake: Good afternoon, sir, I'm Detective Peralta. This is Detective always-stays-loyal. She's named after her father Alvin stays-loyal.

Adam Sandler: This is terrible you don't know what you're doing.
Jake: Adam Sandler?
Adam Sandler: Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian revolution.
Jake: Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it?
Adam Sandler: Ha, ha. It's a serious movie. Trotsky.
Jake: Ah, there it is.
Adam Sandler: But he's got a wife who never wears a bra. I think you're gonna like it.
Jake: Thanks for dressing up, by the way.

Adam Sandler: New item up there. How much you guys wanna pay for me to stick my socks in this moron's mouth?
Joe Theismann: I will.
Jake: Did football legend Joe Theismann just bid $1,000 to put a sock in my mouth?
Joe Theismann: You bet.

Joe Theismann: My leg! My leg! You broke my other leg.
Jake: Uh.
Joe Theismann: Oh, this was supposed to be a safe event.
Jake: Nothing to see here. Except for the bone, sticking out of the leg.
Adam Sandler: Joe, I video'd it!

Jake: What a day, huh? Met Adam Sandler, broke Joe Theismann's leg, and solved an awesome case together.
Amy: Yeah, good day.
Jake: Hell yeah, it is. Drinks are on me.

Jake: You know what? You're being a bad partner. You're joining forces with the enemy. And from now on, I'm gonna call you "the cheetah." They're scavengers, just like vultures. And I kinda wish I hadn't said it, 'cause they're pretty cool. Come on, jewel thief. You're my only friend now.

Jake: Scully, what are you doing at my desk? And working? What is going on today?

Captain Holt: Updates on the case?
Jake: Well, you're gonna love this one. We busted the guy for grand larceny. And to celebrate, Santiago is taking a job interview at major crimes. Can you believe that?
Captain Holt: Yes, she told me yesterday.
Jake: What? Why didn't you try and talk her out of it? She would literally shave her head if you asked her to. Which, by the way, is a great idea for a prank, if you're looking to prank her.

Captain Holt: Santiago wants to make Captain one day. I know, because I've frequently caught her wearing my hat and looking into a mirror.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I'm begging you, please, we have to stop. Boyle is still smoldering.

Gina: And I'm not the only one who thinks that.
Charles: You melted my fringe.
Rosa: You think I have an anger problem? I don't. You are both dead to me.