Jake: We need evidence, so get him talking. Ask questions about money, cars, specifics.
Doug Judy: I'm getting kind of nervous, man. This dude is for real. You sure you got everything covered?
Jake: Yeah. There's a body on the back door, eyes on the side door, and two guys out on the corner. You're gonna be fine.
Doug Judy: What about choppers? You got choppers? With snipers and rockets?
Jake: No one has rocket choppers. Although that does sound amazing.

Jake: Doug Judy, can you hear me? Say something to test the wire.
Doug Judy: Hey, Diaz. After we put the cuffs on this guy, I'll be free for dinner. You like spaghetti? And weed?
Jake: The mic works.

Charles: Maybe it was too soon for me to come back. I would've just stayed at home, but I was getting lonely and bored. One day I looked out the window for four hours. I didn't see anything.

Doug Judy: Yeah, don't bother looking for me. I'm in the wind.
Jake: If you're close enough for me to hear you, you're close enough for me to catch you.
Doug Judy: Nah, I got a relay set up, brother.

Jake: So if you're the Pontiac bandit, who's this joker?
Doug Judy: A couple of years ago you were getting really close, so I started telling all my associates if they ever get caught, they should describe me as- [cut to:]
Associate #1: Asian dude, 5'8", spiky hair.
Associate #2: Wears diamond earrings and has a-
Associate #3: British accent.
[back:]
Jake: So then you hired a guy who matched that exact description.
Doug Judy: No, no, no, no, no, no. That's my barber Norman Lee. He gave me the idea.
Norman Lee: You know, if you can't come in, I do house calls. You just text me a location and I could be there in half an hour.
Doug Judy: Good to know.

Amy: Do I really have to wear this all night?
Jake: You know the rules. The date starts now and ends at midnight. I decide what you wear, what you eat, and where we go. Oh, and there is one more rule. No matter what happens, you're not allowed to fall in love with me.
Amy: Won't be a problem.

Sergeant Jeffords: What are you guys talking about?
Jake: Work.
Charles: International taxes and tariffs.
Work.

Charles: Come with me. Experience the future of cloud-based scheduling.

Jake: Oww! My lucky face!

Gina: Sweet sweater, Charles. You look like you're starring in an Albanian remake of The Cosby Show. Dr. Huxtable, Dr. Huxtable.

Captain Holt: Brief me on the hotel robberies.
Jake: Helpful hint to the scientists that program you. Most humans say "Hello" at the beginning of a conversation.

Gina: I'd describe the workflow today as dismal with a tiny dash of pathetic.

Captain Holt: Do you have a murder suspect to question?
Jake: He is in the interrogation room as we speak, sitting and, I assume, stewing. I put on a song that I think sums up his situation nicely.
[in the interrogation room, Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe" plays]
Jake: Because, you see-
Captain Holt: You got him, babe. I understood the wordplay, yes.

The Vulture: Yo, is this a police station or a toilet? 'Cause all I see is turds.
Charles: Oh, Detective Pembroke. Oh, no. I spilled coffee on you by accident.
The Vulture: Lucky for you, this wipes off quickly. This coat's made out of whale skin.

The Vulture: And out of the tear gas rises the Phoenix.